"Ana!" I say as I burst through my bedroom door, "Look what came in the mail today!"
"Deja vu." Ana shakes her head, blinking, "Last time it was your laptop... What is it this time?"
I wave my treasure above my head, showing it off like I have a winning lottery ticket. "Teen Vogue!"
Ana walks to the doorway where I stand and traces the lettering on the cover delicately. "The bible..." she says, smiling, "Delicious."
"I haven't read it yet," I shrug, "but there is usually some great thinspo in the photo shoots. Models are so inspirational."
"That's my girl!" Ana hugs me. "Its good that they rarely include plus-sized models, otherwise you'd be screwed."
"Hey now," I mock offense. "Fat girls don't make me want to be fat. They only make me want to be skinnier."
"Good." Ana says flipping over the magazine and letting it fall open to a page with a chubby actress on it. We both glance down, and I literally have to cover my mouth to keep from gagging at the image. I am not acting at all. I am genuinely disgusted at the picture.
"Ana..." I groan in repulsion, "How do people let themselves go like that? Its sickening!"
"I know, child." she closes the magazine. "And as to how- people try to convince fat people that they are normal, even when a doctor would tell them that they are overweight. Then, when they're size is no longer deniable, people tell them to embrace who they are, and to be happy with the way they look! Its despicable."
"That's gross." I am still mentally gagging.
"Agreed." Ana whispers at she strokes my hair soothingly. I know she knows what I am thinking. "If you just do as I say, you will never have to look like that."
"I love you, Ana." I say as I turn into her arms. "I trust you."
Her arms have never felt better wrapped around me. The way that her bony arms cradles my rib cage, I could feel the pressure every single rib. I have never felt as thin as I do in this moment. Even though I know my weight hasn't dropped significantly from my low weight, I know I look thinner, and I am wearing a smaller size for my clothing. An epiphany strikes me like a bolt of lightning.
"Ana!" I gasp, "I don't feel hungry!" She looks at me unsure of what I am saying, so I continue. "I haven't eaten in 3 or 4 days because I just forgot! Lunches I have been doing homework, so I have just grabbed coffee. Breakfasts have just been peppermint tea to take my medicine with. and I have just completely forgotten dinner!"
Her embrace tightens, and I wonder if my ribs are cutting into her arms as much as hers are into mine. "I am so proud of you." she says, "You will be skinny, yet! See, darling, never loose hope. One day, you will be as thin as me."
I look down. My thighs are massive. My calves are not fat, but they are too muscular. but I know muscle won't break down until all the fat is gone. There is too much flab on my stomach. my upper arms still have too much jiggle. my face isn't as sharp and angular as I'd like. I can't count my upper ribs like a xylophone. The only thing that has improved is my lower rib cage, my clavicle, and my lower arms. Ana is too kind- too generous. Granted, her generosity is encouraging because I know I don't deserve it. But, on the other hand, I know I don't deserve it. But Ana doesn't lie to me, so I know, that one day, I will be skinny.
