"Ana!" I say as I burst through my bedroom door, "Look what came in the mail today!"
"Deja vu." Ana shakes her head, blinking, "Last time it was your laptop... What is it this time?"
I wave my treasure above my head, showing it off like I have a winning lottery ticket. "Teen Vogue!"
Ana walks to the doorway where I stand and traces the lettering on the cover delicately. "The bible..." she says, smiling, "Delicious."
"I haven't read it yet," I shrug, "but there is usually some great thinspo in the photo shoots. Models are so inspirational."
"That's my girl!" Ana hugs me. "Its good that they rarely include plus-sized models, otherwise you'd be screwed."
"Hey now," I mock offense. "Fat girls don't make me want to be fat. They only make me want to be skinnier."
"Good." Ana says flipping over the magazine and letting it fall open to a page with a chubby actress on it. We both glance down, and I literally have to cover my mouth to keep from gagging at the image. I am not acting at all. I am genuinely disgusted at the picture.
"Ana..." I groan in repulsion, "How do people let themselves go like that? Its sickening!"
"I know, child." she closes the magazine. "And as to how- people try to convince fat people that they are normal, even when a doctor would tell them that they are overweight. Then, when they're size is no longer deniable, people tell them to embrace who they are, and to be happy with the way they look! Its despicable."
"That's gross." I am still mentally gagging.
"Agreed." Ana whispers at she strokes my hair soothingly. I know she knows what I am thinking. "If you just do as I say, you will never have to look like that."
"I love you, Ana." I say as I turn into her arms. "I trust you."
Her arms have never felt better wrapped around me. The way that her bony arms cradles my rib cage, I could feel the pressure every single rib. I have never felt as thin as I do in this moment. Even though I know my weight hasn't dropped significantly from my low weight, I know I look thinner, and I am wearing a smaller size for my clothing. An epiphany strikes me like a bolt of lightning.
"Ana!" I gasp, "I don't feel hungry!" She looks at me unsure of what I am saying, so I continue. "I haven't eaten in 3 or 4 days because I just forgot! Lunches I have been doing homework, so I have just grabbed coffee. Breakfasts have just been peppermint tea to take my medicine with. and I have just completely forgotten dinner!"
Her embrace tightens, and I wonder if my ribs are cutting into her arms as much as hers are into mine. "I am so proud of you." she says, "You will be skinny, yet! See, darling, never loose hope. One day, you will be as thin as me."
I look down. My thighs are massive. My calves are not fat, but they are too muscular. but I know muscle won't break down until all the fat is gone. There is too much flab on my stomach. my upper arms still have too much jiggle. my face isn't as sharp and angular as I'd like. I can't count my upper ribs like a xylophone. The only thing that has improved is my lower rib cage, my clavicle, and my lower arms. Ana is too kind- too generous. Granted, her generosity is encouraging because I know I don't deserve it. But, on the other hand, I know I don't deserve it. But Ana doesn't lie to me, so I know, that one day, I will be skinny.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Reality Check
"Ana!" I say as I burst through my bedroom door, "Look what came in the mail today!"
She glances up and dances over to me, her thin frame and ethereal manor striking jealousy into my heart at its very core. She inspects the package I am delicately holding as to not damage the trophy inside. Her silence encourages me to continue speaking. "Its my laptop." I offer, "Remember, it had stopped working and so I had to send it back to the manufacturer?" She nods, but still doesn't say anything. "Well, its back now, finally. I'm going to put all my thinspo back on it!"
She smiles, and radiates warmth back into my heart. "Its about time you looked at those pictures again."
I am not sure exactly what she means by the comment, but I don't think too hard about it. The excitement I am feeling overpowers the negative thoughts that begin to creep into my head. "I want to collect some new pictures too!" I tell her.
"Good!" She says as she plugs in the backup memory drive into my computer. "More is better. Maybe It'll help you focus on losing more weight than you have been."
Now I know what she meant. "Why is it that I have been getting skinnier but not losing significant amounts of weight?"
"Well," She says patiently, "Its probably a combination of two factors." It is my turn to silently anticipate what she will say next. "You have gotten taller." She looks me over quickly as a mother evaluates the changing height of her pre-teen. "That means that if you are staying about the same weight, even though you did lose a couple of pounds, but you got taller, your BMI has shifted. It means that you have less fat, because more of your weight is now going into making you bigger vertically, not horizontally."
"And the other factor?" I press for the remaining answer. "What else is making me like this?"
"You have been exercising, and generally burning more calories, but eating a little more because you're burning off more calories." She pauses for her words to sink in a little bit. "Your net calorie intake is about the same, if not a little less." When I don't respond verbally, she continues again. "Your body is converting the fat you have into muscle."
"I don't want to look muscular." I wine. "Maybe I should stop working out so much."
"I wouldn't say THAT." Ana looks at me, "You do still need to exercise so you can burn calories and lose weight. I would just eat less too. Maybe you should change your workouts to more cardio and less toning now that your surgery scars have healed a little more."
"Or maybe just add the cardio without getting rid of the toning?" I suggest hopefully.
"If you think you'll have enough time to do so." She shrugs. "As I recall, you've been spending a lot of time talking to your friends recently."
"That's not a bad thing." I defend myself, "If I were to spend ALL my time working out, people would get worried and notice that I don't eat much either."
"That's true." She relents. "But maybe you should take 10 minutes out of talking to your friends to do workout videos?"
"Or, I could stop 'eating dinner' with them as often." I hear myself saying, "Then I could do a workout video or take a walk or something while they are still eating after I get home from school."
"There you go, love!" Ana says, wrapping her arms around me, "I knew you'd come up with a good compromise."
"Thank you." I say, barely lifting up my tired limbs to support her tiny body.
"Now," She says, releasing me from her surprisingly tight grip, "Do the pictures help with this little reality check you've been having?"
I glance over at the screen, and notice that the pictures are rolling through a slide-show. "Damn." I say, "And I though I was doing so well."
The two of us begin pinching fat all over my body and pointing out all the areas I need to lose weight in. I silently resolve to do much better as the year progresses.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Decisions... Decisions
"Ana!" I moan, "I feel like I am going to vomit."
"What's wrong sweetie?" She rushes to me quickly, "Are you okay?"
"I have no idea." I mutter, "drinking my coffee made me feel nauseated, "Eating this wrap is making me feel nauseated..."
"You didn't put real milk in your coffee did you?" She asks, "And no lactose in the wrap?"
"No, and No." I say. "Its all clean."
"Maybe you're gluten intolerant too." She suggests, "The doctor did say that was a possibility."
"Yeah." I admit, "The wrap bread does have gluten in it I think."
"Or maybe," She eyes me closely, "You're eating too much?"
"Only if part of a wrap with a scrambled egg and veggie chicken strips, containing less than 250 Calories, most of which I fed to my cats is too much." I look around to make sure there is a trash can near me just in case. "Though I do feel disgustingly full."
"The fullness is probably because your wrap had so much protein and fiber in it." She offers, "Veggie pseudomeats, eggs, those diet wraps you use..."
"...All are either high in protein, fiber, or both." I finish for her. "You know what?"
Ana looks at me expectantly, "What?"
"I think that this time through ABC, I am not always going to eat exactly the amount of calories allowed." I say, "No, I am going to try not to eat anything if I can help it, and when I do eat... the limit will be the maximum, not the exact number."
"Yay!" Ana looks happier than I have made her for a long time. "But are you sure you can do it?"
"Of course!" I shrug, "I have gone through the WHOLE ABC Diet before following the numbers EXACTLY. What's to say I can't cut back a bit? There is nothing wrong with eating less on a diet huh?"
"You're right, love!" Ana flings her arms around me and hugs me tightly. "And I have been waiting for you to say those words for a while."
I hug her back, enjoying the moment. "Ana," I say when she finally lets go, "You'll never believe what happened when I checked Pretty Thin! Actually... you probably will."
"Oh?" she says, "Will I now?"
"I got a reply back," I grin, "And there is a girl who wants to do the ABC Diet with me!"
"Good!" She is practically dancing with glee. "It's about time you gt a new buddy. After all, I am already perfect, no offense, so its not quite the same as if I was someone trying to lose weight like you."
"Oh, none taken!" I know she isn't trying to be offensive. "I just wish I was already as beautiful as you."
"You will be, baby," She whispers, "You will be. Just keep trying. Oh, and remember to bring water and a bowl for your sister's puppy when you take her running today."
"Oh trust me," I laugh, "I will. I don't want to have to carry the poor thing because she gets too tired."
"Speaking of tired," she says, "You should take a nap dear, you look exhausted."
"I am." I say, "I woke up early to go to the gym, but my mom wasn't going today."
"Aw." She says, "that's disappointing."
"Yeah." I sigh, "But her hip is bothering her again."
"That's too bad." She says, and I have to agree.
"I don't want to grow up." I whisper, "Not when all that comes with age is more work, and more pain."
"Well, darling," Ana looks at me seriously, "You have to get older. That's a fact of life. And you have to mature, but physically, you don't have to age."
"You're right." I smile. "I want to freeze my body in time as a child, and never get 'womanly curves'. That's just a term meaning FAT."
"That's my girl!" Ana claps proudly, "That's my girl."
"What's wrong sweetie?" She rushes to me quickly, "Are you okay?"
"I have no idea." I mutter, "drinking my coffee made me feel nauseated, "Eating this wrap is making me feel nauseated..."
"You didn't put real milk in your coffee did you?" She asks, "And no lactose in the wrap?"
"No, and No." I say. "Its all clean."
"Maybe you're gluten intolerant too." She suggests, "The doctor did say that was a possibility."
"Yeah." I admit, "The wrap bread does have gluten in it I think."
"Or maybe," She eyes me closely, "You're eating too much?"
"Only if part of a wrap with a scrambled egg and veggie chicken strips, containing less than 250 Calories, most of which I fed to my cats is too much." I look around to make sure there is a trash can near me just in case. "Though I do feel disgustingly full."
"The fullness is probably because your wrap had so much protein and fiber in it." She offers, "Veggie pseudomeats, eggs, those diet wraps you use..."
"...All are either high in protein, fiber, or both." I finish for her. "You know what?"
Ana looks at me expectantly, "What?"
"I think that this time through ABC, I am not always going to eat exactly the amount of calories allowed." I say, "No, I am going to try not to eat anything if I can help it, and when I do eat... the limit will be the maximum, not the exact number."
"Yay!" Ana looks happier than I have made her for a long time. "But are you sure you can do it?"
"Of course!" I shrug, "I have gone through the WHOLE ABC Diet before following the numbers EXACTLY. What's to say I can't cut back a bit? There is nothing wrong with eating less on a diet huh?"
"You're right, love!" Ana flings her arms around me and hugs me tightly. "And I have been waiting for you to say those words for a while."
I hug her back, enjoying the moment. "Ana," I say when she finally lets go, "You'll never believe what happened when I checked Pretty Thin! Actually... you probably will."
"Oh?" she says, "Will I now?"
"I got a reply back," I grin, "And there is a girl who wants to do the ABC Diet with me!"
"Good!" She is practically dancing with glee. "It's about time you gt a new buddy. After all, I am already perfect, no offense, so its not quite the same as if I was someone trying to lose weight like you."
"Oh, none taken!" I know she isn't trying to be offensive. "I just wish I was already as beautiful as you."
"You will be, baby," She whispers, "You will be. Just keep trying. Oh, and remember to bring water and a bowl for your sister's puppy when you take her running today."
"Oh trust me," I laugh, "I will. I don't want to have to carry the poor thing because she gets too tired."
"Speaking of tired," she says, "You should take a nap dear, you look exhausted."
"I am." I say, "I woke up early to go to the gym, but my mom wasn't going today."
"Aw." She says, "that's disappointing."
"Yeah." I sigh, "But her hip is bothering her again."
"That's too bad." She says, and I have to agree.
"I don't want to grow up." I whisper, "Not when all that comes with age is more work, and more pain."
"Well, darling," Ana looks at me seriously, "You have to get older. That's a fact of life. And you have to mature, but physically, you don't have to age."
"You're right." I smile. "I want to freeze my body in time as a child, and never get 'womanly curves'. That's just a term meaning FAT."
"That's my girl!" Ana claps proudly, "That's my girl."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The Close Call
My eyes open, and I look at the clock. 6:15 AM. Far to early for anyone to be getting up on summer break. Far to early. I groan and flip my blankets off of myself. I know it is too late now, and I won't be able to fall back asleep, no matter how hard I try. I had fallen asleep in my little sister's room the night before, so I try not to wake her up as I tiptoe into the bathroom. I step on the scale, and I am immediately disappointed when the scale reads no different from yesterday, or the day before. I sigh a little. I thought I had done so well yesterday! I meander down to the kitchen and begin getting out medicines and vitamins. And then...
"Period cramps!" I whisper as I drop what I am doing and crouch, trying to rid myself of the pain in my abdomen. "Damn! I remember why I hate this."
"Because its a sign of your weakness, and a clue that you haven't lost enough weight yet?" A familiar voice sounds in my ear as Ana materializes from around a corner.
"Well, that too." I sigh, ashamed, and stand up. "But also... it just hurts."
"Hmm." She agrees, leaning against the kitchen wall as she holds out a warm cup of green tea to me.
I accept it, and look up. "Sweetened with fiber enhanced Splenda?"
"Always." She nods. "Anyways, you may be relieved to know that your current pain is not, in fact, period cramps."
"No?" I turn my head and look at her sideways.
"No." The corners of her lips turn up in a knowing grin. "That's the last of your laxative working before-"
I practically drop the tea on the counter and sprint to the nearest bathroom.
"- before... well... that happens."
A little while later I am standing on the scale again. Only this time, I'm not so disappointed. I am nearly two whole pounds lighter. I know that's not permanent weight loss, but I can't help but be proud.
"I am proud of you too!" Ana squeals with delight, "Now you just need to keep that off."
"Yeah." I agree, "The only way to keep off that weight is to fast as planned, and then start ABC."
"Good girl!" Ana's eyes light up. "Keep this up, and You'll be skinny before school starts!"
I smile, a happy warmth filling my heart.
"It feels better than food," Ana smiles at me knowingly. "Doesn't it?"
"It does." I say. "Thank you."
My resolve is tested, however, within a few minutes. My parents wake up, and my dad starts making biscuits. The smell of the fresh bread fills my nose and I immediately want to eat one. As he relocates them to a bowl with the spatula, I reach out and grab one. I split it in half, and pull out my fat free butter.
"Lactose." Ana whispers in my ear.
I don't care. I tell her mentally, I'll take a lactase pill. And I open the lid. Clearly, this butter substitute has passed its prime, because the second the lid of the tub is gone, a horrible stench fills my nose. Ana gags. I wrinkle my nose and replace the lid. I feel I am going to gag as well. I cough and drop the tub into the trash. Normally I would have recycled the plastic tub, but that REALLY smells. One good thing comes of the rancid I can't believe it's not butter however, the incident gives me enough time to snap out of my blind food frenzy before I ruin my fast. I clutch my stomach and hand both pieces of the biscuit to my mother.
"I don't feel good right now." I say to her catching her eye and mouth "PERIOD." because my dad is in the room. She doesn't question me, and for this, I am grateful.
Ana and I walk back to my room so I can find a hoodie to put on over my tee because I am absolutely freezing. I can't really say its because of my incredible weight loss, however. My mom just keeps our house really cold. Terrible for the environment really, but I can't get her to change her mind.
"That was close." Ana looks at me solemnly.
"Yeah." I drop my head, thoroughly ashamed again. "Thank you for letting me stop myself though."
"No problem!" She smiles, "I knew you could do it! You just got a little closer than I would have liked. Much further, and I would have stopped you."
"I need to re-inspire myself." I lift an eyebrow. "I think I know what we're going to do today."
"Period cramps!" I whisper as I drop what I am doing and crouch, trying to rid myself of the pain in my abdomen. "Damn! I remember why I hate this."
"Because its a sign of your weakness, and a clue that you haven't lost enough weight yet?" A familiar voice sounds in my ear as Ana materializes from around a corner.
"Well, that too." I sigh, ashamed, and stand up. "But also... it just hurts."
"Hmm." She agrees, leaning against the kitchen wall as she holds out a warm cup of green tea to me.
I accept it, and look up. "Sweetened with fiber enhanced Splenda?"
"Always." She nods. "Anyways, you may be relieved to know that your current pain is not, in fact, period cramps."
"No?" I turn my head and look at her sideways.
"No." The corners of her lips turn up in a knowing grin. "That's the last of your laxative working before-"
I practically drop the tea on the counter and sprint to the nearest bathroom.
"- before... well... that happens."
A little while later I am standing on the scale again. Only this time, I'm not so disappointed. I am nearly two whole pounds lighter. I know that's not permanent weight loss, but I can't help but be proud.
"I am proud of you too!" Ana squeals with delight, "Now you just need to keep that off."
"Yeah." I agree, "The only way to keep off that weight is to fast as planned, and then start ABC."
"Good girl!" Ana's eyes light up. "Keep this up, and You'll be skinny before school starts!"
I smile, a happy warmth filling my heart.
"It feels better than food," Ana smiles at me knowingly. "Doesn't it?"
"It does." I say. "Thank you."
My resolve is tested, however, within a few minutes. My parents wake up, and my dad starts making biscuits. The smell of the fresh bread fills my nose and I immediately want to eat one. As he relocates them to a bowl with the spatula, I reach out and grab one. I split it in half, and pull out my fat free butter.
"Lactose." Ana whispers in my ear.
I don't care. I tell her mentally, I'll take a lactase pill. And I open the lid. Clearly, this butter substitute has passed its prime, because the second the lid of the tub is gone, a horrible stench fills my nose. Ana gags. I wrinkle my nose and replace the lid. I feel I am going to gag as well. I cough and drop the tub into the trash. Normally I would have recycled the plastic tub, but that REALLY smells. One good thing comes of the rancid I can't believe it's not butter however, the incident gives me enough time to snap out of my blind food frenzy before I ruin my fast. I clutch my stomach and hand both pieces of the biscuit to my mother.
"I don't feel good right now." I say to her catching her eye and mouth "PERIOD." because my dad is in the room. She doesn't question me, and for this, I am grateful.
Ana and I walk back to my room so I can find a hoodie to put on over my tee because I am absolutely freezing. I can't really say its because of my incredible weight loss, however. My mom just keeps our house really cold. Terrible for the environment really, but I can't get her to change her mind.
"That was close." Ana looks at me solemnly.
"Yeah." I drop my head, thoroughly ashamed again. "Thank you for letting me stop myself though."
"No problem!" She smiles, "I knew you could do it! You just got a little closer than I would have liked. Much further, and I would have stopped you."
"I need to re-inspire myself." I lift an eyebrow. "I think I know what we're going to do today."
Friday, July 22, 2011
A New Excuse
"Well, Ana," I say looking up from the paper I have been studying, "It's official. I'm lactose intolerant."
"That's lovely!" She says, glee filling her eyes as she flings her skinny little wrists behind me. "Now you have a new excuse."
"You are so right!" I practically shriek, and then I look her straight in the eyes; "Though I highly doubt that people are usually this happy about finding out they have a restrictive dietary health condition."
