ABCDiet Jour Six

7:40 in the morning. On a Saturday. When I've been sick. Why the hell did I wake up so early? Let's see, I got 8+ hours of sleep last night, plus all that sleep I got during the day... but why? OMG I have to go to the bathroom!

I am walking out the door when a voice stops me. "Large Coke Zero caught up to ya, love?" Ana is laughing. "I don't think you're dehydrated anymore."
"Ha, Ha." I mutter sarcastically. "Yeah, I'll be right back. Then we'll hit the scales."
"If only we could hit the gym today." Ana sighs as I walk across the hall to the bathroom. "You really need to get your driver's license."

A few minutes later we have relocated from my bathroom to my mom's bathroom where the scale is.

"Congratulations!" Ana pats my back briefly, "1.2 pounds lost instead of the usual solid 1!"
"I know!" I grin at her as I look up from the screen. "I'm pretty proud of that."
"Who knows though," Ana looks at the huge number on the little red box, "maybe you could have lost 2 whole pounds if you had drunk green tea."

Soon, we are in the kitchen, and I am opening the pantry. I reach to the top shelf, and pull down a mixed box of Special K snack bars. I look through the box trying to decide which flavor to eat. Ana is sitting on the counter as usual kicking her feet back and forth. I pull out the chocolate pretzel flavor. I look over it, and decide I am getting tired of chocolatey breakfasts. I slide it pack into the box, and pull out a strawberry one. Strawberry is just to typical. It's good, but I don't really want strawberry. As I put it back I notice an orange colored wrapper, and take it from the box. Peach berry!

"That looks un-boring." Ana looks at me helpfully.
"Yeah." I shrug and put the rest of the box back on the top shelf. "I think I'll eat this one."
"That's pretty good." Ana says as she slides off the counter, "90 Calories."

A few hours later, I am back in the kitchen. I have done calculations and figure If I eat a bunch at lunch (he he that rhymes!) then my parents won't notice that I'm not eating. I open the refrigerator and Ana hands me the box of eggs. "1 egg is only 70 calories!" She smiles, "Plus it's got a lot of protein."
"And that will keep me feeling full right?" I take an egg out of the carton and hand the rest back to her.
"Exactly." She has her head back in the fridge, then she closes the door and hands me a bag of baby spinach. "This will help keep you full too. 25 Calories for 2 cups, and lots of fiber and antioxidants."

I reach into the cupboard and pull out a large square plate. I grab the fat free, 0 Calorie olive oil cooking spray and spritz the plate before I crack the egg into it, stir it a little and put it in the microwave. Next, I find a measuring cup and get exactly 1 serving: 2 cups of the dark green leaves. The microwaves beeps that it has finished cooking, and I open the door and sprinkle some of the leaves onto it.

"It still needs something." I say looking at my egg sadly. "Any ideas?"
Once again, Ana dives into the fridge, and pulls out a canister of powdered Parmesan cheese. "1 teaspoon is 10 calories!" She offers the container to me and adds, "It'll probably satisfy your cheese craving from last night as well."
"That's true." I admit, "I wish regular cheese had fewer Calories."
"That would be nice." Ana smirks at me and says,  "I was afraid you were going to binge on those cheese-stuffed bread sticks from school."
"What?" I say in mock-innocence, "I have broken up with Bosco Sticks!"
"Well," She rolls her eyes, "That's what you said last time."
"Hey now," I say in fake offense, "Gimme a break. I haven't eaten them all semester."
"Yeah..." once again, she rolls her eyes. "All 2 weeks of it?"

I take a teaspoon out of the silverware drawer and measure out 1 teaspoon of cheese. I sprinkle some onto the egg, and put the rest on the leftover spinach. Next, I grab the pepper grinder and put pepper on both the egg and extra spinach. I decide to eat the egg first. I fold it in half taco-style and walk into the room where my mom is checking the email on her laptop. I make sure that my mom, dad, and sisters see me eating my omelet-taco.

"Good girl!" Ana praises my little charade, "Now they'll think you are eating a lot!"
"That was the plan." I say taking the last bite of my food. "Now for the salad."
"No dressing." Ana warns, "Especially not ranch."
"I know!" I look at the bottle in the fridge disgustedly. "Its so fatty!"
"And you are what you eat." Ana chides, "So don't eat fatty things unless you want to be a fatty."