She giggles. "True. Which means you must act disappointed, or even irritated when it comes up."
Her suggestion makes me laugh under my breath. "Good thing I am an actress!"
"That you are, love!" She smiles as she pats my shoulder. "Be a good girl and take these." She hands me a bottle of appetite suppressants. "Its really too bad your period came back."
"I know." I lower my head in complete and utter shame. "I'm getting so fat again!"
"You grew an inch." She shrugs.
"I grew an in inch." I mutter antagonistically, "Lovely. But its no excuse for munchies."
"Very good." She smiles again, and kisses the top of my forehead. "That's my girl!"
Her words echo in my ears. That's my girl. That's my girl. My girl. My... When a thought hits me. What if I'm changing? What if...? I have been using laxatives more recently; trying to make up for eating too much. I gained weight again. What if...? This idea which has squeezed its way into my head reverberates from all the corners of my mind in a resounding failure. Suddenly I can't take it anymore.
"Ana!" I cry out in fear, straightening up, and rising to my feet, "Ana, what if I'm becoming bulimic?!?"
"Don't worry, my love," She whispers tucking loose hair behind my ear, "I've been listening to you struggle with this subconsciously for some time now. Remember, I'm in your head, so I know what you are thinking."
"Why didn't you say something?" I am on the brink of tears. "Why didn't you tell me what you suspected was happening?"
"Because it isn't." I don't quite grasp what she is saying. "It isn't happening. Darling, You aren't turning into a bulimic. You are mine, and I will never let you go. Just because you have used a few laxatives doesn't mean you are weakening."
"So I'll still be ok?" I ask, "I'll still be ... like I am?"
"Yes." She says lifting a burden that I had barely just realized was there. "You still belong to me."
"Ana?" I begin to propose a new question. "Is it bad that I don't like saying the word... you know... 'anorexic' out loud?"
"NO!" She says, "That's quite alright. You don't want anyone to know. And they can't know! That is OUR secret. That word makes you uncomfortable. It always has."
"Yeah, It has." I admit, "Its so demeaning. It makes it seem as if we are some sort of filthy lepers."
"Society is so cruel." Ana sighs, looking like she too is on the verge of crying. "Everyone wants to be thin and beautiful, so when someone finds a way to get that way, and they know that they aren't strong enough to do the same, they hurdle cruel names at them. They tell everyone that the beautiful ones are sick." She is spitting her words now, anger forming from the sadness of a few moments ago. "Jealousy makes people do such horrid things. You of all people would know, my love."
My thoughts flit to the past school year when I was down to my lowest weight and people started ridiculing me. I lost everything. I even lost love. Not my boyfriend's fault. No, I broke up with him. I literally lost my capacity to love because of all the pain they caused me. Then something else redirects my thoughts.
"There is a girl." I start, "A girl at my school, who used to be really fat. Then one school year she comes back from break, and she is thin and beautiful, and likes to run and play sports. She NEVER liked running before that summer. And no one thought anything of it! I was the only one who saw right through her charade, because I am like her. I saw her never eating. I watched as she shrunk even more to be a size zero. No one else saw... because it happened while everyone was gone." I take a breath. "Ana, that's it! Tomorrow, I fast. Damn beach trip screwed my diet. Everyone noticed that I wasn't eating enough. The other girls thought it was because I didn't have enough money. But now that THAT is all over, I can try again! Tomorrow, I will get all that stupidity out of my system. and then, I start the ABC Diet all over again."
"Care to come up for air?" Ana stops my tirade. "Good girl. I'm proud of you. I know you did what you had to do. And now, You are fixing things. You need a buddy. You have a day of fasting to find one. Hopefully, you can. If not, You are going to have to try going this alone. But this time, no feast day of celebration for finishing. No, this time, you start over as soon as you finish. That, or you start the 2468 diet until you can get a solid system set up. Rules. Limits. That sort of thing."
"Ana," I smile at her, "I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart!" Ana kisses my cheek, "That's why I want to help you."
"That's lovely!" She says, glee filling her eyes as she flings her skinny little wrists behind me. "Now you have a new excuse."
"You are so right!" I practically shriek, and then I look her straight in the eyes; "Though I highly doubt that people are usually this happy about finding out they have a restrictive dietary health condition."
She giggles. "True. Which means you must act disappointed, or even irritated when it comes up."
Her suggestion makes me laugh under my breath. "Good thing I am an actress!"
"That you are, love!" She smiles as she pats my shoulder. "Be a good girl and take these." She hands me a bottle of appetite suppressants. "Its really too bad your period came back."
"I know." I lower my head in complete and utter shame. "I'm getting so fat again!"
"You grew an inch." She shrugs.
"I grew an in inch." I mutter antagonistically, "Lovely. But its no excuse for munchies."
"Very good." She smiles again, and kisses the top of my forehead. "That's my girl!"
Her words echo in my ears. That's my girl. That's my girl. My girl. My... When a thought hits me. What if I'm changing? What if...? I have been using laxatives more recently; trying to make up for eating too much. I gained weight again. What if...? This idea which has squeezed its way into my head reverberates from all the corners of my mind in a resounding failure. Suddenly I can't take it anymore.
"Ana!" I cry out in fear, straightening up, and rising to my feet, "Ana, what if I'm becoming bulimic?!?"
"Don't worry, my love," She whispers tucking loose hair behind my ear, "I've been listening to you struggle with this subconsciously for some time now. Remember, I'm in your head, so I know what you are thinking."
"Why didn't you say something?" I am on the brink of tears. "Why didn't you tell me what you suspected was happening?"
"Because it isn't." I don't quite grasp what she is saying. "It isn't happening. Darling, You aren't turning into a bulimic. You are mine, and I will never let you go. Just because you have used a few laxatives doesn't mean you are weakening."
"So I'll still be ok?" I ask, "I'll still be ... like I am?"
"Yes." She says lifting a burden that I had barely just realized was there. "You still belong to me."
"Ana?" I begin to propose a new question. "Is it bad that I don't like saying the word... you know... 'anorexic' out loud?"
"NO!" She says, "That's quite alright. You don't want anyone to know. And they can't know! That is OUR secret. That word makes you uncomfortable. It always has."
"Yeah, It has." I admit, "Its so demeaning. It makes it seem as if we are some sort of filthy lepers."
"Society is so cruel." Ana sighs, looking like she too is on the verge of crying. "Everyone wants to be thin and beautiful, so when someone finds a way to get that way, and they know that they aren't strong enough to do the same, they hurdle cruel names at them. They tell everyone that the beautiful ones are sick." She is spitting her words now, anger forming from the sadness of a few moments ago. "Jealousy makes people do such horrid things. You of all people would know, my love."
My thoughts flit to the past school year when I was down to my lowest weight and people started ridiculing me. I lost everything. I even lost love. Not my boyfriend's fault. No, I broke up with him. I literally lost my capacity to love because of all the pain they caused me. Then something else redirects my thoughts.
"There is a girl." I start, "A girl at my school, who used to be really fat. Then one school year she comes back from break, and she is thin and beautiful, and likes to run and play sports. She NEVER liked running before that summer. And no one thought anything of it! I was the only one who saw right through her charade, because I am like her. I saw her never eating. I watched as she shrunk even more to be a size zero. No one else saw... because it happened while everyone was gone." I take a breath. "Ana, that's it! Tomorrow, I fast. Damn beach trip screwed my diet. Everyone noticed that I wasn't eating enough. The other girls thought it was because I didn't have enough money. But now that THAT is all over, I can try again! Tomorrow, I will get all that stupidity out of my system. and then, I start the ABC Diet all over again."
"Care to come up for air?" Ana stops my tirade. "Good girl. I'm proud of you. I know you did what you had to do. And now, You are fixing things. You need a buddy. You have a day of fasting to find one. Hopefully, you can. If not, You are going to have to try going this alone. But this time, no feast day of celebration for finishing. No, this time, you start over as soon as you finish. That, or you start the 2468 diet until you can get a solid system set up. Rules. Limits. That sort of thing."
"Ana," I smile at her, "I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart!" Ana kisses my cheek, "That's why I want to help you."
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Premonition
"Every time I eat, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yet, for some reason, I keep eating today. I'm not hungry, and its causing me pain. But I'm eating anyway. Yesterday I felt the need to use a laxative. Just because." I look expectantly at Ana, waiting for her to give me an answer. But there are none. She just shakes her head.
"You were doing so well love," Her eyes lift to meet mine. "You were looking so thin!"
Her words leave her lips and sparkle their way across the air to meet my ears. I was looking so thin! Then I remember that she is using past tense. I was looking so thin. . . And after today, I have ballooned up again.
"Ana," I say, "I really feel bad. I have failed you. More than that, I have failed myself!"
"You're right." She says, pity filling her eyes. "You have failed. I love you so much, though, and you are strong. You can make up for it."
"And that is where you are right, Ana." I say grinning, "I am going to start the ABC diet tomorrow."
"Oh?" She says, "You don't have a buddy this time."
"True." I sigh, "But I last time, my buddy had to quit. I did most of the diet on my own."
"Tragic..." Ana sighs, "... Tragic when parents get involved like that."
I am floating on the proverbial cloud nine. I am going to start the ABC Diet again, and I will be thin and beautiful once more. Last time, I lost just over 30 lbs. in a simple 50 days.
"Ana," I say after a few minutes pass, "Do you think if I start the ABC Diet tomorrow, I will look good enough in time for school pictures?"
"That's my darling," She giggles and embraces me in her whimsical arms. "Always thinking of the future. I think," She says after a bit of a pause, "That you will look lovely in time for your year book picture."
"The real trouble is going to be my trip to the beach." I look down as that reality sinks in. "How am I going o do my own thing there? I will be with my mom and two sisters, and one of my best friends for a whole week!"
"I am sure, love," She holds my shoulders and looks deeply into my eyes. "That you, of all people, will manage."
Immediately though, my thoughts turn to how I will get out of eating much all week, and how I will bring my own pre-calorie-calculated rations. "Veggie burgers." I grin, "That's a start! And eggs."
"Veggie burgers are a great start." Ana smiles. "Eggs too. You could go with eggs in the morning. There are ways to prepare it that make it look like more food than it really is. No one will question."
"And they're 70 calories and 7g of protein. Shouldn't take a huge chunk out of my diet." I am grinning now. "Veggie sausage patties are 70 calories as well, and veggie sausage links are 40 calories each. They would be easy to eat when people start getting suspicious."
"Very good, dear!" Ana claps her hands in a beautiful, child like fashion that I envy so much. "My main concern is when you all go out for dinner."
"Damn." I feel like crying when I remember that. "What am I going to do?"
"Play sick?" She shrugs. "I really don't know. You could pretend to be to sick to eat. Or you could day that you don't think you can eat the food that they select at the restaurant."
"Except, the problem is if they decide to be courteous of me." I am afraid that I really might cry now. "Damn nice friends."
I turn into Ana's bony little shoulder and just let the tears flow. She cradles my trembling frame in her beautiful, tiny hands and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. "You'll get through this, sweetie. I promise."
I gasp and sob some more. "I could stay at the beach and try to skip meals." I take a deep breath between sobs. "Or draw something and pretend to be to busy to eat, but that still won't get me out of meals in the city!" The tears start right back up again.
"I guess we can solve that problem when we come to it." Ana whispers and kisses the top of my head, gently. "Just try to do your best, and remember: I love you."
"You were doing so well love," Her eyes lift to meet mine. "You were looking so thin!"
Her words leave her lips and sparkle their way across the air to meet my ears. I was looking so thin! Then I remember that she is using past tense. I was looking so thin. . . And after today, I have ballooned up again.
"Ana," I say, "I really feel bad. I have failed you. More than that, I have failed myself!"
"You're right." She says, pity filling her eyes. "You have failed. I love you so much, though, and you are strong. You can make up for it."
"And that is where you are right, Ana." I say grinning, "I am going to start the ABC diet tomorrow."
"Oh?" She says, "You don't have a buddy this time."
"True." I sigh, "But I last time, my buddy had to quit. I did most of the diet on my own."
"Tragic..." Ana sighs, "... Tragic when parents get involved like that."
I am floating on the proverbial cloud nine. I am going to start the ABC Diet again, and I will be thin and beautiful once more. Last time, I lost just over 30 lbs. in a simple 50 days.
"Ana," I say after a few minutes pass, "Do you think if I start the ABC Diet tomorrow, I will look good enough in time for school pictures?"
"That's my darling," She giggles and embraces me in her whimsical arms. "Always thinking of the future. I think," She says after a bit of a pause, "That you will look lovely in time for your year book picture."
"The real trouble is going to be my trip to the beach." I look down as that reality sinks in. "How am I going o do my own thing there? I will be with my mom and two sisters, and one of my best friends for a whole week!"
"I am sure, love," She holds my shoulders and looks deeply into my eyes. "That you, of all people, will manage."
Immediately though, my thoughts turn to how I will get out of eating much all week, and how I will bring my own pre-calorie-calculated rations. "Veggie burgers." I grin, "That's a start! And eggs."
"Veggie burgers are a great start." Ana smiles. "Eggs too. You could go with eggs in the morning. There are ways to prepare it that make it look like more food than it really is. No one will question."
"And they're 70 calories and 7g of protein. Shouldn't take a huge chunk out of my diet." I am grinning now. "Veggie sausage patties are 70 calories as well, and veggie sausage links are 40 calories each. They would be easy to eat when people start getting suspicious."
"Very good, dear!" Ana claps her hands in a beautiful, child like fashion that I envy so much. "My main concern is when you all go out for dinner."
"Damn." I feel like crying when I remember that. "What am I going to do?"
"Play sick?" She shrugs. "I really don't know. You could pretend to be to sick to eat. Or you could day that you don't think you can eat the food that they select at the restaurant."
"Except, the problem is if they decide to be courteous of me." I am afraid that I really might cry now. "Damn nice friends."
I turn into Ana's bony little shoulder and just let the tears flow. She cradles my trembling frame in her beautiful, tiny hands and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. "You'll get through this, sweetie. I promise."
I gasp and sob some more. "I could stay at the beach and try to skip meals." I take a deep breath between sobs. "Or draw something and pretend to be to busy to eat, but that still won't get me out of meals in the city!" The tears start right back up again.
"I guess we can solve that problem when we come to it." Ana whispers and kisses the top of my head, gently. "Just try to do your best, and remember: I love you."
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Attack
My dad is making too much noise. I turn over in the sofa, groaning, and realize he's making too much noise on purpose. He's trying to wake me up. Its too early for me to be awake now! I look over at the clock on the adjacent wall. It's 10:45 am. It's 2 whole hours earlier than i usually get up. Well I'm fully awake now, and there is no way I'll be able to get back to sleep now. That's when I realize I have a massive headache.
Really? I think to no particular entity, Another migraine? How is this even fair? Sometimes I just wish I was normal. Now I am just complaining to myself. I feel a cold hand stroking my forehead and massaging my temples. I instantly recognize the colder-than-life touch to be that of my favorite entity, Ana.
"I'm sorry, sweetie." She says, sending a sympathetic smile my way, "This really isn't my fault. I swear. I would never do this to you. You have to believe me."
I check to make sure I am the only one within hearing range before I answer. "Of course I believe you, Ana! You are the only one who absolutely NEVER lies to me. I know this isn't your fault."
I stand up, aching all over. My hands and feet are sore from God-knows-what, and my eyes sting slightly as open them fully for the first time this morning. I wander towards the kitchen and take some Tylenol. I know it probably won't help anything as usual, but there's no harm in hoping. I down the pills with some coffee and look around trying to find the watermelon. My mom likes to save space in the refrigerator by turning the temperature in the house way down and putting the uncut watermelon over an air conditioner vent. Ana and I had come up with a new diet plan for me since I can't count calories so much with my health problems and my family watching me so much. I am going to eat only watermelon for as long as I can manage and drink tea and coffee. Its not quite a fast, but its really second-best to one. I cut a piece of the melon I finally find into cubes and place them in a bowl and meander up to my room, bowl in hand. I set the bowl down on my bedside table and that's when the attack hits.
All of the sudden it feels like my chest is being ripped apart. I gasp for breath as pain envelops me. I let out a scream which shakes my whole frame, causing the pain to spread to my back and shoulders. I throw myself onto the floor. My eyes are clenched tightly shut, and I feel my body writhing in pain, trying to find some angle which will cause me relief. Somehow, I suddenly recall something that a girl I know who suffers from a similar, unidentifiable condition told me helps her when she has similar attacks of pain. I fumble around in blind desperation, slipping on a pair of shoes and bolting down the stairs and out the door. At first I try walking around my entire yard. I gradually have to increase my speed to accommodate for the adjustment to the pain level. After several laps, I have broken into a full-out sprint. I know I can't out run the pain, and suddenly as if my body is agreeing with me, a new rush of pain surges through my chest and threatens to tear my body into pieces, crushing my ribs in the process. I literally cannot breathe at this point. I start to stumble, and the next thing I can tell I am on my hands and knees next to the swing set in my back yard. Shaky, shuddering breaths pull at my lungs, and I start to see my vision fading. my fingers lace into the grass as I attempt to stay upright. A final gasp finally breaks oxygen into my throat and my diaphragm snatches wildly succeeding in grabbing the precious air into my body. Then, as suddenly as it hit me, the attack is over. I am still aching all over as I walk back inside and call my mom's cell phone to tell her what happened.
I hang up the phone and look at Ana, who has been following me frantically this entire time. I sighed and began to say word that scared us both. "I have a doctors appointment this afternoon."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A Place to REALLY be Heard
My eyes float open as the sleeping pills abruptly wear off. I am stretched out across my ridiculously uncomfortable bed and I realize that in my fitful sleep, I have tossed and turned the blankets into a tangled mess, and I am totally trapped. A chill runs down my spine and I shiver as I begin to sit up. I untwist a sheet and 3 fleece blankets from around my ankles and pull my jacket tighter over my arms where it had begun to slide off.
Recently, I've been having a lot of those dreams where you're trying to run but you're in slow motion while the rest of the world is on fast forward. A few times I was running for fun and I kept getting stopped by a really hot guy who kept trying to talk to me and I would run past him because I thought he looked like just another jerk trying to get inside my super tight, teeny-bopper, running shorts but it turns out he was actually a nice guy. Other times, I'm running form someone who's trying to kidnap or shoot me. Those, of course, are always pleasant. But last night's dream was totally different from the rest of late. I was walking down by the beach at night in a long, fluttery dress, and the water kept swirling around my feet and splashing playfully at my ankles and I felt sad because I wanted to walk out into the middle of the ocean, because something was calling to me from across the foamy waves, but I knew I would drown in the long dress. I began to shiver and shake and I was about to cry when I felt someone put their arms around me and kiss my hair gently. Then when they asked me what was wrong, I fainted, falling into the water, soaking the beautiful, goddess-like dress, and dirtying my hair and the dress with sand. That was the last thing I remembered. It was so entrancing, yet surreal.
My mind flits back to last night, or this early morning, rather, around 2:00 when I couldn't sleep and suddenly the inspiration to write a poem had struck me. I walk over to wear my laptop rests on my desk, and sit down. I pull up the file and read it over again.
"Secrets are Meant to be Kept"
Is it worth the risk of judgemental eyes
Looking you over a second time?
Or the way they stop and silently stare
Whenever you're close enough to hear?
How about your friends?
Would they still love you then,
when you pour out your heart in the table?
Just keep it all in:
How you wish to be thin,
For some secrets are meant to be kept.
I am reading the last line, when I feel a cold hand settle lightly on my shoulder. A light, musical voice coos a happy "Good Morning!" to me. I look up at Ana as her wind-chime voice begins again. "You shouldn't keep this poem a secret."
"What are you talking about?" shocked, I search her eyes for a hint of a joke, and finding none, stare silently at her ethereal frame until she explains herself.
"That poem breathes truth." She whispers, "The other girls like you would easily relate to it. Even the boys who love me could relate."
"So," the tone of my voice is riddled with unasked questions as I begin to form one aloud, "You think I should post it on the Pretty Thin blog?"
She smiles a tiny smile that suggests I still haven't guessed her intentions. "Well that's a start," She says playfully, "but tell me one thing you've noticed from posting poems there?"
"They get lost in the sea of other works." I sigh, "So many people post there that its hard for anyone to actually find them."
"This, darling, is sadly true." her hand falls from my shoulder and she sits on the chair next to me. and begins to stare intently at the screen. "Which is why I think you should start a blog for featuring pro-ana poems only. They won't have to compete for space on the pretty thin servers, and they won't get overshadowed by the long rants that wannarexics post that ramble and bemoan their fatness."
I begin to process the idea and flesh it out more in my mind. "That is," I nod in her direction, "A really... good... idea."
"I know." She smiles to herself, "That's why I said it."
I begin to fumble around with the creation of the new page, but I stop at the web address. I look at her with the question in my eyes, and she immediately knows what I am non-verbally asking.
"What to call it?" She vocalizes my question, "Well you want it to be associated with your other blog, so it should have a similar name. See if www.skinnie4evur-poetry.blogspot.com is already taken."
The address was available, just as we'd hoped, and so I began to set up the webpage.
"This will also help to distract you from food." Ana smiled helpfully, "Its always nice to have another reason or excuse not to eat."
Recently, I've been having a lot of those dreams where you're trying to run but you're in slow motion while the rest of the world is on fast forward. A few times I was running for fun and I kept getting stopped by a really hot guy who kept trying to talk to me and I would run past him because I thought he looked like just another jerk trying to get inside my super tight, teeny-bopper, running shorts but it turns out he was actually a nice guy. Other times, I'm running form someone who's trying to kidnap or shoot me. Those, of course, are always pleasant. But last night's dream was totally different from the rest of late. I was walking down by the beach at night in a long, fluttery dress, and the water kept swirling around my feet and splashing playfully at my ankles and I felt sad because I wanted to walk out into the middle of the ocean, because something was calling to me from across the foamy waves, but I knew I would drown in the long dress. I began to shiver and shake and I was about to cry when I felt someone put their arms around me and kiss my hair gently. Then when they asked me what was wrong, I fainted, falling into the water, soaking the beautiful, goddess-like dress, and dirtying my hair and the dress with sand. That was the last thing I remembered. It was so entrancing, yet surreal.
My mind flits back to last night, or this early morning, rather, around 2:00 when I couldn't sleep and suddenly the inspiration to write a poem had struck me. I walk over to wear my laptop rests on my desk, and sit down. I pull up the file and read it over again.
"Secrets are Meant to be Kept"
Is it worth the risk of judgemental eyes
Looking you over a second time?
Or the way they stop and silently stare
Whenever you're close enough to hear?
How about your friends?
Would they still love you then,
when you pour out your heart in the table?
Just keep it all in:
How you wish to be thin,
For some secrets are meant to be kept.
I am reading the last line, when I feel a cold hand settle lightly on my shoulder. A light, musical voice coos a happy "Good Morning!" to me. I look up at Ana as her wind-chime voice begins again. "You shouldn't keep this poem a secret."
"What are you talking about?" shocked, I search her eyes for a hint of a joke, and finding none, stare silently at her ethereal frame until she explains herself.
"That poem breathes truth." She whispers, "The other girls like you would easily relate to it. Even the boys who love me could relate."
"So," the tone of my voice is riddled with unasked questions as I begin to form one aloud, "You think I should post it on the Pretty Thin blog?"
She smiles a tiny smile that suggests I still haven't guessed her intentions. "Well that's a start," She says playfully, "but tell me one thing you've noticed from posting poems there?"
"They get lost in the sea of other works." I sigh, "So many people post there that its hard for anyone to actually find them."
"This, darling, is sadly true." her hand falls from my shoulder and she sits on the chair next to me. and begins to stare intently at the screen. "Which is why I think you should start a blog for featuring pro-ana poems only. They won't have to compete for space on the pretty thin servers, and they won't get overshadowed by the long rants that wannarexics post that ramble and bemoan their fatness."
I begin to process the idea and flesh it out more in my mind. "That is," I nod in her direction, "A really... good... idea."
"I know." She smiles to herself, "That's why I said it."
I begin to fumble around with the creation of the new page, but I stop at the web address. I look at her with the question in my eyes, and she immediately knows what I am non-verbally asking.
"What to call it?" She vocalizes my question, "Well you want it to be associated with your other blog, so it should have a similar name. See if www.skinnie4evur-poetry.blogspot.com is already taken."
The address was available, just as we'd hoped, and so I began to set up the webpage.
"This will also help to distract you from food." Ana smiled helpfully, "Its always nice to have another reason or excuse not to eat."
Sunday, February 20, 2011
ABCDiet Jour Vingt-Huit
I tossed and turned all night. I woke up about every 2 hours, finally glancing at my new text messages and getting up at 7:50 am.
"Good morning, dear." Ana's melodic voice drifts from the foot of my bed to my tired ears. "You know, I'm not the one causing your insomnia."
"I know." I never thought she had been. "Its the Hypercalcimia."
"That's also why you're sore and sluggish." Ana says innocently. "None of that is my fault."
"Its also a good excuse for not eating." I look at her with a wicked grin on my face. "Hypercalcimia causes a decreased appetite, so my parents won't suspect an eating disorder."
"But that's not the only reason you're able to get this far in your diet sweetie." She swings her feet over the side of my bed and sits next to me. "You are strong." She pokes my thigh and both of us stare disgustedly at how much the fat on it gives. "That's nothing your will power won't fix."
I stand and walk toward the kitchen. I had prepared this morning's breakfast last night. The deformed, buttery, half cooked biscuits from yesterday had turned into a crust in a square glass dish. I had used up the last of the partially empty box of eggs and mixed it with the last of the open bag of shredded cheddar cheese, then poured it into the bottom of the biscuit-crust. Next I had cooked a forever-ancient, mostly empty bag of fatty Jimmy Dean sausages just enough to melt away the remaining ice that I had been unable to get off, and so I could chop them into tiny little pieces. I had spread them in a layer thick enough that no more egg underneath it was visible. Lastly I had taken a few eggs from the full box and mixed them with the remainder of a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese from the spaghetti pie from the night before. I poured the egg mixture over the sausages. Most of the egg, but some of the cheese, sank in between the sausage bits. Most of the cheese, but some of the egg stayed on top of the greasy meat.
When I pull the breakfast casserole out of the refrigerator, I put it in the oven for a few minutes, and then move it to cook the rest in the microwave. When it is finished, I cut a slice of the banana bread I made yesterday for everyone, butter them, heat them long enough to melt the fat into the sugary carbs, and put each slice on a plate. On each of the 4 plates, I proceed to place a slice of the breakfast casserole. I take a plate to everyone, and then reopen the freezer to figure out what I will use today's 200 calories on.
"You should eat some of your Morning Star veggie sausages." Ana whisperes, taking the box off the top shelf of the freezer, "Your mom knows you hate regular sausages, but you'll still be eating basically the same thing as them."
"1 serving of those sausages is two links, which is 80 calories..." I trail off a bit, "an egg is 70..." I pull out my calculator and punch in the numbers. "That would give me 50 calories left."
"Perfect!" She giggles, "You can have the last of your Fiber One key lime pie flavored yogurts!"
"I love it when things work out so evenly like that!" I say to her, "It just makes me so happy!"
"You are one crazy little girl!" Ana laughs as she wraps her thin, beautiful arms around my shoulders. "But that's why I love you so much."
I cook the veggie sausages and egg, grab the yogurt out of the freezer, get a baby spoon to eat the yogurt, and a fork to eat the rest, and walk to the living room where my mom is checking her email on her Mac Book Pro. She looks at me as I sit down, and asks: "Why aren't you eating the breakfast casserole?"
"I don't like regular sausages. They make me feel extra nauseated." I look at her with an innocently blank face. "But I'm still eating basically the same thing as the rest of you, just the way I like them. I really made the casserole with Dad in mind."
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. That's right." My mother looks at me with sympathetic eyes only a mother can have. "I forgot the greace in meat sausages made you feel sicker."
"Yeah..." I pretend to look disappointed. "But I'm eating two veggie sausages, and an egg, but I don't like my yolk and whites to mix, and I like more pepper on my eggs. I'm eating the yogurt instead of banana bread because the butter on the bread makes me feel bad too." The last part was a total lie.
"And your not eating any of the crust made from deformed, store brand, butter-already-in-the-dough biscuits, or either kind of the fatty cheese!" Ana says, but only I can hear her from where she stands behind my chair. "I'm sure you are eating less than a third of the calories they are."
I eat my food where my mo can see me eating every last bit of it. I want to be sure she thinks I'm eating relatively normally. When I finish, I stand and take my dishes back to the kitchen along with the dishes of everyone else who has finished their breakfast. I return to the living room, and pause before going up the stairs to my room. "Mom?" I get her attention. "I am feeling really sore and terrible." This is true. I really am. "I'm going to go back upstairs and take a nap. If I'm not awake by lunch time, my plan for lunch is for us to eat the leftover spaghetti pie, a can of green beans, and buttered cheese-bread toast."
"Okay." She smiles, "I can handle that for you. You try to get some rest."
"And by 'take a nap' we mean update all the ED websites you are a member of, and message all the Pro-Ana Text buddies in your contact list." Ana smirks, "You are really a great actress."
Tell me something I don't know. I think sarcastically to her so no one else will hear, I want to be a famous professional actress.
"The best actresses are skinny." She looks at me very seriously. "So are the best female singers."
"I know." I sigh. "And since I want to be both of those, I am working on being skinny. I want to be discovered as soon as possible... Like that'll ever happen though."
"Aw." She rubs my back a little, "Be more optimistic! Next time you go to a discovery convention, they'll be tons more likely to pick you since you've lost weight. Really, there aren't a lot of roles that call for a fat teenage girl."
"You have a point." I say, "Maybe next time, I'll have better luck."
"I'm sure you will sweetheart," She kisses my forehead. "You were born to be famous."
A few hours later, I am planning my food for the next day. I have 1 veggie sausage left, which is 40 calories. I am out of Kashi GoLean Oatmeal which would be 150 Calories, but I do have cinnamon Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal which is 160 Calories. That would equal 200 exactly! I just wouldn't be able to add any cinnamon. Too bad. I like adding cinnamon because it boosts one's metabolism. Oh well.
"I bet by tomorrow you'll have dropped under 130 lbs." Ana's voice draws me out of my planning. "I mean, you have been really close the past few days, and your last measurement was 130.2 lbs! I am sure you have!"
"I hope so." I sigh. "I am really, really tired of seeing 13_._ lbs on the scale. I wanna see the 2nd digit drop."
"You deserve to see it drop." Ana looks at me earnestly, "You've been good! I mean, granted you haven't been able to work out as much as either of us would have liked because you've been sick and had make up work and trash like that, but you've followed my plan exactly!"
"Ugh." I groan, rubbing my sore neck, "I wouldn't want otherwise. I have barely had any cravings or desires to go over the limit. I'm quite satisfied."
"That is music to my ears, darling." She touches her cold hand to my equally cold one. "Its just beautiful."
I smile. Her praise is so important to me. I want to bask in the sunlight of that proud smile. "Actually I'm afraid to have a binge at the end. I was going to allow myself to eat a few things that I had to cut out because I don't know their exact value, but I'm so scared I'll gain weight!"
"Aw, sweetheart..." A look of concern crosses her face. "You'll know what to do."
"Honestly, Ana," I look into her eyes searching for answers. "I'm even scared of the 800 Calorie day coming up this week. That's 3x the amount of food I had today. It's WAY more than I've been eating recently. TONS more!"
"That's okay." She says, "Its to trick your body into thinking you've stopped starving yourself."
"But what if it makes the scale go up?" I shudder at the thought. "What if it makes me gain like, 10 lbs back?!?"
"No need to get hysterical." She tries to calm me down. "It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. There's a fast after that, remember?"
"Right." I close my eyes trying to block the image of a huge number on the scale from my mind. "But what if it isn't enough? What if I turn into a whale again?"
"Listen." Ana says to me, grasping my shoulders and looking intently into my eyes, "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No."
"Would I ever lie to you?"
"NO."
"Do you think I am lying to you?"
"NEVER!"
"Well then you just need to trust me." She smiles again, relaxing her iron grip on my shoulders. "You're going to be eating healthy food, with lots of protein and fiber and not much fat."
"Well what else would I eat?" I laugh, jokingly, "Do you think I would go crazy when I'm this nervous about it?"
"No, babe." She laughs too. "I;m just trying to reassure you that you'll be fine!"
"Maybe you should plan ahead. Start making your plan today." She suggests, "Its Sunday, so you have time to look at your freezer, and figure out which of your lunches is the highest in Calories."
We walked to the outside freezer and peered inside. one by one Ana and I looked at all of my healthy Microwave meals before deciding on a Kashi Chicken Florentine - 290 Calories for lunch, and for dinner, a veggie burger - 140 Calories, with a whole grain sandwich thin - 100 Calories, and an egg.
"That leaves me 170 Calories for breakfast and snacks." I said looking up at her as we close the freezer door and walk back to he kitchen, I could have a Weight Control oatmeal with 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon, or I could have a golden corn vitamuffin with an egg, or a dark chocolate diet jello mouse and a jello cup later..."
"Well, definately don't go with the Jello. That's for when you have no other options." She looks at me reproachfully. "As to whether you should have the muffin and egg or oatmeal... You'll have a day to decide... But I'd go with the muffin and egg. We're trying to cram as much fiber and protein in you as possible. i think that's your best bet honestly."
"Sounds good to me." I admit, "2 eggs in one day though..."
"Those suckers are FULL of protein darling." She rolls her eyes. "It does seem like a lot though... right?"
"A TON!" I laugh... "That's why-"
"You're nervous?" She finishes for me, "Trust me. Remember?"
"Good morning, dear." Ana's melodic voice drifts from the foot of my bed to my tired ears. "You know, I'm not the one causing your insomnia."
"I know." I never thought she had been. "Its the Hypercalcimia."
"That's also why you're sore and sluggish." Ana says innocently. "None of that is my fault."
"Its also a good excuse for not eating." I look at her with a wicked grin on my face. "Hypercalcimia causes a decreased appetite, so my parents won't suspect an eating disorder."
"But that's not the only reason you're able to get this far in your diet sweetie." She swings her feet over the side of my bed and sits next to me. "You are strong." She pokes my thigh and both of us stare disgustedly at how much the fat on it gives. "That's nothing your will power won't fix."
I stand and walk toward the kitchen. I had prepared this morning's breakfast last night. The deformed, buttery, half cooked biscuits from yesterday had turned into a crust in a square glass dish. I had used up the last of the partially empty box of eggs and mixed it with the last of the open bag of shredded cheddar cheese, then poured it into the bottom of the biscuit-crust. Next I had cooked a forever-ancient, mostly empty bag of fatty Jimmy Dean sausages just enough to melt away the remaining ice that I had been unable to get off, and so I could chop them into tiny little pieces. I had spread them in a layer thick enough that no more egg underneath it was visible. Lastly I had taken a few eggs from the full box and mixed them with the remainder of a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese from the spaghetti pie from the night before. I poured the egg mixture over the sausages. Most of the egg, but some of the cheese, sank in between the sausage bits. Most of the cheese, but some of the egg stayed on top of the greasy meat.
When I pull the breakfast casserole out of the refrigerator, I put it in the oven for a few minutes, and then move it to cook the rest in the microwave. When it is finished, I cut a slice of the banana bread I made yesterday for everyone, butter them, heat them long enough to melt the fat into the sugary carbs, and put each slice on a plate. On each of the 4 plates, I proceed to place a slice of the breakfast casserole. I take a plate to everyone, and then reopen the freezer to figure out what I will use today's 200 calories on.
"You should eat some of your Morning Star veggie sausages." Ana whisperes, taking the box off the top shelf of the freezer, "Your mom knows you hate regular sausages, but you'll still be eating basically the same thing as them."
"1 serving of those sausages is two links, which is 80 calories..." I trail off a bit, "an egg is 70..." I pull out my calculator and punch in the numbers. "That would give me 50 calories left."
"Perfect!" She giggles, "You can have the last of your Fiber One key lime pie flavored yogurts!"
"I love it when things work out so evenly like that!" I say to her, "It just makes me so happy!"
"You are one crazy little girl!" Ana laughs as she wraps her thin, beautiful arms around my shoulders. "But that's why I love you so much."
I cook the veggie sausages and egg, grab the yogurt out of the freezer, get a baby spoon to eat the yogurt, and a fork to eat the rest, and walk to the living room where my mom is checking her email on her Mac Book Pro. She looks at me as I sit down, and asks: "Why aren't you eating the breakfast casserole?"
"I don't like regular sausages. They make me feel extra nauseated." I look at her with an innocently blank face. "But I'm still eating basically the same thing as the rest of you, just the way I like them. I really made the casserole with Dad in mind."
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. That's right." My mother looks at me with sympathetic eyes only a mother can have. "I forgot the greace in meat sausages made you feel sicker."
"Yeah..." I pretend to look disappointed. "But I'm eating two veggie sausages, and an egg, but I don't like my yolk and whites to mix, and I like more pepper on my eggs. I'm eating the yogurt instead of banana bread because the butter on the bread makes me feel bad too." The last part was a total lie.
"And your not eating any of the crust made from deformed, store brand, butter-already-in-the-dough biscuits, or either kind of the fatty cheese!" Ana says, but only I can hear her from where she stands behind my chair. "I'm sure you are eating less than a third of the calories they are."
I eat my food where my mo can see me eating every last bit of it. I want to be sure she thinks I'm eating relatively normally. When I finish, I stand and take my dishes back to the kitchen along with the dishes of everyone else who has finished their breakfast. I return to the living room, and pause before going up the stairs to my room. "Mom?" I get her attention. "I am feeling really sore and terrible." This is true. I really am. "I'm going to go back upstairs and take a nap. If I'm not awake by lunch time, my plan for lunch is for us to eat the leftover spaghetti pie, a can of green beans, and buttered cheese-bread toast."