I close the refrigerator door again, unable to find any sort of dressing under 5 Calories. I look around the kitchen and an I idea occurs to me. I pick up the olive oil spray again, and spray the top layer of leaves. I use my fork to stir it all around. Not only will the oil moisten the leaves, but it will stick the cheese and pepper to them as well.

"What's with you and olive oil today?" Ana looks at me surprised.
"Well, the Italians eat lots of olive oil," I say innocently, "And the Italians live forever. They never die, they just shrink into little rasin-sized people and run the mafia."
Ana looks at me, unsure of what to think, then bursts out laughing. "You," She says, still laughing, "You should be an entertainer."
"That's the idea." I say, "I want to be a singer and an actress."
""Well, love," She whispers, wrapping her thin, beautiful arms around me, "I will help you become thin and beautiful enough to make your dreams come true."
"I hope you're right." I sigh, and walk into the living room again to call attention to my salad-eating.

As soon as I sit down next to the older of my younger sisters, she looks at me and says, "God, Kerry! You're such a fatty! You've been eating all day!"
"Don't be rude." My mother scolds her, then turns to me, "Kerry is that olive oil on your salad?"
"Yep!" I smile pleased that I have thoroughly made them notice my food, "Its really good actually."

"Barvo!" Ana says to me, "Or should I say: Très bien! Oui. Vous préférez le français." I giggle a little bit at Ana and thankfully my family doesn't notice.

ABCDiet Jour Cinq

I am not feeling well once again. I sleep through my sisters leaving for school, I sleep through breakfast, I sleep until 12:30ish in the afternoon. As I try to stand, I am dizzier than ever. My throat is parched so badly I can barely breathe. I am running a fever again, and my head and chest ache. I make my way downstairs carefully so I don't fall or pass out. One hand is gripping the stair railing, and the other arm is around Ana's shoulder as she helps me to the kitchen. She hands me a Triple Chocolate Vitamuffin, and smiles.

"Here, darling." She unwraps the pastry for me as I sink into a chair, feeling very dizzy and nauseated. "You only get 100 calories today, so best eat them halfway through the day."
"But Ana," I question her, "I haven't weighed myself."
"You can weigh yourself while this chocolate thing is cooking, love." She smiles gently and reassuringly. "Here, I'll help you to the bathroom without falling. Just put this in the microwave."

I nod, and stand up slowly and carefully as to not trigger my vertigo. I open the door and put the muffin on a paper towel then inside the microwave and shut the door. I punch in 30 seconds and press start. I turn to Ana, and she holds my arm gently as I walk to my mother's bathroom where the scale is. I strip down and step on to the little, white, plastic square.

"I lost 1 lb." I say to her, still staring down at the red screen. "How predictable."
"Think about it this way sweetie," she look me in the eye as she talks, "If you loose 1lb. everyday you're on the diet, you'll have lost 50 lbs. in 50 days!"
"Well, Ana," I look at her and smile, "I have lost an extra 4 oz. on top of the 1 lb. every day!"
"That's true darling!" She grins and laughs a bit. "Maybe you'll wind up losing 51."

We walk back to the kitchen where the Vitamuffin has finished cooking. As I eat it, I can't help but think that it is too sweet without a drink to go with it. As if she has read my mind, which she basically has, Ana gets a plastic cup from the cabinet and pours me a cup of cold water. Gratefully, I drain it almost immediately and she refills it for me. By the time I have finished eating, I have emptied 3 tall glasses of cold water.

"Sweetheart," Ana looks at me with concern in her eyes, "I think you're dehydrated."
"Yeah." I sigh. "Probably."
She hands me the 4th cup of water and I drink half of it before I look up at her and say, "You know what I want?" I pause only long enough to take a breath and then continue. "Coke Zero. I haven't had it in a while, and its 0 Calories."
She laughs in agreement, and then herds me up the stairs again. "You need your sleep, dear."
I notice again how tired I am. I nod and climb into bed where I sleep for another 4 hours.

When I wake up again, My 2 little sisters want me to watch National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets with them. I agree, because believe it or not, I still haven't seen it. As I walk down stairs again, I notice that I am not quite so dizzy as this morning.

Ana, I complain mentally, I feel hungry. I don't want to break the ABCDiet though! But its so awful!
"Make some popcorn." She replies with a shrug.
But, Ana, I reply in shock, I've already had 100 Calories!
"You're not going to eat it, silly!" She giggles at my apparent foolishness. "You're going to give it to your sisters. You're just going to smell it."
Oh, I think, That's easy enough.