"Okay." She smiles, "I can handle that for you. You try to get some rest."
"And by 'take a nap' we mean update all the ED websites you are a member of, and message all the Pro-Ana Text buddies in your contact list." Ana smirks, "You are really a great actress."
Tell me something I don't know. I think sarcastically to her so no one else will hear, I want to be a famous professional actress.
"The best actresses are skinny." She looks at me very seriously. "So are the best female singers."
"I know." I sigh. "And since I want to be both of those, I am working on being skinny. I want to be discovered as soon as possible... Like that'll ever happen though."
"Aw." She rubs my back a little, "Be more optimistic! Next time you go to a discovery convention, they'll be tons more likely to pick you since you've lost weight. Really, there aren't a lot of roles that call for a fat teenage girl."
"You have a point." I say, "Maybe next time, I'll have better luck."
"I'm sure you will sweetheart," She kisses my forehead. "You were born to be famous."
A few hours later, I am planning my food for the next day. I have 1 veggie sausage left, which is 40 calories. I am out of Kashi GoLean Oatmeal which would be 150 Calories, but I do have cinnamon Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal which is 160 Calories. That would equal 200 exactly! I just wouldn't be able to add any cinnamon. Too bad. I like adding cinnamon because it boosts one's metabolism. Oh well.
"I bet by tomorrow you'll have dropped under 130 lbs." Ana's voice draws me out of my planning. "I mean, you have been really close the past few days, and your last measurement was 130.2 lbs! I am sure you have!"
"I hope so." I sigh. "I am really, really tired of seeing 13_._ lbs on the scale. I wanna see the 2nd digit drop."
"You deserve to see it drop." Ana looks at me earnestly, "You've been good! I mean, granted you haven't been able to work out as much as either of us would have liked because you've been sick and had make up work and trash like that, but you've followed my plan exactly!"
"Ugh." I groan, rubbing my sore neck, "I wouldn't want otherwise. I have barely had any cravings or desires to go over the limit. I'm quite satisfied."
"That is music to my ears, darling." She touches her cold hand to my equally cold one. "Its just beautiful."
I smile. Her praise is so important to me. I want to bask in the sunlight of that proud smile. "Actually I'm afraid to have a binge at the end. I was going to allow myself to eat a few things that I had to cut out because I don't know their exact value, but I'm so scared I'll gain weight!"
"Aw, sweetheart..." A look of concern crosses her face. "You'll know what to do."
"Honestly, Ana," I look into her eyes searching for answers. "I'm even scared of the 800 Calorie day coming up this week. That's 3x the amount of food I had today. It's WAY more than I've been eating recently. TONS more!"
"That's okay." She says, "Its to trick your body into thinking you've stopped starving yourself."
"But what if it makes the scale go up?" I shudder at the thought. "What if it makes me gain like, 10 lbs back?!?"
"No need to get hysterical." She tries to calm me down. "It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. There's a fast after that, remember?"
"Right." I close my eyes trying to block the image of a huge number on the scale from my mind. "But what if it isn't enough? What if I turn into a whale again?"
"Listen." Ana says to me, grasping my shoulders and looking intently into my eyes, "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No."
"Would I ever lie to you?"
"NO."
"Do you think I am lying to you?"
"NEVER!"
"Well then you just need to trust me." She smiles again, relaxing her iron grip on my shoulders. "You're going to be eating healthy food, with lots of protein and fiber and not much fat."
"Well what else would I eat?" I laugh, jokingly, "Do you think I would go crazy when I'm this nervous about it?"
"No, babe." She laughs too. "I;m just trying to reassure you that you'll be fine!"
"Maybe you should plan ahead. Start making your plan today." She suggests, "Its Sunday, so you have time to look at your freezer, and figure out which of your lunches is the highest in Calories."
We walked to the outside freezer and peered inside. one by one Ana and I looked at all of my healthy Microwave meals before deciding on a Kashi Chicken Florentine - 290 Calories for lunch, and for dinner, a veggie burger - 140 Calories, with a whole grain sandwich thin - 100 Calories, and an egg.
"That leaves me 170 Calories for breakfast and snacks." I said looking up at her as we close the freezer door and walk back to he kitchen, I could have a Weight Control oatmeal with 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon, or I could have a golden corn vitamuffin with an egg, or a dark chocolate diet jello mouse and a jello cup later..."
"Well, definately don't go with the Jello. That's for when you have no other options." She looks at me reproachfully. "As to whether you should have the muffin and egg or oatmeal... You'll have a day to decide... But I'd go with the muffin and egg. We're trying to cram as much fiber and protein in you as possible. i think that's your best bet honestly."
"Sounds good to me." I admit, "2 eggs in one day though..."
"Those suckers are FULL of protein darling." She rolls her eyes. "It does seem like a lot though... right?"
"A TON!" I laugh... "That's why-"
"You're nervous?" She finishes for me, "Trust me. Remember?"
Saturday, February 19, 2011
ABCDiet Jour Vingt-Sept
Days passed and I continued to follow the ABC Diet religiously. Since the beginning of the diet, I had, to date, lost over 20 lbs. My best friend had to stop the diet due to health issues, but continued to support me. My Pro-Ana text buddy had to quit the diet because her family caught on, but she too continued to support me and started the 2468 Diet so she would be able to trick her family into believing she was eating more food.
My own family was beginning to get suspicious that I wasn't eating enough, but I always had a good excuse. "I ate at school." "We went through a drive through during Driver's Ed." "I ate before you got home from work." "I'll eat in just a minute. Let me take a plate of food to Dad." "I hate _________! (doughnuts, burgers, milkshakes, french fries, etc." "___________ makes me feel sick." "I feel nauseated. (You would be surprised how much this one works! I have a disease that causes constant nausea though... So it is perfect!)" I tried to eat as much as possible in front of my mom. Especially on lower calorie days when there aren't enough calories to take a Weight Watchers/ Lean Cuisine/ Healthy Choice/ Kashi/ Morning Star/ Lean Pockets Microwave item to school. I bought sugar free Jello, Propel Zero, and Diet Mountain Dew. My addiction to coffee turned into an addiction to Diet Mountain Dew because it has 0 Calories but still plenty of caffeine.
Valentine's Day came and passed. I told my boyfriend not to get me anything edible. He obeyed like a good little dog. <3 He bought me a beautiful red rose, and a stuffed Skelanimals Cat. I got him 1 of each of the flavors of Bi-Lo brand Poptarts. He loves Poptarts whether or not they're name brand, and he told me not to spend any money on him. I got them on a really good sale though. He forgave me. I made a million cake truffles to give to my friends and teachers. I know I'm a kiss-ass. Tell me something I don't know. I still have tons of them sitting in my freezer. I think I'm going to try and sell them. A little extra money never hurt anyone... I think....
This morning I woke up at 5:30 am. I really don't want to be awake this early. So I go back to sleep and wake up at 7-ish. I get up and I have a plan for making breakfast for my family. Cooking has become my chore, so I have actual use for my obsession with cooking things and giving them to other people to eat. I am making chicken biscuits for my family when I realize that I didn't put the biscuits on a plate! I just put them in the toaster oven! Oh god! I'm such an idiot! I think, and then say allowed, "This is a huge mess!"
"Don't worry about it sweetheart!" the familiar voice of Ana whispers in my ear, "You will think of some way to feed that mangled mess to your family anyway. You always do."
I laugh aloud, "That's true. I hate wasting food, and I love getting rid of food from the pantry and freezer that's been there for a while and forgotten."
"And its a good thing you are on ABC and don't actually EAT the food you make for your family!" She looked questioningly at the deformed chunks of partially cooked, buttery dough, and lumps of cripsy bread from where the dough had fallnen through the wires of the toaster oven. "I don't trust HALF the food you make for them."
"Well," I begin, shrugging my shoulders, "They don't have to know all the things I put in their food. I just want to use things up so I have more room for my diet foods!"
"You are so smart!" Ana giggles, kissing my forehead, "I'm proud of you. You are so strong."
"Thank you!" I smile at her, "Besides... they don't care what they're eating. They just keep buying more, and more, and more more more more!"
"Ugh." She sighs. "I know. I cannot believe how many different packages of full-fat sausages you've found and cooked for your family!"
"Gross, huh?" I wrinkle my nose in disgust. "They always get these things on sale. Buy one get one free! Buy the name brand get the store brand 50% off! Free custom coupons at the check out!"
"Hey, Hey, Hey!" She puts a hand up to stop me. "You like it when you get free diet foods."
"True." I admit. "I like it when I get things I'll be able to eat."
We laugh together as a prepare a new batch of biscuits and put the ugly ones in a bowl to use later. I prepare the rest of breakfast, and go up to my room to eat a 90 Calorie Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter snack bar in peace. I walk down stairs and grab a drink. I mean to get a Propel Zero, but accidentally drink a regular one with 10 Calories before Ana or I notice.
"Ah!" I shriek as I look more closely at the bottle, "Damn it! This is regular! it has 10 Calories I didn't plan for! Screw it. Now I can't eat a cup of sugar free Jello for dinner when my mom comes home!"
"Its okay darling." Ana says, trying to calm me down, "The limit for today is 100 Calories You didn't go over or anything."
"Yeah. I know." I sigh in regret. "I just hate wasting my Calories on drinks."
"Aw." She rubs my aching back, gently and soothingly. "I know. It'll be okay though. Its okay."
"From now on," I resolve, "I'm gonna be extra careful about drinks. Only 0 Calorie drinks until I finish ABC at least. Maybe then I'll let myself have coffee again."
My own family was beginning to get suspicious that I wasn't eating enough, but I always had a good excuse. "I ate at school." "We went through a drive through during Driver's Ed." "I ate before you got home from work." "I'll eat in just a minute. Let me take a plate of food to Dad." "I hate _________! (doughnuts, burgers, milkshakes, french fries, etc." "___________ makes me feel sick." "I feel nauseated. (You would be surprised how much this one works! I have a disease that causes constant nausea though... So it is perfect!)" I tried to eat as much as possible in front of my mom. Especially on lower calorie days when there aren't enough calories to take a Weight Watchers/ Lean Cuisine/ Healthy Choice/ Kashi/ Morning Star/ Lean Pockets Microwave item to school. I bought sugar free Jello, Propel Zero, and Diet Mountain Dew. My addiction to coffee turned into an addiction to Diet Mountain Dew because it has 0 Calories but still plenty of caffeine.
Valentine's Day came and passed. I told my boyfriend not to get me anything edible. He obeyed like a good little dog. <3 He bought me a beautiful red rose, and a stuffed Skelanimals Cat. I got him 1 of each of the flavors of Bi-Lo brand Poptarts. He loves Poptarts whether or not they're name brand, and he told me not to spend any money on him. I got them on a really good sale though. He forgave me. I made a million cake truffles to give to my friends and teachers. I know I'm a kiss-ass. Tell me something I don't know. I still have tons of them sitting in my freezer. I think I'm going to try and sell them. A little extra money never hurt anyone... I think....
This morning I woke up at 5:30 am. I really don't want to be awake this early. So I go back to sleep and wake up at 7-ish. I get up and I have a plan for making breakfast for my family. Cooking has become my chore, so I have actual use for my obsession with cooking things and giving them to other people to eat. I am making chicken biscuits for my family when I realize that I didn't put the biscuits on a plate! I just put them in the toaster oven! Oh god! I'm such an idiot! I think, and then say allowed, "This is a huge mess!"
"Don't worry about it sweetheart!" the familiar voice of Ana whispers in my ear, "You will think of some way to feed that mangled mess to your family anyway. You always do."
I laugh aloud, "That's true. I hate wasting food, and I love getting rid of food from the pantry and freezer that's been there for a while and forgotten."
"And its a good thing you are on ABC and don't actually EAT the food you make for your family!" She looked questioningly at the deformed chunks of partially cooked, buttery dough, and lumps of cripsy bread from where the dough had fallnen through the wires of the toaster oven. "I don't trust HALF the food you make for them."
"Well," I begin, shrugging my shoulders, "They don't have to know all the things I put in their food. I just want to use things up so I have more room for my diet foods!"
"You are so smart!" Ana giggles, kissing my forehead, "I'm proud of you. You are so strong."
"Thank you!" I smile at her, "Besides... they don't care what they're eating. They just keep buying more, and more, and more more more more!"
"Ugh." She sighs. "I know. I cannot believe how many different packages of full-fat sausages you've found and cooked for your family!"
"Gross, huh?" I wrinkle my nose in disgust. "They always get these things on sale. Buy one get one free! Buy the name brand get the store brand 50% off! Free custom coupons at the check out!"
"Hey, Hey, Hey!" She puts a hand up to stop me. "You like it when you get free diet foods."
"True." I admit. "I like it when I get things I'll be able to eat."
We laugh together as a prepare a new batch of biscuits and put the ugly ones in a bowl to use later. I prepare the rest of breakfast, and go up to my room to eat a 90 Calorie Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter snack bar in peace. I walk down stairs and grab a drink. I mean to get a Propel Zero, but accidentally drink a regular one with 10 Calories before Ana or I notice.
"Ah!" I shriek as I look more closely at the bottle, "Damn it! This is regular! it has 10 Calories I didn't plan for! Screw it. Now I can't eat a cup of sugar free Jello for dinner when my mom comes home!"
"Its okay darling." Ana says, trying to calm me down, "The limit for today is 100 Calories You didn't go over or anything."
"Yeah. I know." I sigh in regret. "I just hate wasting my Calories on drinks."
"Aw." She rubs my aching back, gently and soothingly. "I know. It'll be okay though. Its okay."
"From now on," I resolve, "I'm gonna be extra careful about drinks. Only 0 Calorie drinks until I finish ABC at least. Maybe then I'll let myself have coffee again."
Saturday, January 29, 2011
ABCDiet Jour Six
7:40 in the morning. On a Saturday. When I've been sick. Why the hell did I wake up so early? Let's see, I got 8+ hours of sleep last night, plus all that sleep I got during the day... but why? OMG I have to go to the bathroom!
I am walking out the door when a voice stops me. "Large Coke Zero caught up to ya, love?" Ana is laughing. "I don't think you're dehydrated anymore."
"Ha, Ha." I mutter sarcastically. "Yeah, I'll be right back. Then we'll hit the scales."
"If only we could hit the gym today." Ana sighs as I walk across the hall to the bathroom. "You really need to get your driver's license."
A few minutes later we have relocated from my bathroom to my mom's bathroom where the scale is.
"Congratulations!" Ana pats my back briefly, "1.2 pounds lost instead of the usual solid 1!"
"I know!" I grin at her as I look up from the screen. "I'm pretty proud of that."
"Who knows though," Ana looks at the huge number on the little red box, "maybe you could have lost 2 whole pounds if you had drunk green tea."
Soon, we are in the kitchen, and I am opening the pantry. I reach to the top shelf, and pull down a mixed box of Special K snack bars. I look through the box trying to decide which flavor to eat. Ana is sitting on the counter as usual kicking her feet back and forth. I pull out the chocolate pretzel flavor. I look over it, and decide I am getting tired of chocolatey breakfasts. I slide it pack into the box, and pull out a strawberry one. Strawberry is just to typical. It's good, but I don't really want strawberry. As I put it back I notice an orange colored wrapper, and take it from the box. Peach berry!
"That looks un-boring." Ana looks at me helpfully.
"Yeah." I shrug and put the rest of the box back on the top shelf. "I think I'll eat this one."
"That's pretty good." Ana says as she slides off the counter, "90 Calories."
A few hours later, I am back in the kitchen. I have done calculations and figure If I eat a bunch at lunch (he he that rhymes!) then my parents won't notice that I'm not eating. I open the refrigerator and Ana hands me the box of eggs. "1 egg is only 70 calories!" She smiles, "Plus it's got a lot of protein."
"And that will keep me feeling full right?" I take an egg out of the carton and hand the rest back to her.
"Exactly." She has her head back in the fridge, then she closes the door and hands me a bag of baby spinach. "This will help keep you full too. 25 Calories for 2 cups, and lots of fiber and antioxidants."
I reach into the cupboard and pull out a large square plate. I grab the fat free, 0 Calorie olive oil cooking spray and spritz the plate before I crack the egg into it, stir it a little and put it in the microwave. Next, I find a measuring cup and get exactly 1 serving: 2 cups of the dark green leaves. The microwaves beeps that it has finished cooking, and I open the door and sprinkle some of the leaves onto it.
"It still needs something." I say looking at my egg sadly. "Any ideas?"
Once again, Ana dives into the fridge, and pulls out a canister of powdered Parmesan cheese. "1 teaspoon is 10 calories!" She offers the container to me and adds, "It'll probably satisfy your cheese craving from last night as well."
"That's true." I admit, "I wish regular cheese had fewer Calories."
"That would be nice." Ana smirks at me and says, "I was afraid you were going to binge on those cheese-stuffed bread sticks from school."
"What?" I say in mock-innocence, "I have broken up with Bosco Sticks!"
"Well," She rolls her eyes, "That's what you said last time."
"Hey now," I say in fake offense, "Gimme a break. I haven't eaten them all semester."
"Yeah..." once again, she rolls her eyes. "All 2 weeks of it?"
I take a teaspoon out of the silverware drawer and measure out 1 teaspoon of cheese. I sprinkle some onto the egg, and put the rest on the leftover spinach. Next, I grab the pepper grinder and put pepper on both the egg and extra spinach. I decide to eat the egg first. I fold it in half taco-style and walk into the room where my mom is checking the email on her laptop. I make sure that my mom, dad, and sisters see me eating my omelet-taco.
"Good girl!" Ana praises my little charade, "Now they'll think you are eating a lot!"
"That was the plan." I say taking the last bite of my food. "Now for the salad."
"No dressing." Ana warns, "Especially not ranch."
"I know!" I look at the bottle in the fridge disgustedly. "Its so fatty!"
"And you are what you eat." Ana chides, "So don't eat fatty things unless you want to be a fatty."
I close the refrigerator door again, unable to find any sort of dressing under 5 Calories. I look around the kitchen and an I idea occurs to me. I pick up the olive oil spray again, and spray the top layer of leaves. I use my fork to stir it all around. Not only will the oil moisten the leaves, but it will stick the cheese and pepper to them as well.
"What's with you and olive oil today?" Ana looks at me surprised.
"Well, the Italians eat lots of olive oil," I say innocently, "And the Italians live forever. They never die, they just shrink into little rasin-sized people and run the mafia."
Ana looks at me, unsure of what to think, then bursts out laughing. "You," She says, still laughing, "You should be an entertainer."
"That's the idea." I say, "I want to be a singer and an actress."
""Well, love," She whispers, wrapping her thin, beautiful arms around me, "I will help you become thin and beautiful enough to make your dreams come true."
"I hope you're right." I sigh, and walk into the living room again to call attention to my salad-eating.
As soon as I sit down next to the older of my younger sisters, she looks at me and says, "God, Kerry! You're such a fatty! You've been eating all day!"
"Don't be rude." My mother scolds her, then turns to me, "Kerry is that olive oil on your salad?"
"Yep!" I smile pleased that I have thoroughly made them notice my food, "Its really good actually."
I am walking out the door when a voice stops me. "Large Coke Zero caught up to ya, love?" Ana is laughing. "I don't think you're dehydrated anymore."
"Ha, Ha." I mutter sarcastically. "Yeah, I'll be right back. Then we'll hit the scales."
"If only we could hit the gym today." Ana sighs as I walk across the hall to the bathroom. "You really need to get your driver's license."
A few minutes later we have relocated from my bathroom to my mom's bathroom where the scale is.
"Congratulations!" Ana pats my back briefly, "1.2 pounds lost instead of the usual solid 1!"
"I know!" I grin at her as I look up from the screen. "I'm pretty proud of that."
"Who knows though," Ana looks at the huge number on the little red box, "maybe you could have lost 2 whole pounds if you had drunk green tea."
Soon, we are in the kitchen, and I am opening the pantry. I reach to the top shelf, and pull down a mixed box of Special K snack bars. I look through the box trying to decide which flavor to eat. Ana is sitting on the counter as usual kicking her feet back and forth. I pull out the chocolate pretzel flavor. I look over it, and decide I am getting tired of chocolatey breakfasts. I slide it pack into the box, and pull out a strawberry one. Strawberry is just to typical. It's good, but I don't really want strawberry. As I put it back I notice an orange colored wrapper, and take it from the box. Peach berry!
"That looks un-boring." Ana looks at me helpfully.
"Yeah." I shrug and put the rest of the box back on the top shelf. "I think I'll eat this one."
"That's pretty good." Ana says as she slides off the counter, "90 Calories."
A few hours later, I am back in the kitchen. I have done calculations and figure If I eat a bunch at lunch (he he that rhymes!) then my parents won't notice that I'm not eating. I open the refrigerator and Ana hands me the box of eggs. "1 egg is only 70 calories!" She smiles, "Plus it's got a lot of protein."
"And that will keep me feeling full right?" I take an egg out of the carton and hand the rest back to her.
"Exactly." She has her head back in the fridge, then she closes the door and hands me a bag of baby spinach. "This will help keep you full too. 25 Calories for 2 cups, and lots of fiber and antioxidants."
I reach into the cupboard and pull out a large square plate. I grab the fat free, 0 Calorie olive oil cooking spray and spritz the plate before I crack the egg into it, stir it a little and put it in the microwave. Next, I find a measuring cup and get exactly 1 serving: 2 cups of the dark green leaves. The microwaves beeps that it has finished cooking, and I open the door and sprinkle some of the leaves onto it.
"It still needs something." I say looking at my egg sadly. "Any ideas?"
Once again, Ana dives into the fridge, and pulls out a canister of powdered Parmesan cheese. "1 teaspoon is 10 calories!" She offers the container to me and adds, "It'll probably satisfy your cheese craving from last night as well."
"That's true." I admit, "I wish regular cheese had fewer Calories."
"That would be nice." Ana smirks at me and says, "I was afraid you were going to binge on those cheese-stuffed bread sticks from school."
"What?" I say in mock-innocence, "I have broken up with Bosco Sticks!"
"Well," She rolls her eyes, "That's what you said last time."
"Hey now," I say in fake offense, "Gimme a break. I haven't eaten them all semester."
"Yeah..." once again, she rolls her eyes. "All 2 weeks of it?"
I take a teaspoon out of the silverware drawer and measure out 1 teaspoon of cheese. I sprinkle some onto the egg, and put the rest on the leftover spinach. Next, I grab the pepper grinder and put pepper on both the egg and extra spinach. I decide to eat the egg first. I fold it in half taco-style and walk into the room where my mom is checking the email on her laptop. I make sure that my mom, dad, and sisters see me eating my omelet-taco.
"Good girl!" Ana praises my little charade, "Now they'll think you are eating a lot!"
"That was the plan." I say taking the last bite of my food. "Now for the salad."
"No dressing." Ana warns, "Especially not ranch."
"I know!" I look at the bottle in the fridge disgustedly. "Its so fatty!"
"And you are what you eat." Ana chides, "So don't eat fatty things unless you want to be a fatty."
I close the refrigerator door again, unable to find any sort of dressing under 5 Calories. I look around the kitchen and an I idea occurs to me. I pick up the olive oil spray again, and spray the top layer of leaves. I use my fork to stir it all around. Not only will the oil moisten the leaves, but it will stick the cheese and pepper to them as well.
"What's with you and olive oil today?" Ana looks at me surprised.
"Well, the Italians eat lots of olive oil," I say innocently, "And the Italians live forever. They never die, they just shrink into little rasin-sized people and run the mafia."
Ana looks at me, unsure of what to think, then bursts out laughing. "You," She says, still laughing, "You should be an entertainer."
"That's the idea." I say, "I want to be a singer and an actress."
""Well, love," She whispers, wrapping her thin, beautiful arms around me, "I will help you become thin and beautiful enough to make your dreams come true."
"I hope you're right." I sigh, and walk into the living room again to call attention to my salad-eating.
As soon as I sit down next to the older of my younger sisters, she looks at me and says, "God, Kerry! You're such a fatty! You've been eating all day!"
"Don't be rude." My mother scolds her, then turns to me, "Kerry is that olive oil on your salad?"
"Yep!" I smile pleased that I have thoroughly made them notice my food, "Its really good actually."
| "Barvo!" Ana says to me, "Or should I say: Très bien! Oui. Vous préférez le français." I giggle a little bit at Ana and thankfully my family doesn't notice. |
ABCDiet Jour Cinq
I am not feeling well once again. I sleep through my sisters leaving for school, I sleep through breakfast, I sleep until 12:30ish in the afternoon. As I try to stand, I am dizzier than ever. My throat is parched so badly I can barely breathe. I am running a fever again, and my head and chest ache. I make my way downstairs carefully so I don't fall or pass out. One hand is gripping the stair railing, and the other arm is around Ana's shoulder as she helps me to the kitchen. She hands me a Triple Chocolate Vitamuffin, and smiles.
"Here, darling." She unwraps the pastry for me as I sink into a chair, feeling very dizzy and nauseated. "You only get 100 calories today, so best eat them halfway through the day."
"But Ana," I question her, "I haven't weighed myself."
"You can weigh yourself while this chocolate thing is cooking, love." She smiles gently and reassuringly. "Here, I'll help you to the bathroom without falling. Just put this in the microwave."
I nod, and stand up slowly and carefully as to not trigger my vertigo. I open the door and put the muffin on a paper towel then inside the microwave and shut the door. I punch in 30 seconds and press start. I turn to Ana, and she holds my arm gently as I walk to my mother's bathroom where the scale is. I strip down and step on to the little, white, plastic square.
"I lost 1 lb." I say to her, still staring down at the red screen. "How predictable."
"Think about it this way sweetie," she look me in the eye as she talks, "If you loose 1lb. everyday you're on the diet, you'll have lost 50 lbs. in 50 days!"
"Well, Ana," I look at her and smile, "I have lost an extra 4 oz. on top of the 1 lb. every day!"
"That's true darling!" She grins and laughs a bit. "Maybe you'll wind up losing 51."
We walk back to the kitchen where the Vitamuffin has finished cooking. As I eat it, I can't help but think that it is too sweet without a drink to go with it. As if she has read my mind, which she basically has, Ana gets a plastic cup from the cabinet and pours me a cup of cold water. Gratefully, I drain it almost immediately and she refills it for me. By the time I have finished eating, I have emptied 3 tall glasses of cold water.
"Sweetheart," Ana looks at me with concern in her eyes, "I think you're dehydrated."
"Yeah." I sigh. "Probably."
She hands me the 4th cup of water and I drink half of it before I look up at her and say, "You know what I want?" I pause only long enough to take a breath and then continue. "Coke Zero. I haven't had it in a while, and its 0 Calories."
She laughs in agreement, and then herds me up the stairs again. "You need your sleep, dear."
I notice again how tired I am. I nod and climb into bed where I sleep for another 4 hours.
When I wake up again, My 2 little sisters want me to watch National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets with them. I agree, because believe it or not, I still haven't seen it. As I walk down stairs again, I notice that I am not quite so dizzy as this morning.
Ana, I complain mentally, I feel hungry. I don't want to break the ABCDiet though! But its so awful!
"Make some popcorn." She replies with a shrug.
But, Ana, I reply in shock, I've already had 100 Calories!
"You're not going to eat it, silly!" She giggles at my apparent foolishness. "You're going to give it to your sisters. You're just going to smell it."
Oh, I think, That's easy enough.
I stumble into the kitchen and grab 2 bags of extra butter popcorn. I cook them 1 at a time, and empty them into the big metal popcorn bowls. I take them into the living room to watch the movie, and give my offerings to my sisters. When the movie, which was very good by the way, is over, I slowly stand up and recollect the bowls from the girls and drop them off at the kitchen sink. I remember what Ana told me earlier, and decide to cook something else for them. I reach into the pantry and pull out a chocolate chip muffin mix and a cocoa chocolate chip muffin mix, each of which only makes 6 muffins. They both only direct you to add a 1/2 cup of water, and soon, I have both in the oven, cooking. They are ready in about 10 minutes, and I take them out and set them on a rack to cool for a bit. My impatience gets the best of me, and I decide to pull them out of the tray without cooling. I give 2 of each kind to my little sisters, and leave one of each for my mom and dad. As I walk into the living room where my sisters are still vegetating on the couch, I hand them the plate of muffins, and my phone begins to rings. Its Mom.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Kerry!" I hear her cheerful voice on the other end of the line. "Your father and I are stopping by Chick-fil-a in the way home. Would you or your sisters like anything?"
I turn to the girls and repeat my mom's question, and then give their orders.
"What about you, Kerrykinz?" My mom says expectantly, "Don't you want anything?"
"Actually," I lie to her, "I just ate some chicken noodle soup and muffins."
"Are you sure?" She questions my resolve. "Do you want french fries or a chicken sandwich?"
Yes! I think to myself, Get me one of everything on the menu! But I say, "No, mom." I laugh. "I'm fine."
"What about your Coke Zero?" Ana whispers in my ear, "Then your mom won't think anything weird is going on."
"What about a Chicken Cesar Salad or a Crunchy Chicken Cool Wrap?" My mom is trying to make sure I don't change my mind when she comes home, and complain about being left out.
"Oh, " I interrupt her as if the thought has just occurred to me, "Could you get me a Coke Zero with mo ice?"
"Sure!" My mom says, clearly relieved that I am at least ordering something. "I'll get you a large."
As soon as they get home, my dad brings the drink to me, and I drink it all in about 2 minutes. I get in the shower and then as I climb into bed, I look at Ana. She is sitting cross-legged at the foot of my bed.
"I think I was right about you being dehydrated." She shakes her head. "You downed that thing like it was nothing."
"Well it didn't have any Calories," I reason with her, "So I'm not worried."
"You should drink some tea." She gives me that look that my elementary school teachers used to give me when I was doing something wrong.
"I didn't want anything hot." I tell her. "And I didn't want to burn my hand again."
"That's understandable." She sighs, and uncrosses her legs, crawling forward. She tucks the 7 layers of blankets around me and kisses my forehead. "Sleep tight." She whispers. I have already fallen asleep before she slides back to the other end.
"Here, darling." She unwraps the pastry for me as I sink into a chair, feeling very dizzy and nauseated. "You only get 100 calories today, so best eat them halfway through the day."
"But Ana," I question her, "I haven't weighed myself."
"You can weigh yourself while this chocolate thing is cooking, love." She smiles gently and reassuringly. "Here, I'll help you to the bathroom without falling. Just put this in the microwave."
I nod, and stand up slowly and carefully as to not trigger my vertigo. I open the door and put the muffin on a paper towel then inside the microwave and shut the door. I punch in 30 seconds and press start. I turn to Ana, and she holds my arm gently as I walk to my mother's bathroom where the scale is. I strip down and step on to the little, white, plastic square.
"I lost 1 lb." I say to her, still staring down at the red screen. "How predictable."
"Think about it this way sweetie," she look me in the eye as she talks, "If you loose 1lb. everyday you're on the diet, you'll have lost 50 lbs. in 50 days!"
"Well, Ana," I look at her and smile, "I have lost an extra 4 oz. on top of the 1 lb. every day!"
"That's true darling!" She grins and laughs a bit. "Maybe you'll wind up losing 51."
We walk back to the kitchen where the Vitamuffin has finished cooking. As I eat it, I can't help but think that it is too sweet without a drink to go with it. As if she has read my mind, which she basically has, Ana gets a plastic cup from the cabinet and pours me a cup of cold water. Gratefully, I drain it almost immediately and she refills it for me. By the time I have finished eating, I have emptied 3 tall glasses of cold water.
"Sweetheart," Ana looks at me with concern in her eyes, "I think you're dehydrated."
"Yeah." I sigh. "Probably."
She hands me the 4th cup of water and I drink half of it before I look up at her and say, "You know what I want?" I pause only long enough to take a breath and then continue. "Coke Zero. I haven't had it in a while, and its 0 Calories."
She laughs in agreement, and then herds me up the stairs again. "You need your sleep, dear."
I notice again how tired I am. I nod and climb into bed where I sleep for another 4 hours.
When I wake up again, My 2 little sisters want me to watch National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets with them. I agree, because believe it or not, I still haven't seen it. As I walk down stairs again, I notice that I am not quite so dizzy as this morning.
Ana, I complain mentally, I feel hungry. I don't want to break the ABCDiet though! But its so awful!
"Make some popcorn." She replies with a shrug.
But, Ana, I reply in shock, I've already had 100 Calories!
"You're not going to eat it, silly!" She giggles at my apparent foolishness. "You're going to give it to your sisters. You're just going to smell it."
Oh, I think, That's easy enough.
I stumble into the kitchen and grab 2 bags of extra butter popcorn. I cook them 1 at a time, and empty them into the big metal popcorn bowls. I take them into the living room to watch the movie, and give my offerings to my sisters. When the movie, which was very good by the way, is over, I slowly stand up and recollect the bowls from the girls and drop them off at the kitchen sink. I remember what Ana told me earlier, and decide to cook something else for them. I reach into the pantry and pull out a chocolate chip muffin mix and a cocoa chocolate chip muffin mix, each of which only makes 6 muffins. They both only direct you to add a 1/2 cup of water, and soon, I have both in the oven, cooking. They are ready in about 10 minutes, and I take them out and set them on a rack to cool for a bit. My impatience gets the best of me, and I decide to pull them out of the tray without cooling. I give 2 of each kind to my little sisters, and leave one of each for my mom and dad. As I walk into the living room where my sisters are still vegetating on the couch, I hand them the plate of muffins, and my phone begins to rings. Its Mom.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Kerry!" I hear her cheerful voice on the other end of the line. "Your father and I are stopping by Chick-fil-a in the way home. Would you or your sisters like anything?"
I turn to the girls and repeat my mom's question, and then give their orders.
"What about you, Kerrykinz?" My mom says expectantly, "Don't you want anything?"
"Actually," I lie to her, "I just ate some chicken noodle soup and muffins."
"Are you sure?" She questions my resolve. "Do you want french fries or a chicken sandwich?"
Yes! I think to myself, Get me one of everything on the menu! But I say, "No, mom." I laugh. "I'm fine."
"What about your Coke Zero?" Ana whispers in my ear, "Then your mom won't think anything weird is going on."
"What about a Chicken Cesar Salad or a Crunchy Chicken Cool Wrap?" My mom is trying to make sure I don't change my mind when she comes home, and complain about being left out.
"Oh, " I interrupt her as if the thought has just occurred to me, "Could you get me a Coke Zero with mo ice?"
"Sure!" My mom says, clearly relieved that I am at least ordering something. "I'll get you a large."
As soon as they get home, my dad brings the drink to me, and I drink it all in about 2 minutes. I get in the shower and then as I climb into bed, I look at Ana. She is sitting cross-legged at the foot of my bed.
"I think I was right about you being dehydrated." She shakes her head. "You downed that thing like it was nothing."
"Well it didn't have any Calories," I reason with her, "So I'm not worried."
"You should drink some tea." She gives me that look that my elementary school teachers used to give me when I was doing something wrong.
"I didn't want anything hot." I tell her. "And I didn't want to burn my hand again."
"That's understandable." She sighs, and uncrosses her legs, crawling forward. She tucks the 7 layers of blankets around me and kisses my forehead. "Sleep tight." She whispers. I have already fallen asleep before she slides back to the other end.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
ABCDiet Jour Quatre
I don't know what time it is. Honestly, I don't care as long as I can make it 2nd Period and then I can leave and go back to sleep. I finally look as the clock. I have about an hour and a half before it starts.
"Ana," I close my eyes and let my head sink back onto my pillow, "What's my Calorie limit for today?"
She strokes my tired, feverish forehead gently, the coldness of her fingers bringing relief to my head though the rest of my body is freezing under 7 blankets. "400, darling." She smiles at me and then adds, "Get up. I thought you didn't want to miss P.E."
"Yeah, that's right." I mutter, "Too bad we aren't going to be getting much exercise. But if I miss a day of P.E. I can't get certified for CPR. "
"At least you'll be walking to class," She pulls the covers off me as a gesture for me to stand, "And climbing all those stairs."
I walk downstairs and begin planning out my meals for today in my head. Ana follows me as we make our way to the scale in my mom's bathroom. Once again, I have lost only 1 pound.
"I don't get it!" I am practically in tears. "I drank so much green tea I could have thrown up, exploded, or both!" I sink on to my heels and hold my head in my hands.
"Its okay, sweetie." She pats my back, clearly frustrated with my lack of significant progress as well. "It must be that you're spending so much time in bead because you're sick. Once you've gotten better, I'm sure you'll lose plenty."
"I hope so," I sniff, "Because this is ridiculous. . . at least I'm not unbearably hungry."
I go to school for an hour and then I am home once more. I walk to the freezer in the garage where a lot of my diet food is stored. I remember what I said to Ana yesterday, and I pull out a pumpkin Vitamin muffin. It is far to cold outside so we don't stand around for long, just long enough for me to check the labels on all of my Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, and Healthy Choice meals. We make our way to the kitchen and put the muffin in the microwave for 25 seconds. I remain silent as I eat the first 100 calories of my day. I am already thinking of what I will eat for lunch.
"Well?" Ana looks at me expectantly.
"I like the pumpkin a lot!" I grin at her, popping the last bite of muffin with the most seeds on top into my mouth. "I think that the people who make the Vitamuffins are brilliant to be able to cook diet desserts that actually taste good."
"Good to know," She rolls her eyes at me, smiling. "But I was talking about what you're going to eat for lunch. Have you decided yet?"
"Well, I'm going to want a Fiber One yogurt later, and my orange gummy vitamin c's are 25 Calories, so I have to factor in ... I will only have 225 Calories left." I am licking the pumpkin crumbs off my fingers as I continue. "The closest I could find to 225 was a Weight Watchers ham and scrambled egg breakfast meal. I guess I could finish it off with a pickle. That would leave me at exactly 400 Calories."
Ana claps her hands and hugs me close to her. "I am glad to see that you came back with extra willpower and resolve!" She kisses my cheek and then reminisces. "You tried to do the ABC twice last summer and both of them failed after day 2 or 3. The longest you ever made it was day 10 your freshman year."