I stumble into the kitchen and grab 2 bags of extra butter popcorn. I cook them 1 at a time, and empty them into the big metal popcorn bowls. I take them into the living room to watch the movie, and give my offerings to my sisters. When the movie, which was very good by the way, is over, I slowly stand up and recollect the bowls from the girls and drop them off at the kitchen sink. I remember what Ana told me earlier, and decide to cook something else for them. I reach into the pantry and pull out a chocolate chip muffin mix and a cocoa chocolate chip muffin mix, each of which only makes 6 muffins. They both only direct you to add a 1/2 cup of water, and soon, I have both in the oven, cooking. They are ready in about 10 minutes, and I take them out and set them on a rack to cool for a bit. My impatience gets the best of me, and I decide to pull them out of the tray without cooling. I give 2 of each kind to my little sisters, and leave one of each for my mom and dad. As I walk into the living room where my sisters are still vegetating on the couch, I hand them the plate of muffins, and my phone begins to rings. Its Mom.

"Hello?" I answer.
"Kerry!" I hear her cheerful voice on the other end of the line. "Your father and I are stopping by Chick-fil-a in the way home. Would you or your sisters like anything?"
I turn to the girls and repeat my mom's question, and then give their orders.
"What about you, Kerrykinz?" My mom says expectantly, "Don't you want anything?"
"Actually," I lie to her, "I just ate some chicken noodle soup and muffins."
"Are you sure?" She questions my resolve. "Do you want french fries or a chicken sandwich?"
Yes! I think to myself, Get me one of everything on the menu! But I say, "No, mom." I laugh. "I'm fine."
"What about your Coke Zero?" Ana whispers in my ear, "Then your mom won't think anything weird is going on."
"What about a Chicken Cesar Salad or a Crunchy Chicken Cool Wrap?" My mom is trying to make sure I don't change my mind when she comes home, and complain about being left out.
"Oh, " I interrupt her as if the thought has just occurred to me, "Could you get me a  Coke Zero with mo ice?"
"Sure!" My mom says, clearly relieved that I am at least ordering something. "I'll get you a large."

As soon as they get home, my dad brings the drink to me, and I drink it all in about 2 minutes. I get in the shower and then as I climb into bed, I look at Ana. She is sitting cross-legged at the foot of my bed.

"I think I was right about you being dehydrated." She shakes her head. "You downed that thing like it was nothing."
"Well it didn't have any Calories," I reason with her, "So I'm not worried."
"You should drink some tea." She gives me that look that my elementary school teachers used to give me when I was doing something wrong.
"I didn't want anything hot." I tell her. "And I didn't want to burn my hand again."
"That's understandable." She sighs, and uncrosses her legs, crawling forward. She tucks the 7 layers of blankets around me and kisses my forehead. "Sleep tight." She whispers. I have already fallen asleep before she slides back to the other end.

ABCDiet Jour Quatre

I don't know what time it is. Honestly, I don't care as long as I can make it 2nd Period and then I can leave and go back to sleep. I finally look as the clock. I have about an hour and a half before it starts.

"Ana," I close my eyes and let my head sink back onto my pillow, "What's my Calorie limit for today?"
She strokes my tired, feverish forehead gently, the coldness of her fingers bringing relief to my head though the rest of my body is freezing under 7 blankets. "400, darling." She smiles at me and then adds, "Get up. I thought you didn't want to miss P.E."
"Yeah, that's right." I mutter, "Too bad we aren't going to be getting much exercise. But if I miss a day of P.E. I can't get certified for CPR. "
"At least you'll be walking to class," She pulls the covers off me as a gesture for me to stand, "And climbing all those stairs."

I walk downstairs and begin planning out my meals for today in my head. Ana follows me as we make our way to the scale in my mom's bathroom. Once again, I have lost only 1 pound.

"I don't get it!" I am practically in tears. "I drank so much green tea I could have thrown up, exploded, or both!" I sink on to my heels and hold my head in my hands.
"Its okay, sweetie." She pats my back, clearly frustrated with my lack of significant progress as well. "It must be that you're spending so much time in bead because you're sick. Once you've gotten better, I'm sure you'll lose plenty."
"I hope so," I sniff, "Because this is ridiculous. . .  at least I'm not unbearably hungry."