"Ugh." I sigh unhappily, "This time its different. This time I will finish it. I deserve it. You deserve it. and Jonney deserves it."
"Hmm..." Ana raises an eyebrow as her arms slip off of my shoulders. "There's a name you've been avoiding for a while." She notices the obvious pain on my face at the words and quickly adds, "Talk to me, Kerry."
"I'm not sure if he still loves me." I whisper. "He takes so much longer to reply to my messages, he didn't call at all last night, and he doesn't smile around me as much."
"Well love," She sends me a piteous half-smile, "Jonney is very touchy-feeley. I'm not saying that's a bad thing,"She laughs softly to herself, "But you've been gone, so he hasn't gotten to see you, in several days. Plus, Don't you think he'd rather have a thin girlfriend?"
"I KNOW he does. He'd never admit it to me though." I sigh audibly. "I just keep having weird feelings for an old friend of mine who I treated extremely badly right before he stopped talking to me. Now he won't even give me the time of day. I want to starve myself partially to punish myself for crushing his heart into a million pieces like that. I KNEW he liked me. I KNEW he cared about me, and I still messed around with his head. Ana, why am I such a bitch sometimes?"
"It'll be okay, Kerbear." She pulls my head towards herself and let me cry in her tiny, delicate, beautiful arms. "Jonney acts like he doesn't want you losing weight." She snorts in an annoyed fashion. Obviously, she disagrees. "If he decides that he doesn't like the thin you, then its obvious that he wasn't right for you. maybe then this old friend of yours would take you back. He liked you when you were your thinnest. He'd probably like you again. For now, why don't you take some pain-killers for that migraine and go to sleep."
I hadn't noticed how much worse my headache had gotten until she mentioned it. I go to sleep for an hour or so until I wake up so thirsty I could drink an entire bathtub full of tea. I walk downstairs and put some water in the microwave to boil. Once I have shut the door I turn to where Ana is sitting on the kitchen counter reading my horoscope.
"It says you feel strongly attracted to people who are... lets see both their birthdays are in early May so that fits." She looks up at me proud of her little discovery. "Its your celestial destiny to be torn between the two of them babygirl. Good thing I love you more than either of them ever will, because I want to help you become the prettiest you can be, and the two of them only ever quarrel and brake your heart."
I know she is right, and so we lay that issue to rest. The microwave beeps and as I am taking the boiling water out, My migraine returns with a pang, messing up my balance and I sway a bit, catching myself, but spilling the burning liquid on my arm and hand. I scream and drop the glass on the floor. This startles Ana and she looks around frantically for my phone. She dials my mother's number and shoves the phone into my good hand. We run to the bathroom and start running cold water over my arm and hand as the phone rings for what seems like an eternity. Finally my mom answers her cell, and the sobs I finally cough up the sobs have been holding back to join the tears which are streaming down my face.
"Kerry?" My mom says, "What's wrong? Are you okay? Have your chest pains gotten worse?"
I try to tell her that I have burned myself but she cannot understand me. I get myself enough under control to tell her what is wrong, and soon she has left work, grabbed burn pads, and it rushing in the door. We bandage up my hand, and all that is left in me are dry sobs because I have run out of tears to cry.
"I guess I'll have to reschedule your driving practice for Driver's Ed." I know she is trying to be funny, and as much as I don't want to laugh, I knew she would say something like that, and so a laugh bubbles up to replace the sobs from moments before. She smiles, relieved that I am finally in a bit of a better mood, even though my hand is bandaged like Jack Sparrow's in POTC2... only with medicated gel burn pads underneath. She walks to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of painkillers left over from my wisdom teeth extraction a few months ago.
"You have to take those on an empty stomach." Ana whispers to me, "Good thing you're stomach is empty by now. Those things also knock you out and suppress your appetite."
Yeah, I remember. I think at her, Guess I'll be out for the rest of the day and I won't be getting any exercise.
We both sigh, but know I'm right. I just wish I didn't have to be. At least now I'll have several excuses not to eat, and excuses to give people for why I am losing weight so quickly again.
"Ana," I close my eyes and let my head sink back onto my pillow, "What's my Calorie limit for today?"
She strokes my tired, feverish forehead gently, the coldness of her fingers bringing relief to my head though the rest of my body is freezing under 7 blankets. "400, darling." She smiles at me and then adds, "Get up. I thought you didn't want to miss P.E."
"Yeah, that's right." I mutter, "Too bad we aren't going to be getting much exercise. But if I miss a day of P.E. I can't get certified for CPR. "
"At least you'll be walking to class," She pulls the covers off me as a gesture for me to stand, "And climbing all those stairs."
I walk downstairs and begin planning out my meals for today in my head. Ana follows me as we make our way to the scale in my mom's bathroom. Once again, I have lost only 1 pound.
"I don't get it!" I am practically in tears. "I drank so much green tea I could have thrown up, exploded, or both!" I sink on to my heels and hold my head in my hands.
"Its okay, sweetie." She pats my back, clearly frustrated with my lack of significant progress as well. "It must be that you're spending so much time in bead because you're sick. Once you've gotten better, I'm sure you'll lose plenty."
"I hope so," I sniff, "Because this is ridiculous. . . at least I'm not unbearably hungry."
I go to school for an hour and then I am home once more. I walk to the freezer in the garage where a lot of my diet food is stored. I remember what I said to Ana yesterday, and I pull out a pumpkin Vitamin muffin. It is far to cold outside so we don't stand around for long, just long enough for me to check the labels on all of my Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, and Healthy Choice meals. We make our way to the kitchen and put the muffin in the microwave for 25 seconds. I remain silent as I eat the first 100 calories of my day. I am already thinking of what I will eat for lunch.
"Well?" Ana looks at me expectantly.
"I like the pumpkin a lot!" I grin at her, popping the last bite of muffin with the most seeds on top into my mouth. "I think that the people who make the Vitamuffins are brilliant to be able to cook diet desserts that actually taste good."
"Good to know," She rolls her eyes at me, smiling. "But I was talking about what you're going to eat for lunch. Have you decided yet?"
"Well, I'm going to want a Fiber One yogurt later, and my orange gummy vitamin c's are 25 Calories, so I have to factor in ... I will only have 225 Calories left." I am licking the pumpkin crumbs off my fingers as I continue. "The closest I could find to 225 was a Weight Watchers ham and scrambled egg breakfast meal. I guess I could finish it off with a pickle. That would leave me at exactly 400 Calories."
Ana claps her hands and hugs me close to her. "I am glad to see that you came back with extra willpower and resolve!" She kisses my cheek and then reminisces. "You tried to do the ABC twice last summer and both of them failed after day 2 or 3. The longest you ever made it was day 10 your freshman year."
"Ugh." I sigh unhappily, "This time its different. This time I will finish it. I deserve it. You deserve it. and Jonney deserves it."
"Hmm..." Ana raises an eyebrow as her arms slip off of my shoulders. "There's a name you've been avoiding for a while." She notices the obvious pain on my face at the words and quickly adds, "Talk to me, Kerry."
"I'm not sure if he still loves me." I whisper. "He takes so much longer to reply to my messages, he didn't call at all last night, and he doesn't smile around me as much."
"Well love," She sends me a piteous half-smile, "Jonney is very touchy-feeley. I'm not saying that's a bad thing,"She laughs softly to herself, "But you've been gone, so he hasn't gotten to see you, in several days. Plus, Don't you think he'd rather have a thin girlfriend?"
"I KNOW he does. He'd never admit it to me though." I sigh audibly. "I just keep having weird feelings for an old friend of mine who I treated extremely badly right before he stopped talking to me. Now he won't even give me the time of day. I want to starve myself partially to punish myself for crushing his heart into a million pieces like that. I KNEW he liked me. I KNEW he cared about me, and I still messed around with his head. Ana, why am I such a bitch sometimes?"
"It'll be okay, Kerbear." She pulls my head towards herself and let me cry in her tiny, delicate, beautiful arms. "Jonney acts like he doesn't want you losing weight." She snorts in an annoyed fashion. Obviously, she disagrees. "If he decides that he doesn't like the thin you, then its obvious that he wasn't right for you. maybe then this old friend of yours would take you back. He liked you when you were your thinnest. He'd probably like you again. For now, why don't you take some pain-killers for that migraine and go to sleep."
I hadn't noticed how much worse my headache had gotten until she mentioned it. I go to sleep for an hour or so until I wake up so thirsty I could drink an entire bathtub full of tea. I walk downstairs and put some water in the microwave to boil. Once I have shut the door I turn to where Ana is sitting on the kitchen counter reading my horoscope.
"It says you feel strongly attracted to people who are... lets see both their birthdays are in early May so that fits." She looks up at me proud of her little discovery. "Its your celestial destiny to be torn between the two of them babygirl. Good thing I love you more than either of them ever will, because I want to help you become the prettiest you can be, and the two of them only ever quarrel and brake your heart."
I know she is right, and so we lay that issue to rest. The microwave beeps and as I am taking the boiling water out, My migraine returns with a pang, messing up my balance and I sway a bit, catching myself, but spilling the burning liquid on my arm and hand. I scream and drop the glass on the floor. This startles Ana and she looks around frantically for my phone. She dials my mother's number and shoves the phone into my good hand. We run to the bathroom and start running cold water over my arm and hand as the phone rings for what seems like an eternity. Finally my mom answers her cell, and the sobs I finally cough up the sobs have been holding back to join the tears which are streaming down my face.
"Kerry?" My mom says, "What's wrong? Are you okay? Have your chest pains gotten worse?"
I try to tell her that I have burned myself but she cannot understand me. I get myself enough under control to tell her what is wrong, and soon she has left work, grabbed burn pads, and it rushing in the door. We bandage up my hand, and all that is left in me are dry sobs because I have run out of tears to cry.
"I guess I'll have to reschedule your driving practice for Driver's Ed." I know she is trying to be funny, and as much as I don't want to laugh, I knew she would say something like that, and so a laugh bubbles up to replace the sobs from moments before. She smiles, relieved that I am finally in a bit of a better mood, even though my hand is bandaged like Jack Sparrow's in POTC2... only with medicated gel burn pads underneath. She walks to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of painkillers left over from my wisdom teeth extraction a few months ago.
"You have to take those on an empty stomach." Ana whispers to me, "Good thing you're stomach is empty by now. Those things also knock you out and suppress your appetite."
Yeah, I remember. I think at her, Guess I'll be out for the rest of the day and I won't be getting any exercise.
We both sigh, but know I'm right. I just wish I didn't have to be. At least now I'll have several excuses not to eat, and excuses to give people for why I am losing weight so quickly again.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
ABCDiet Jour Trois
At around 6:00-6:30 am I begin to shift in and out of partial consciousness. At 7:10 when the girls are finally gone off to school and my mom gone to work, I get another 30 minutes of sound sleep. Judging by my older sister's usual habits the sound of running up and down the stairs must mean she didn't get up until 7:40 and has to be at her first class in 20 minutes. Again I am barely awake enough to register sounds as I turn over and wait for her to be gone so I can rest. I am not so lucky. My dad comes up the stairs and lets himself in.
Poor guy really, he was a technical expert with computers working at the university my older sister is about to graduate from this semester for about 10 years. He got deployed with the military when I was in 5th grade and had to stay there for 18 months with only a 2 week break which we all spent in Germany that Christmas. He comes back home from Iraq, and they give him back his job. When he gets orders for a second deployment when I am in 9th grade, which is rare, by the way, for Army Reservists, the university lays him off, saying they can't hold his position for him. Pardon my language, but that's bullshit. They were laying people off, and they took advantage of a good, honest army man simply because he has 4 children, and therefore he costs them more for insurance, and they keep his office mate who played computer games, checked his personal email, and never turned in projects on time because he was cheaper to keep on staff. I hate that school. Anyways, he comes back for Iraq the for 2nd time right before Thanksgiving break this year (10th grade) after serving another full-term. He has been applying for jobs but can't find one because he is older than most applicants and winds up willingly applying for another army deployment. He will find out whether he has been accepted or not this coming February, but until then, he has to sit around the house, running errands, cleaning, making his best sorry attempts to cook, and feeling useless. So any time he has anything to do, he tries to make the most of it.
Now happens to be one of those times he has some sort of a mission, and like usual, he is trying a bit to hard. "Sit up, Kerry!" He says, "You need to take some medicine."
"In a minute." I mumble, fully aware that taking medicine means drinking something, and I never eat or drink anything in the morning until I weigh myself. I fully intend to get up to weigh myself right away and then take the Tylenol or whatever he has brought me, but he does not believe me.
"Now, Kerry." He says firmly, "I don't want you to fall back asleep until you've taken it."
"Kerry...." Ana whispers in my ear, "You know you'll weigh more if you drink anything before your scale and mirror session!"
"Ugh. I know." I say aloud to both of them. Then to my dad I say, "What did you bring me to take it with?"
"Some of that Arizona Green Tea that mom brought you." He sighs, becoming impatient. "The diet kind."
"Good." Ana purrs. "At least they didn't try to pump you full of the sugary kind."
I know, right? I think to her, I love being southern and all, but they put to much sugar and fat in everything! Even tea that's supposed to be good for you.
"Kerry," Ana says, starting to sound nervous, "I don't think he's going to leave until you take it."
Dammit. I think, Why does he have to be so annoying sometimes?
"Because he loves you." Ana whispers, "And he thinks he knows what's best for you, which clearly, is wrong, because I know what's best for you."
Should I just take it then... I ask her mentally, Even though it's before I've weighed myself?
"You're going to have to, sweetie." Ana strokes my forehead, pulling back a little from the heat of my fever, "But it doesn't look like he brought very much, so it shouldn't mess up your weight too much."
Finally, I roll over and sit up, accepting the medicine and tea. I try to take the smallest sips I can, but he insists I finish the whole cup of over-sweetened liquid. I sigh and obey, too sick too complain, really. I still can't help but think that its going to screw up my weigh-in. He finally leaves and takes the little pink cup with him, and I fall asleep for another few hours.
When I finally get up around lunch time, I go to the bathroom before I weigh myself to try and get rid of the tea, which probably was still mostly there. The scale reads that I have lost 1.4 lbs. That's better, but still not good enough. I was just laying around all day yesterday, and even though I drank plenty, trust me, plenty of green tea yesterday, I only drank about 1/3 of it with Fiber Splenda. Most of what I drank was the Diet Arizona green tea, like this morning.
"Ana," I whine to the skinny girl standing next to me, "Why is it that I don't lose as much as I used to?"
"Because you don't work as hard as you used to." She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Duh!"
"Well," I begin, "What I did ABC this time last year I lost at least 2 pounds every day."
"Not on the 500 days, you didn't." She chides, "You only lost 1 on those days too."
"Oh." I glare at the insubordinate scale. "You had better start telling me better numbers."
"Don't worry sweetheart," Ana smiles, resting her chin on my shoulder and reaching around me to give me a gentle hug, "It will. I promise. It will."
I shuffle to the kitchen, unsure of what to eat. I had formed a plan for today on Monday, but unaware that i would be getting sick, I had not planned to eat any of my Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup. Clearly I would need to reorganize my meal plan for today, which I always hate doing.
"Okay Ana," I look up from my calculator to where she stands, writing in my food journal, "My lunch will be 157.5 Calories since I'm going to eat the whole can of soup which has 1 3/4 servings of soup with 90 Calories per serving."
"Not too bad." She says, "You should eat a Vitamuffin for breakfast. Go for the triple chocolate so you won't crave chocolate later."
"Yeah." I agree, "Good thing those all have 100 Calories no matter which flavor I pick. I think tomorrow I'll have pumpkin."
Ana claps her hands happily. "Wonderful! Its good for you to be planning ahead."
"I like to anyways." I shrug, "It makes me feel so in control."
"Oh Kerry, " Her face lights up like a million tiny candles, "Isn't that just a delightful feeling?"
"Absolutely." I smile at her, so happy for myself. "But what can I eat for dinner that will finnish off my calories for the day without going over?"
"Well," She looks back down at the page, legs swinging from on top of my kitchen counter, eyes scrutinizing the numbers, "You have... lets see... 42.5 Calories left."
"What on earth has 42.5 Calories?" I look at her puzzled. "I mean, I'm fine if its a little less than that, but there is no way I'm gong over."
"Good girl." She squeals happily as she jumps down from the counter, "You have such great control."
"I am shocked by the compliment, but accept it. "Now to find something I can eat."
We wander around the kitchen, staring at things, and checking nutrition labels. I am mad at my soup for not letting me have 50 calories left over, because then I could have one of my key lime Fiber One yogurts. After we have tired of looking through the pantry, we head to the refrigerator.
'You know, Ana, I don't even think I'm hungry anymore." I search her face for a reaction. "I think I could just stay under for those Calories."
"I'm sorry dear, but no." Ana says, surprising me as she opens the refrigerator door. She pulls out a bag of baby carrots, and giggles, "35 calories per serving!"
"Well," I begin, and pull the kitchen scale off the counter, "How much is a serving?"
"3 oz." She says, looking at the little orange vegetables.
I set the scale down, placing a bowl on top of the pan, and then I make sure the scale is zeroed to exclude the weight of the bowl. I watch the little arrow carefully as it creeps around to finally reach 3 oz as Ana drops the 9th carrot into the bowl.
"Viola!" Ana exclaims, "35 Calories! Bon appetite!"
"Thank you, Ana." I laugh as a begin to crunch on the veggies. As I reach the last carrot, I notice that Ana is back in the fridge. "Ana, what are you doing?"
"Trying to find something with 7.5 Calories in it." She answers me as if it the most obvious thing in the world.
"But why?" I question, "Aren't I close enough?"
"That's what I said last time." She shuts the door to look me straight in the eyes. "I am not taking any chances with you this time. You're going to get as close as you can to the limit without going over. I don't want you to feel deprived and binge." She hands over a jar of pickles and I set them on the counter next to the scale. She continues to stare at me, and then adds, "I want you to love the hunger because you know you are doing a good job, not focus on calories you could have eaten."
Somehow, her words make me feel inferior, but I know she's right. "I feel stronger this time though."
"Maybe so," She sighs, "But are you strong enough to last the whole 50 days? Last time you felt strong the first few days, but only made it to day 10."
I look at the ground, instantly ashamed. "You're right." I breathe, "As usual."
"I know." She smiles and steps forward to hold me in her tiny cold arms. "I love you."
"I love you too, Ana!" Her words bring extra comfort to me as I begin to measure out 1 1/2 servings of pickles to bring me to exactly 300 Calories. "It just seems like so much."
"Lets see if you still think that by day 11." Her words are clearly a warning to be strong, but the fact that she thinks I can break my record is inspiring and fills me with extra resolve. "Now lets fix you some tea and go back upstairs. I have a surprise for you!"
Once upstairs, I sit down on my bed and Ana pushes my baby lappity-top at me. "I downloaded an e-book of Wasted from PrettyThin for you, and look at this!" She pulls a book out from behind her back. "I got this from the library for you last night."
I take the book from her and flip it over to examine the front cover. "Wintergirls!" I exclaim happily, "I've wanted to read this for a while!"
"I know, lovely," She says, grinning a childish smile at me, "I brought it so you can distract yourself by reading it any time you are afraid you'll binge."
I am immediately engrossed in the pages and read until I fall back asleep a few hours later.
Poor guy really, he was a technical expert with computers working at the university my older sister is about to graduate from this semester for about 10 years. He got deployed with the military when I was in 5th grade and had to stay there for 18 months with only a 2 week break which we all spent in Germany that Christmas. He comes back home from Iraq, and they give him back his job. When he gets orders for a second deployment when I am in 9th grade, which is rare, by the way, for Army Reservists, the university lays him off, saying they can't hold his position for him. Pardon my language, but that's bullshit. They were laying people off, and they took advantage of a good, honest army man simply because he has 4 children, and therefore he costs them more for insurance, and they keep his office mate who played computer games, checked his personal email, and never turned in projects on time because he was cheaper to keep on staff. I hate that school. Anyways, he comes back for Iraq the for 2nd time right before Thanksgiving break this year (10th grade) after serving another full-term. He has been applying for jobs but can't find one because he is older than most applicants and winds up willingly applying for another army deployment. He will find out whether he has been accepted or not this coming February, but until then, he has to sit around the house, running errands, cleaning, making his best sorry attempts to cook, and feeling useless. So any time he has anything to do, he tries to make the most of it.
Now happens to be one of those times he has some sort of a mission, and like usual, he is trying a bit to hard. "Sit up, Kerry!" He says, "You need to take some medicine."
"In a minute." I mumble, fully aware that taking medicine means drinking something, and I never eat or drink anything in the morning until I weigh myself. I fully intend to get up to weigh myself right away and then take the Tylenol or whatever he has brought me, but he does not believe me.
"Now, Kerry." He says firmly, "I don't want you to fall back asleep until you've taken it."
"Kerry...." Ana whispers in my ear, "You know you'll weigh more if you drink anything before your scale and mirror session!"
"Ugh. I know." I say aloud to both of them. Then to my dad I say, "What did you bring me to take it with?"
"Some of that Arizona Green Tea that mom brought you." He sighs, becoming impatient. "The diet kind."
"Good." Ana purrs. "At least they didn't try to pump you full of the sugary kind."
I know, right? I think to her, I love being southern and all, but they put to much sugar and fat in everything! Even tea that's supposed to be good for you.
"Kerry," Ana says, starting to sound nervous, "I don't think he's going to leave until you take it."
Dammit. I think, Why does he have to be so annoying sometimes?
"Because he loves you." Ana whispers, "And he thinks he knows what's best for you, which clearly, is wrong, because I know what's best for you."
Should I just take it then... I ask her mentally, Even though it's before I've weighed myself?
"You're going to have to, sweetie." Ana strokes my forehead, pulling back a little from the heat of my fever, "But it doesn't look like he brought very much, so it shouldn't mess up your weight too much."
Finally, I roll over and sit up, accepting the medicine and tea. I try to take the smallest sips I can, but he insists I finish the whole cup of over-sweetened liquid. I sigh and obey, too sick too complain, really. I still can't help but think that its going to screw up my weigh-in. He finally leaves and takes the little pink cup with him, and I fall asleep for another few hours.
When I finally get up around lunch time, I go to the bathroom before I weigh myself to try and get rid of the tea, which probably was still mostly there. The scale reads that I have lost 1.4 lbs. That's better, but still not good enough. I was just laying around all day yesterday, and even though I drank plenty, trust me, plenty of green tea yesterday, I only drank about 1/3 of it with Fiber Splenda. Most of what I drank was the Diet Arizona green tea, like this morning.
"Ana," I whine to the skinny girl standing next to me, "Why is it that I don't lose as much as I used to?"
"Because you don't work as hard as you used to." She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Duh!"
"Well," I begin, "What I did ABC this time last year I lost at least 2 pounds every day."
"Not on the 500 days, you didn't." She chides, "You only lost 1 on those days too."
"Oh." I glare at the insubordinate scale. "You had better start telling me better numbers."
"Don't worry sweetheart," Ana smiles, resting her chin on my shoulder and reaching around me to give me a gentle hug, "It will. I promise. It will."
I shuffle to the kitchen, unsure of what to eat. I had formed a plan for today on Monday, but unaware that i would be getting sick, I had not planned to eat any of my Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup. Clearly I would need to reorganize my meal plan for today, which I always hate doing.
"Okay Ana," I look up from my calculator to where she stands, writing in my food journal, "My lunch will be 157.5 Calories since I'm going to eat the whole can of soup which has 1 3/4 servings of soup with 90 Calories per serving."
"Not too bad." She says, "You should eat a Vitamuffin for breakfast. Go for the triple chocolate so you won't crave chocolate later."
"Yeah." I agree, "Good thing those all have 100 Calories no matter which flavor I pick. I think tomorrow I'll have pumpkin."
Ana claps her hands happily. "Wonderful! Its good for you to be planning ahead."
"I like to anyways." I shrug, "It makes me feel so in control."
"Oh Kerry, " Her face lights up like a million tiny candles, "Isn't that just a delightful feeling?"
"Absolutely." I smile at her, so happy for myself. "But what can I eat for dinner that will finnish off my calories for the day without going over?"
"Well," She looks back down at the page, legs swinging from on top of my kitchen counter, eyes scrutinizing the numbers, "You have... lets see... 42.5 Calories left."
"What on earth has 42.5 Calories?" I look at her puzzled. "I mean, I'm fine if its a little less than that, but there is no way I'm gong over."
"Good girl." She squeals happily as she jumps down from the counter, "You have such great control."
"I am shocked by the compliment, but accept it. "Now to find something I can eat."
We wander around the kitchen, staring at things, and checking nutrition labels. I am mad at my soup for not letting me have 50 calories left over, because then I could have one of my key lime Fiber One yogurts. After we have tired of looking through the pantry, we head to the refrigerator.
'You know, Ana, I don't even think I'm hungry anymore." I search her face for a reaction. "I think I could just stay under for those Calories."
"I'm sorry dear, but no." Ana says, surprising me as she opens the refrigerator door. She pulls out a bag of baby carrots, and giggles, "35 calories per serving!"
"Well," I begin, and pull the kitchen scale off the counter, "How much is a serving?"
"3 oz." She says, looking at the little orange vegetables.
I set the scale down, placing a bowl on top of the pan, and then I make sure the scale is zeroed to exclude the weight of the bowl. I watch the little arrow carefully as it creeps around to finally reach 3 oz as Ana drops the 9th carrot into the bowl.
"Viola!" Ana exclaims, "35 Calories! Bon appetite!"
"Thank you, Ana." I laugh as a begin to crunch on the veggies. As I reach the last carrot, I notice that Ana is back in the fridge. "Ana, what are you doing?"
"Trying to find something with 7.5 Calories in it." She answers me as if it the most obvious thing in the world.
"But why?" I question, "Aren't I close enough?"
"That's what I said last time." She shuts the door to look me straight in the eyes. "I am not taking any chances with you this time. You're going to get as close as you can to the limit without going over. I don't want you to feel deprived and binge." She hands over a jar of pickles and I set them on the counter next to the scale. She continues to stare at me, and then adds, "I want you to love the hunger because you know you are doing a good job, not focus on calories you could have eaten."
Somehow, her words make me feel inferior, but I know she's right. "I feel stronger this time though."
"Maybe so," She sighs, "But are you strong enough to last the whole 50 days? Last time you felt strong the first few days, but only made it to day 10."
I look at the ground, instantly ashamed. "You're right." I breathe, "As usual."
"I know." She smiles and steps forward to hold me in her tiny cold arms. "I love you."
"I love you too, Ana!" Her words bring extra comfort to me as I begin to measure out 1 1/2 servings of pickles to bring me to exactly 300 Calories. "It just seems like so much."
"Lets see if you still think that by day 11." Her words are clearly a warning to be strong, but the fact that she thinks I can break my record is inspiring and fills me with extra resolve. "Now lets fix you some tea and go back upstairs. I have a surprise for you!"
Once upstairs, I sit down on my bed and Ana pushes my baby lappity-top at me. "I downloaded an e-book of Wasted from PrettyThin for you, and look at this!" She pulls a book out from behind her back. "I got this from the library for you last night."
I take the book from her and flip it over to examine the front cover. "Wintergirls!" I exclaim happily, "I've wanted to read this for a while!"
"I know, lovely," She says, grinning a childish smile at me, "I brought it so you can distract yourself by reading it any time you are afraid you'll binge."
I am immediately engrossed in the pages and read until I fall back asleep a few hours later.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
ABCDiet Jour Deux
I wake up in the morning, fear and panic gripping my heart so tightly I am afraid that it will shatter. I am breathing hard. A wave of disappointment crashes over my fragile mind. I can't believe what I have done! How am I going to tell Chels and Kelly that I failed? I am just like the girl I was talking about yesterday! Why do I always screw everything up?
"Kerry..." A soft voice whispers near my still closed eyes, "It was just a dream."
I sigh a breath of relief, and thoughts of remorse and guilt for a binge that never actually happened drain from my mind like sand in a funnel. My pounding heart slows to normal, and I stop freaking out.
"It was just so REAL, Ana!" I shake my head disbelievingly. "I dreamed about the most terrible, horrid binge! Does that ever happen to other people?
"Darling, for a moment there, I thought you were going to ask if NORMAL people dream of binges. I was going to say, 'Probably not, since they don't restrict like you do, and aren't scared of eating too much and getting fat like you are.'" She chuckles and smiles. "Don't worry about it. It was just a dream."
At that moment, I hear foot steps coming towards my door. The sound of the door handle turning sends Ana diving under my bed. My father walks in and starts to try to wake me up.
"Kerry! Get up! Its almost 7:00! You're going to make your sister late for her safety patrol duty!" He pauses for breath and then continues shouting. "I know you were up late because of Driver's Ed last night but you can't sleep in anymore!"
"Dad!" I interrupt his obnoxiously loud ramblings, "I AM awake already!"
"Then get up." He tries to reason with me. Unfortunately I don't like to be reasoned with in the mornings.
"Its too cold." I whimper, "I can't get up if I'm freezing to death!"
"Well you know you're mom won't turn up the thermostat." He says.
"Yeah!" My little sister pops her head into my room. "Suck it up, Kerry!"
"FINE!" I shout, standing up and immediately burying my icy hands in my sweatshirt's front pocket. "Happy? I'm awake. I'm up. What more do you want?"
My sister ducks out of the room, perhaps to save herself from being witness to an explosion... And my dad sighs. "What do you want me to fix you for breakfast?"
My mind races to the little green and blue notebook in my backpack. I can't reach into it and grab the book to tell him what I've scheduled. I look around frantically trying to remember what I wrote for today while he rambles about poptarts, bagels, scrambled eggs, and if I'd like a cupcake for breakfast since I didn't have any yesterday. What day is it today? I think to myself, 500 Calories yesterday... Is it Wednesday? Yeah. I think its Wednesday. Wednesday means its the 3rd day of ABC... which means 300 Calories, which means I think I scheduled a Fiber One Yogurt? Yep. That's it. Way to go me!
After what must have been forever, and probably making my dad think I had fallen asleep standing up, I reply that I hate orange cupcakes, and would he please stop offering them to me? "Besides... The little girls might not care about getting balanced nutrition, but I certainly do, and the fast thing I want is straight sugar for breakfast."
"Cupcakes aren't straight sugar, Kerry..." My dad starts to object, but I cut him off.
"You're right," For once, I add in my head, "They also have carbs." I roll my eyes and shrug. "I think I'll just get a yogurt for myself."
He is finally convinced that I really am awake, and leaves my doorway as I start to trudge in a zombie-like fashion towards my mom's bathroom where my scale is. I wonder where Ana has gone, and suddenly notice she is right behind me. When I see her, I almost trip down the stairs.
"Ana!" I hoarsely whisper, "Can they see you? What about hearing you? What are you doing?!?"
"Don't worry, sweetheart," She pats my shoulder, which I interpret as the signal to keep walking down the stairs. "They can't see or hear me. I'm only in your head, not theirs." With that she smiles and adds, "But it certainly wouldn't hurt your mom to listen to me too!"
I stifle a laugh, nearly chocking on myself and whisper, "oh god, tell me about it. Mom is huge! She probably weighs nearly 300 pounds!"
"Yeah." She nods. "Its gross."
"Oh, Ana," My eyes are wide and I stare earnestly into hers as I recount, "She is mostly why I'm so scared to gain weight. I NEVER want to end up like her!"
"Keep moving girly, the scale ain't coming to you." She gives me a gentle push and then adds, "Don't worry. I'll never let you end up like that, unbearably huge and disgusting. I have no idea why your father hasn't left her. I know I would!"
A few minutes later I am staring at my on-and-off friend: the scale. I am extremely disappointed when I look at the stupid little red screen. "Ana," I whine at her, "I only lost one pound! Exactly one! Un! Ein! Uno!" I don't even wait for her response, but text my ana text buddy and my BFF Chels, both of whom are doing the ABCDiet with me. Chels replies first and I am slightly less discouraged when I read her message.
"Aw Im srry girly! At least UR losing weight. 1 is bettr then 0."
"true. I just wish it was more! I mean I followed ABC perfect!"
She says some more encouraging words to me, but I'm not really paying attention to them. I am so wrapped up in the horror of the possibility that the ABC won't work this time, I can barely focus on that I'm reading. My phone buzzes again, so I flip it open and see that Kelly has replied!
"Did you eat too much?"
"No! I followed the ABC perfectly! I worked out yesterday too!"
"Did you drink green tea?"
"Ugh. Must be it. I only had about a cup. The rest was water."
"Well then," Ana looks at me carefully, "We know what the problem is. Drink extra green tea today."
"Yeah. I guess you're right" I grumble. "What do you do when life hands you lemons? Make green tea!" I roll my eyes in false hilarity.
"But that's so true!" Ana laughs as we walk into the kitchen to grab my breakfast.
When I get to school I see Chels and I immediately start grumbling to her. "I hate Wednesdays."
"Um, Kerry?" She offers hesitantly, "Today isn't Wednesday."
I gasp in shock and my heart starts racing frantically for the second time this morning. Instantly I see a fellow cheerleader walk by in her uniform. We have a game Tuesday, and my mental calendar is off. Just my luck. Okay! Time to wake up now! I scream in my head.
"Sorry, babe," Ana puts her thin graceful hand on my shoulder. "This time you're not dreaming."
Chels looks at her questioningly, and Ana gives her the 'not now' look. "Kerry," Ana says, "You need to rearrange your food schedule for today... I think you ate the wrong breakfast."
"Oh god Kerry, did you eat to much?" Chels instantly asks me, "Are you okay?"
"She's fine." Ana whispers to her. "It was only a 50 Calorie yogurt."
"Yeah," I mutter under my breath, "But now I have to recalculate. I was young to eat oatmeal."
I leave the two of them to talk at my locker for a moment while I try to reach my mom on the phone in the 10 minutes before 1st period starts. After I have tried calling her cell 3 times, and her office once, I finally get a hold of her. "Mom?" I ask frantically into the reciever, "Can you bring me my cheer uniform and leave it in the office?"
"No, sweetie, I can't," She sighs, "I have to leave early from work and I can't leave to get something for you. Call your father."
"Mum, you know I can't do that!" I am nearly in tears. "He won't be able to find all the pieces and accessories!"
"How about I pick you up right after lunch and you go home and change?" She suggests, unknowing that I didn't do my homework for my afternoon classes and desperately need my lunch time to do the assignments.
"Okay." I say, and hang up the phone. I step back in the building and rejoin Chels and Ana to go to class.
By 2nd hour, I am feeling terrible. I have a headache, I am feeling light-headed and dizzy, and the sinking feeling in my stomach is driving me crazy. On the way to P.E. I give my mom another call and let her know I am feeling sick. I have decided to pull my poor health card and skip afternoon classes AND the game to catch up on the homework. Once I am finally home about 2 hours later, I eat my frozen Weight Watchers Alfredo Florentine and am about to go upstairs to my room when Ana taps me on the shoulder and smiles.
"How about you eat your dinner now to? That way you'll feel too full and sick and you won't want anything for the rest of the day?"
This plan is surprisingly brilliant, so I oblige. I put the Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal in the microwave and find our container of ground cinnamon. I have 5 Calories left, and though I was thinking about just not using them, 1/4 tsp. cinnamon is 5 Calories. "Perfect!" I say to Ana, "You are a genius!"
"Ha!" She punches my arm teasingly. "Tell me something I DON'T know."
I finish my food and walk upstairs content to do my homework and sleep for the rest of the day.
"Kerry..." A soft voice whispers near my still closed eyes, "It was just a dream."
I sigh a breath of relief, and thoughts of remorse and guilt for a binge that never actually happened drain from my mind like sand in a funnel. My pounding heart slows to normal, and I stop freaking out.
"It was just so REAL, Ana!" I shake my head disbelievingly. "I dreamed about the most terrible, horrid binge! Does that ever happen to other people?
"Darling, for a moment there, I thought you were going to ask if NORMAL people dream of binges. I was going to say, 'Probably not, since they don't restrict like you do, and aren't scared of eating too much and getting fat like you are.'" She chuckles and smiles. "Don't worry about it. It was just a dream."
At that moment, I hear foot steps coming towards my door. The sound of the door handle turning sends Ana diving under my bed. My father walks in and starts to try to wake me up.
"Kerry! Get up! Its almost 7:00! You're going to make your sister late for her safety patrol duty!" He pauses for breath and then continues shouting. "I know you were up late because of Driver's Ed last night but you can't sleep in anymore!"
"Dad!" I interrupt his obnoxiously loud ramblings, "I AM awake already!"
"Then get up." He tries to reason with me. Unfortunately I don't like to be reasoned with in the mornings.
"Its too cold." I whimper, "I can't get up if I'm freezing to death!"
"Well you know you're mom won't turn up the thermostat." He says.
"Yeah!" My little sister pops her head into my room. "Suck it up, Kerry!"
"FINE!" I shout, standing up and immediately burying my icy hands in my sweatshirt's front pocket. "Happy? I'm awake. I'm up. What more do you want?"
My sister ducks out of the room, perhaps to save herself from being witness to an explosion... And my dad sighs. "What do you want me to fix you for breakfast?"
My mind races to the little green and blue notebook in my backpack. I can't reach into it and grab the book to tell him what I've scheduled. I look around frantically trying to remember what I wrote for today while he rambles about poptarts, bagels, scrambled eggs, and if I'd like a cupcake for breakfast since I didn't have any yesterday. What day is it today? I think to myself, 500 Calories yesterday... Is it Wednesday? Yeah. I think its Wednesday. Wednesday means its the 3rd day of ABC... which means 300 Calories, which means I think I scheduled a Fiber One Yogurt? Yep. That's it. Way to go me!
After what must have been forever, and probably making my dad think I had fallen asleep standing up, I reply that I hate orange cupcakes, and would he please stop offering them to me? "Besides... The little girls might not care about getting balanced nutrition, but I certainly do, and the fast thing I want is straight sugar for breakfast."