I go to school for an hour and then I am home once more. I walk to the freezer in the garage where a lot of my diet food is stored. I remember what I said to Ana yesterday, and I pull out a pumpkin Vitamin muffin. It is far to cold outside so we don't stand around for long, just long enough for me to check the labels on all of my Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, and Healthy Choice meals. We make our way to the kitchen and put the muffin in the microwave for 25 seconds. I remain silent as I eat the first 100 calories of my day. I am already thinking of what I will eat for lunch.

"Well?" Ana looks at me expectantly.
"I like the pumpkin a lot!" I grin at her, popping the last bite of muffin with the most seeds on top into my mouth. "I think that the people who make the Vitamuffins are brilliant to be able to cook diet desserts that actually taste good."
"Good to know," She rolls her eyes at me, smiling. "But I was talking about what you're going to eat for lunch. Have you decided yet?"
"Well, I'm going to want a Fiber One yogurt later, and my orange gummy vitamin c's are 25 Calories, so I have to factor in ... I will only have 225 Calories left." I am licking the pumpkin crumbs off my fingers as I continue. "The closest I could find to 225 was a Weight Watchers ham and scrambled egg breakfast meal. I guess I could finish it off with a pickle. That would leave me at exactly 400 Calories."
Ana claps her hands and hugs me close to her. "I am glad to see that you came back with extra willpower and resolve!" She kisses my cheek and then reminisces. "You tried to do the ABC twice last summer and both of them failed after day 2 or 3. The longest you ever made it was day 10 your freshman year."
"Ugh." I sigh unhappily, "This time its different. This time I will finish it. I deserve it. You deserve it. and Jonney deserves it."
 "Hmm..." Ana raises an eyebrow as her arms slip off of my shoulders. "There's a name you've been avoiding for a while." She notices the obvious pain on my face at the words and quickly adds, "Talk to me, Kerry."
"I'm not sure if he still loves me." I whisper. "He takes so much longer to reply to my messages, he didn't call at all last night, and he doesn't smile around me as much."
"Well love," She sends me a piteous half-smile, "Jonney is very touchy-feeley. I'm not saying that's a bad thing,"She laughs softly to herself, "But you've been gone, so he hasn't gotten to see you, in several days. Plus, Don't you think he'd rather have a thin girlfriend?"
"I KNOW he does. He'd never admit it to me though." I sigh audibly. "I just keep having weird feelings for an old friend of mine who I treated extremely badly right before he stopped talking to me. Now he won't even give me the time of day. I want to starve myself partially to punish myself for crushing his heart into a million pieces like that. I KNEW he liked me. I KNEW he cared about me, and I still messed around with his head. Ana, why am I such a bitch sometimes?"
"It'll be okay, Kerbear." She pulls my head towards herself and let me cry in her tiny, delicate, beautiful arms. "Jonney acts like he doesn't want you losing weight." She snorts in an annoyed fashion. Obviously, she disagrees. "If he decides that he doesn't like the thin you, then its obvious that he wasn't right for you. maybe then this old friend of yours would take you back. He liked you when you were your thinnest. He'd probably like you again. For now, why don't you take some pain-killers for that migraine and go to sleep."

I hadn't noticed how much worse my headache had gotten until she mentioned it. I go to sleep for an hour or so until I wake up so thirsty I could drink an entire bathtub full of tea. I walk downstairs and put some water in the microwave to boil. Once I have shut the door I turn to where Ana is sitting on the kitchen counter reading my horoscope.

"It says you feel strongly attracted to people who are... lets see both their birthdays are in early May so that fits." She looks up at me proud of her little discovery. "Its your celestial destiny to be torn between the two of them babygirl. Good thing I love you more than either of them ever will, because I want to help you become the prettiest you can be, and the two of them only ever quarrel and brake your heart."

I know she is right, and so we lay that issue to rest. The microwave beeps and as I am taking the boiling water out, My migraine returns with a pang, messing up my balance and I sway a bit, catching myself, but spilling the burning liquid on my arm and hand. I scream and drop the glass on the floor. This startles Ana and she looks around frantically for my phone. She dials my mother's number and shoves the phone into my good hand. We run to the bathroom and start running cold water over my arm and hand as the phone rings for what seems like an eternity. Finally my mom answers her cell, and the sobs I finally cough up the sobs have been holding back to join the tears which are streaming down my face.