"Cupcakes aren't straight sugar, Kerry..." My dad starts to object, but I cut him off.
"You're right," For once, I add in my head, "They also have carbs." I roll my eyes and shrug. "I think I'll just get a yogurt for myself."
He is finally convinced that I really am awake, and leaves my doorway as I start to trudge in a zombie-like fashion towards my mom's bathroom where my scale is. I wonder where Ana has gone, and suddenly notice she is right behind me. When I see her, I almost trip down the stairs.
"Ana!" I hoarsely whisper, "Can they see you? What about hearing you? What are you doing?!?"
"Don't worry, sweetheart," She pats my shoulder, which I interpret as the signal to keep walking down the stairs. "They can't see or hear me. I'm only in your head, not theirs." With that she smiles and adds, "But it certainly wouldn't hurt your mom to listen to me too!"
I stifle a laugh, nearly chocking on myself and whisper, "oh god, tell me about it. Mom is huge! She probably weighs nearly 300 pounds!"
"Yeah." She nods. "Its gross."
"Oh, Ana," My eyes are wide and I stare earnestly into hers as I recount, "She is mostly why I'm so scared to gain weight. I NEVER want to end up like her!"
"Keep moving girly, the scale ain't coming to you." She gives me a gentle push and then adds, "Don't worry. I'll never let you end up like that, unbearably huge and disgusting. I have no idea why your father hasn't left her. I know I would!"
A few minutes later I am staring at my on-and-off friend: the scale. I am extremely disappointed when I look at the stupid little red screen. "Ana," I whine at her, "I only lost one pound! Exactly one! Un! Ein! Uno!" I don't even wait for her response, but text my ana text buddy and my BFF Chels, both of whom are doing the ABCDiet with me. Chels replies first and I am slightly less discouraged when I read her message.
"Aw Im srry girly! At least UR losing weight. 1 is bettr then 0."
"true. I just wish it was more! I mean I followed ABC perfect!"
She says some more encouraging words to me, but I'm not really paying attention to them. I am so wrapped up in the horror of the possibility that the ABC won't work this time, I can barely focus on that I'm reading. My phone buzzes again, so I flip it open and see that Kelly has replied!
"Did you eat too much?"
"No! I followed the ABC perfectly! I worked out yesterday too!"
"Did you drink green tea?"
"Ugh. Must be it. I only had about a cup. The rest was water."
"Well then," Ana looks at me carefully, "We know what the problem is. Drink extra green tea today."
"Yeah. I guess you're right" I grumble. "What do you do when life hands you lemons? Make green tea!" I roll my eyes in false hilarity.
"But that's so true!" Ana laughs as we walk into the kitchen to grab my breakfast.
When I get to school I see Chels and I immediately start grumbling to her. "I hate Wednesdays."
"Um, Kerry?" She offers hesitantly, "Today isn't Wednesday."
I gasp in shock and my heart starts racing frantically for the second time this morning. Instantly I see a fellow cheerleader walk by in her uniform. We have a game Tuesday, and my mental calendar is off. Just my luck. Okay! Time to wake up now! I scream in my head.
"Sorry, babe," Ana puts her thin graceful hand on my shoulder. "This time you're not dreaming."
Chels looks at her questioningly, and Ana gives her the 'not now' look. "Kerry," Ana says, "You need to rearrange your food schedule for today... I think you ate the wrong breakfast."
"Oh god Kerry, did you eat to much?" Chels instantly asks me, "Are you okay?"
"She's fine." Ana whispers to her. "It was only a 50 Calorie yogurt."
"Yeah," I mutter under my breath, "But now I have to recalculate. I was young to eat oatmeal."
I leave the two of them to talk at my locker for a moment while I try to reach my mom on the phone in the 10 minutes before 1st period starts. After I have tried calling her cell 3 times, and her office once, I finally get a hold of her. "Mom?" I ask frantically into the reciever, "Can you bring me my cheer uniform and leave it in the office?"
"No, sweetie, I can't," She sighs, "I have to leave early from work and I can't leave to get something for you. Call your father."
"Mum, you know I can't do that!" I am nearly in tears. "He won't be able to find all the pieces and accessories!"
"How about I pick you up right after lunch and you go home and change?" She suggests, unknowing that I didn't do my homework for my afternoon classes and desperately need my lunch time to do the assignments.
"Okay." I say, and hang up the phone. I step back in the building and rejoin Chels and Ana to go to class.
By 2nd hour, I am feeling terrible. I have a headache, I am feeling light-headed and dizzy, and the sinking feeling in my stomach is driving me crazy. On the way to P.E. I give my mom another call and let her know I am feeling sick. I have decided to pull my poor health card and skip afternoon classes AND the game to catch up on the homework. Once I am finally home about 2 hours later, I eat my frozen Weight Watchers Alfredo Florentine and am about to go upstairs to my room when Ana taps me on the shoulder and smiles.
"How about you eat your dinner now to? That way you'll feel too full and sick and you won't want anything for the rest of the day?"
This plan is surprisingly brilliant, so I oblige. I put the Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal in the microwave and find our container of ground cinnamon. I have 5 Calories left, and though I was thinking about just not using them, 1/4 tsp. cinnamon is 5 Calories. "Perfect!" I say to Ana, "You are a genius!"
"Ha!" She punches my arm teasingly. "Tell me something I DON'T know."
I finish my food and walk upstairs content to do my homework and sleep for the rest of the day.
ABCDiet Jour Un
Ana stands in front of me holding my food journal. She glances up with an approving smile on her face. "Day 1: 500 Calories..." She directs her eyes back down to the page. "Breakfast - Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal - 160 Calories. Lunch - Healthy Choice Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo - 270 Calories. So far so good, love!" She smiles at me warmly and with a beautiful approving look on her face. "Dinner - Fiber One Yogurt - 50 Calories. Snacks - 4 pieces of gum - 20 Calories. Drinks - Water and Green Tea - 0 Calories."
I absorb her praise very gratefully. "And the exercise? Did you see it?"
"Exercise - Elliptical - 291 Calories, various weight machines, inclined sit ups, and lots of stretching! Good job, sweetie!" She smiles and hands me back the notebook. "I am so proud of you for resisting coffee too. You didn't build it into your plan but you stuck with it anyways!"
"Well," I begin, "It was super easy to get out of eating a big dinner because I stayed at school until 8:30 pm because of my Driver's Ed class. I just told my mom I ate dinner at school, but was hungry again when I ate the yogurt."
"Brilliant!" She wraps her thin, cold arms around my shoulders and gives me a little squeeze. "I couldn't have done better myself!"
"Um, Ana?" I look at her with a skeptical, but teasing eye. "Yes, yes you could have."
She throws back her head in a laugh and says "You're right! I always do." She smiles and wipes her bangs from her face. "But we're talking about you now. Not me."
"Ana, I was reading a blog about a girl with EDNOS for thinspiration, and I noticed something..." I pause, slightly unsure as to weather or not I want to change the topic. I love Ana's praise, but she seems abnormally happy. "This girl starts out well, loses a bunch of weight, but then binges her heart out, cries about it, binges some more, cries, tries to fast, fails, cuts, tries again, fails, binges, tries to purge, fails, goes missing in action, binges, cries, fails, etc. Its always the same. I haven't caught up on it all, but if she doesn't start making progress soon, all its going to be is reverse thinspo! Its super annoying. I just wish I could find people to look up to and inspire me!"
"Well darling, Some people just don't have resolve." She shrugs. Its very evident from her expression that she doesn't care about this other girl. "EDNOS is very different from me, so its not really something you can compare yourself to."
"That's true." I sigh. "I don't get it, but reading about her constant failure it making me depressed. I mean, sure, it keeps me distracted, and sure its something I can try NOT to do, but if it doesn't start getting better soon maybe I'll just quit reading it? I don't know."
"Maybe you should tell her that." She rolls her eyes at the obvious lack of self-control evident written on the screen. "It might knock some sense into her."
"I started reading her blog at the earliest entries and I'm working my way up. I'm still a year in her blog's past, but it isn't getting better." I lean back against my pillows and shrug. "I think I'll at least read up to the present before I stop following her blog."
"Okay then." She smiles and kisses my forehead, embracing me in her tiny, little arms. "I just don't want this to make you stumble like watching 'Supersize vs. Superskinny' did. You mean well giving yourself negative thinspo, but after a while you start to wonder why you bother. If I tell you to stop following her. I expect you to stop right away."
I smile and hug her back. She is so beautiful. The only thing I crave is to be like her.
I absorb her praise very gratefully. "And the exercise? Did you see it?"
"Exercise - Elliptical - 291 Calories, various weight machines, inclined sit ups, and lots of stretching! Good job, sweetie!" She smiles and hands me back the notebook. "I am so proud of you for resisting coffee too. You didn't build it into your plan but you stuck with it anyways!"
"Well," I begin, "It was super easy to get out of eating a big dinner because I stayed at school until 8:30 pm because of my Driver's Ed class. I just told my mom I ate dinner at school, but was hungry again when I ate the yogurt."
"Brilliant!" She wraps her thin, cold arms around my shoulders and gives me a little squeeze. "I couldn't have done better myself!"
"Um, Ana?" I look at her with a skeptical, but teasing eye. "Yes, yes you could have."
She throws back her head in a laugh and says "You're right! I always do." She smiles and wipes her bangs from her face. "But we're talking about you now. Not me."
"Ana, I was reading a blog about a girl with EDNOS for thinspiration, and I noticed something..." I pause, slightly unsure as to weather or not I want to change the topic. I love Ana's praise, but she seems abnormally happy. "This girl starts out well, loses a bunch of weight, but then binges her heart out, cries about it, binges some more, cries, tries to fast, fails, cuts, tries again, fails, binges, tries to purge, fails, goes missing in action, binges, cries, fails, etc. Its always the same. I haven't caught up on it all, but if she doesn't start making progress soon, all its going to be is reverse thinspo! Its super annoying. I just wish I could find people to look up to and inspire me!"
"Well darling, Some people just don't have resolve." She shrugs. Its very evident from her expression that she doesn't care about this other girl. "EDNOS is very different from me, so its not really something you can compare yourself to."
"That's true." I sigh. "I don't get it, but reading about her constant failure it making me depressed. I mean, sure, it keeps me distracted, and sure its something I can try NOT to do, but if it doesn't start getting better soon maybe I'll just quit reading it? I don't know."
"Maybe you should tell her that." She rolls her eyes at the obvious lack of self-control evident written on the screen. "It might knock some sense into her."
"I started reading her blog at the earliest entries and I'm working my way up. I'm still a year in her blog's past, but it isn't getting better." I lean back against my pillows and shrug. "I think I'll at least read up to the present before I stop following her blog."
"Okay then." She smiles and kisses my forehead, embracing me in her tiny, little arms. "I just don't want this to make you stumble like watching 'Supersize vs. Superskinny' did. You mean well giving yourself negative thinspo, but after a while you start to wonder why you bother. If I tell you to stop following her. I expect you to stop right away."
I smile and hug her back. She is so beautiful. The only thing I crave is to be like her.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Post Pig Day
"Ana!" I scream, "Look at this!" I am standing on a large white square that looks a bit like a plastic tile. A maroon scream with bright red numbers reads an abormally huge number at the top.
"Darling, I warned you didn't I?" Ana sits on the edge of the tub kicking her feet back and forth. "Look at things positively... at least you didn't gain back all the weight that you lost yesterday!"
"Yeah," I glare at her cheerfulness, "By two ounces..." I look at the number one last time as I step off the scale and it resets to 0. What a beautiful number - "0"... Double it and that's the pants size I want to wear.
"That would be beautiful," Ana says, reading my mind, "Wouldn't it?" She giggles and jumps up from her makeshift seat. Her face drops again and she whines, "But you have a long time to go from here."
"Yeah." I halfheartedly agree. I send my terrible news to my pro-ana text buddies and my best friend Chels, and look back at the waif-like girl next to me. "Ana, I don't think I'm going to eat today."
"Wow, What a resolution!" She shrugs sarcastically, then freezes. "Wait, you mean, like, your going to fast?"
"Yeah!" I smile at her, "Its the least I can do in return for you letting me have a day off yesterday night."
Immediately she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her. "I am so proud of you!"
Her words inspire me, ans a happy chill runs down my spine. "I would try to fast for 4 days straight, but I am starting the ABC diet tomorrow."
"Oh, but you could fast anyways." She looks at me with her big beautiful eyes. "The numbers for the ABC diet are the limit. you CAN stay under if you want."
"No offense, but I'm going to try to stay exactly at the numbers, Ana." I am afraid of hurting her, but I am also afraid of failing again. "I want to get in as much as I can within the limits so I can stick with it this time and not burn out because of weakness. I'm sure you remember what happened last time..." I look down at my fat feet and trail off.
"You got to day ten. You were lying on the couch unable to stand from exhaustion, texting a boy."
"Josh" I fill in for her. "Not a person of interest. Just a friend"
"But he wishes he was more than that!" She winks at me.
"Meh..." I shrug, "He just wants inside my pants."
She throws her head back and laughs. This is the most entertained I've ever seen her. "That's true. That's true." She is still smiling as she continues with her story. "So your texting Josh, bragging, however foolishly, about how you aren't hungry and aren't going to eat. He tells you that you should. You tell him that, NO, you really shouldn't. You are too fat. He says of course your not you are the hottest girl in 2nd hour speech class."
With that line, I grin sheepishly at the floor examining my toenails. A thought occurs to me and I interrupt her for a second time. "Ana, should I do anything about my nails? They're turning blue."
She looks at me with a neutral face. "What do you think?" She replies simply.
"Well its extremely inspiring to see the blue tint." I start, "But I don't want anyone to get suspicious or anything."
"No one ever has before..." She rolls her eyes. "No one has ever associated the tinted nails with me. Besides... no one pays that close attention to your nails unless you call attention to them."
"Okay!" I smile at her, thankful for her assistance in my reasoning. "I'll leave them as weirdly random thinspo."
"You are so strange!" She laughs and then continues the story again. "You realize you can't go to school in the morning if you can't even stand, and you abandon me and beautiful diet all because you let a compliment from a skirt-chaser go to your head. Now you tell me what happened next."
"I go M.I.A. (missing in action) from my text buddy at the time and next thing I know, she too is abandoning you because she likes how food makes her feel happy again."
"Then you have no one to keep you accountable and after your old websites all get frozen, you are plunged into Compulsive Over Eating, and it takes you an extremely long time to come back to me for good."
The shame fills my mind, screaming for me to be punished for my unfaithfulness. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I burst out with a wailing "Ana, I'm so sorry! I was wrong! I shouldn't have left! I should have trusted you! Why don't I ever listen? All you do is only for my own good. Why did I ever leave? I could be itsy-bitsy by now if I'd only stayed!"
"Ssshhhh..." Ana pulls me close and rests her chin on top of my head. She wipes at the tears which have been torrenting out of my eyes like a salty waterfall. "Crying won't help you sweetheart! Just remember that failure when your tempted to quit this time. Everything will be okay baby-doll. You'll do just fine. Just think: 7 weeks from today you'll be standing on this scale and in front of this mirror and you'll have a great reason to be proud, love!"
"Darling, I warned you didn't I?" Ana sits on the edge of the tub kicking her feet back and forth. "Look at things positively... at least you didn't gain back all the weight that you lost yesterday!"
"Yeah," I glare at her cheerfulness, "By two ounces..." I look at the number one last time as I step off the scale and it resets to 0. What a beautiful number - "0"... Double it and that's the pants size I want to wear.
"That would be beautiful," Ana says, reading my mind, "Wouldn't it?" She giggles and jumps up from her makeshift seat. Her face drops again and she whines, "But you have a long time to go from here."
"Yeah." I halfheartedly agree. I send my terrible news to my pro-ana text buddies and my best friend Chels, and look back at the waif-like girl next to me. "Ana, I don't think I'm going to eat today."
"Wow, What a resolution!" She shrugs sarcastically, then freezes. "Wait, you mean, like, your going to fast?"
"Yeah!" I smile at her, "Its the least I can do in return for you letting me have a day off yesterday night."
Immediately she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her. "I am so proud of you!"
Her words inspire me, ans a happy chill runs down my spine. "I would try to fast for 4 days straight, but I am starting the ABC diet tomorrow."
"Oh, but you could fast anyways." She looks at me with her big beautiful eyes. "The numbers for the ABC diet are the limit. you CAN stay under if you want."
"No offense, but I'm going to try to stay exactly at the numbers, Ana." I am afraid of hurting her, but I am also afraid of failing again. "I want to get in as much as I can within the limits so I can stick with it this time and not burn out because of weakness. I'm sure you remember what happened last time..." I look down at my fat feet and trail off.
"You got to day ten. You were lying on the couch unable to stand from exhaustion, texting a boy."
"Josh" I fill in for her. "Not a person of interest. Just a friend"
"But he wishes he was more than that!" She winks at me.
"Meh..." I shrug, "He just wants inside my pants."
She throws her head back and laughs. This is the most entertained I've ever seen her. "That's true. That's true." She is still smiling as she continues with her story. "So your texting Josh, bragging, however foolishly, about how you aren't hungry and aren't going to eat. He tells you that you should. You tell him that, NO, you really shouldn't. You are too fat. He says of course your not you are the hottest girl in 2nd hour speech class."
With that line, I grin sheepishly at the floor examining my toenails. A thought occurs to me and I interrupt her for a second time. "Ana, should I do anything about my nails? They're turning blue."
She looks at me with a neutral face. "What do you think?" She replies simply.
"Well its extremely inspiring to see the blue tint." I start, "But I don't want anyone to get suspicious or anything."
"No one ever has before..." She rolls her eyes. "No one has ever associated the tinted nails with me. Besides... no one pays that close attention to your nails unless you call attention to them."
"Okay!" I smile at her, thankful for her assistance in my reasoning. "I'll leave them as weirdly random thinspo."
"You are so strange!" She laughs and then continues the story again. "You realize you can't go to school in the morning if you can't even stand, and you abandon me and beautiful diet all because you let a compliment from a skirt-chaser go to your head. Now you tell me what happened next."
"I go M.I.A. (missing in action) from my text buddy at the time and next thing I know, she too is abandoning you because she likes how food makes her feel happy again."
"Then you have no one to keep you accountable and after your old websites all get frozen, you are plunged into Compulsive Over Eating, and it takes you an extremely long time to come back to me for good."
The shame fills my mind, screaming for me to be punished for my unfaithfulness. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I burst out with a wailing "Ana, I'm so sorry! I was wrong! I shouldn't have left! I should have trusted you! Why don't I ever listen? All you do is only for my own good. Why did I ever leave? I could be itsy-bitsy by now if I'd only stayed!"
"Ssshhhh..." Ana pulls me close and rests her chin on top of my head. She wipes at the tears which have been torrenting out of my eyes like a salty waterfall. "Crying won't help you sweetheart! Just remember that failure when your tempted to quit this time. Everything will be okay baby-doll. You'll do just fine. Just think: 7 weeks from today you'll be standing on this scale and in front of this mirror and you'll have a great reason to be proud, love!"
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