"Kerry?" My mom says, "What's wrong? Are you okay? Have your chest pains gotten worse?"
I try to tell her that I have burned myself but she cannot understand me. I get myself enough under control to tell her what is wrong, and soon she has left work, grabbed burn pads, and it rushing in the door. We bandage up my hand, and all that is left in me are dry sobs because I have run out of tears to cry.
"I guess I'll have to reschedule your driving practice for Driver's Ed." I know she is trying to be funny, and as much as I don't want to laugh, I knew she would say something like that, and so a laugh bubbles up to replace the sobs from moments before. She smiles, relieved that I am finally in a bit of a better mood, even though my hand is bandaged like Jack Sparrow's in POTC2... only with medicated gel burn pads underneath. She walks to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of painkillers left over from my wisdom teeth extraction a few months ago.

"You have to take those on an empty stomach." Ana whispers to me, "Good thing you're stomach is empty by now. Those things also knock you out and suppress your appetite."
Yeah, I remember. I think at her, Guess I'll be out for the rest of the day and I won't be getting any exercise.
We both sigh, but know I'm right. I just wish I didn't have to be. At least now I'll have several excuses not to eat, and excuses to give people for why I am losing weight so quickly again.

ABCDiet Jour Trois

At around 6:00-6:30 am I begin to shift in and out of partial consciousness. At 7:10 when the girls are finally gone off to school and my mom gone to work, I get another 30 minutes of sound sleep. Judging by my older sister's usual habits the sound of running up and down the stairs must mean she didn't get up until 7:40 and has to be at her first class in 20 minutes. Again I am barely awake enough to register sounds as I turn over and wait for her to be gone so I can rest. I am not so lucky. My dad comes up the stairs and lets himself in.

Poor guy really, he was a technical expert with computers working at the university my older sister is about to graduate from this semester for about 10 years. He got deployed with the military when I was in 5th grade and had to stay there for 18 months  with only a 2 week break which we all spent in Germany that Christmas. He comes back home from Iraq, and they give him back his job. When he gets orders for a second deployment when I am in 9th grade, which is rare, by the way, for Army Reservists, the university lays him off, saying they can't hold his position for him. Pardon my language, but that's bullshit. They were laying people off, and they took advantage of a good, honest army man simply because he has 4 children, and therefore he costs them more for insurance, and they keep his office mate who played computer games, checked his personal email, and never turned in projects on time because he was cheaper to keep on staff. I hate that school. Anyways, he comes back for Iraq the for 2nd time right before Thanksgiving break this year (10th grade) after serving another full-term. He has been applying for jobs but can't find one because he is older than most applicants and winds up willingly applying for another army deployment. He will find out whether he has been accepted or not this coming February, but until then, he has to sit around the house, running errands, cleaning, making his best sorry attempts to cook, and feeling useless. So any time he has anything to do, he tries to make the most of it.

Now happens to be one of those times he has some sort of a mission, and like usual, he is trying a bit to hard. "Sit up, Kerry!" He says, "You need to take some medicine."
"In a minute." I mumble, fully aware that taking medicine means drinking something, and I never eat or drink anything in the morning until I weigh myself. I fully intend to get up to weigh myself right away and then take the Tylenol or whatever he has brought me, but he does not believe me.
"Now, Kerry." He says firmly, "I don't want you to fall back asleep until you've taken it."
"Kerry...." Ana whispers in my ear, "You know you'll weigh more if you drink anything before your scale and mirror session!"
"Ugh. I know." I say aloud to both of them. Then to my dad I say, "What did you bring me to take it with?"
"Some of that Arizona Green Tea that mom brought you." He sighs, becoming impatient. "The diet kind."
"Good." Ana purrs. "At least they didn't try to pump you full of the sugary kind."
I know, right? I think to her, I love being southern and all, but they put to much sugar and fat in everything! Even tea that's supposed to be good for you. 
"Kerry," Ana says, starting to sound nervous, "I don't think he's going to leave until you take it."
Dammit. I think, Why does he have to be so annoying sometimes?
"Because he loves you." Ana whispers, "And he thinks he knows what's best for you, which clearly, is wrong, because I know what's best for you."
Should I just take it then... I ask her mentally, Even though it's before I've weighed myself?
"You're going to have to, sweetie." Ana strokes my forehead, pulling back a little from the heat of my fever, "But it doesn't look like he brought very much, so it shouldn't mess up your weight too much."

Finally, I roll over and sit up, accepting the medicine and tea. I try to take the smallest sips I can, but he insists I finish the whole cup of over-sweetened liquid. I sigh and obey, too sick too complain, really. I still can't help but think that its going to screw up my weigh-in. He finally leaves and takes the little pink cup with him, and I fall asleep for another few hours.

When I finally get up around lunch time, I go to the bathroom before I weigh myself to try and get rid of the tea, which probably was still mostly there. The scale reads that I have lost 1.4 lbs. That's better, but still not good enough. I was just laying around all day yesterday, and even though I drank plenty, trust me, plenty of green tea yesterday, I only drank about 1/3 of it with Fiber Splenda. Most of what I drank was the Diet Arizona green tea, like this morning.

"Ana," I whine to the skinny girl standing next to me, "Why is it that I don't lose as much as I used to?"
"Because you don't work as hard as you used to." She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Duh!"
"Well," I begin, "What I did ABC this time last year I lost at least 2 pounds every day."
"Not on the 500 days, you didn't." She chides, "You only lost 1 on those days too."
"Oh." I glare at the insubordinate scale. "You had better start telling me better numbers."
"Don't worry sweetheart," Ana smiles, resting her chin on my shoulder and reaching around me to give me a gentle hug, "It will. I promise. It will."

I shuffle to the kitchen, unsure of what to eat. I had formed a plan for today on Monday, but unaware that i would be getting sick, I had not planned to eat any of my Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup. Clearly I would need to reorganize my meal plan for today, which I always hate doing.

"Okay Ana," I look up from my calculator to where she stands, writing in my food journal, "My lunch will be 157.5 Calories since I'm going to eat the whole can of soup which has 1 3/4 servings of soup with 90 Calories per serving."
"Not too bad." She says, "You should eat a Vitamuffin for breakfast. Go for the triple chocolate so you won't crave chocolate later."
"Yeah." I agree, "Good thing those all have 100 Calories no matter which flavor I pick. I think tomorrow I'll have pumpkin."
Ana claps her hands happily. "Wonderful! Its good for you to be planning ahead."
"I like to anyways." I shrug, "It makes me feel so in control."
"Oh Kerry, " Her face lights up like a million tiny candles, "Isn't that just a delightful feeling?"
"Absolutely." I smile at her, so happy for myself. "But what can I eat for dinner that will finnish off my calories for the day without going over?"
"Well," She looks back down at the page, legs swinging from on top of my kitchen counter, eyes scrutinizing the numbers, "You have... lets see... 42.5 Calories left."
"What on earth has 42.5 Calories?" I look at her puzzled. "I mean, I'm fine if its a little less than that, but there is no way I'm gong over."
"Good girl." She squeals happily as she jumps down from the counter, "You have such great control."
"I am shocked by the compliment, but accept it. "Now to find something I can eat."

We wander around the kitchen, staring at things, and checking nutrition labels. I am mad at my soup for not letting me have 50 calories left over, because then I could have one of my key lime Fiber One yogurts. After we have tired of looking through the pantry, we head to the refrigerator.

'You know, Ana, I don't even think I'm hungry anymore." I search her face for a reaction. "I think I could just stay under for those Calories."
"I'm sorry dear, but no." Ana says, surprising me as she opens the refrigerator door. She pulls out a bag of baby carrots, and giggles, "35 calories per serving!"
"Well," I begin, and pull the kitchen scale off the counter, "How much is a serving?"
"3 oz." She says, looking at the little orange vegetables.

I set the scale down, placing a bowl on top of the pan, and then I make sure the scale is zeroed to exclude the weight of the bowl. I watch the little arrow carefully as it creeps around to finally reach 3 oz as Ana drops the 9th carrot into the bowl.

"Viola!" Ana exclaims, "35 Calories! Bon appetite!" 
"Thank you, Ana." I laugh as a begin to crunch on the veggies. As I reach the last carrot, I notice that Ana is back in the fridge. "Ana, what are you doing?"
"Trying to find something with 7.5 Calories in it." She answers me as if it the most obvious thing in the world.
"But why?" I question, "Aren't I close enough?"
"That's what I said last time." She shuts the door to look me straight in the eyes. "I am not taking any chances with you this time. You're going to get as close as you can to the limit without going over. I don't want you to feel deprived and binge." She hands over a jar of pickles and I set them on the counter next to the scale. She continues to stare at me, and then adds, "I want you to love the hunger because you know you are doing a good job, not focus on calories you could have eaten."
Somehow, her words make me feel inferior, but I know she's right. "I feel stronger this time though."
"Maybe so," She sighs, "But are you strong enough to last the whole 50 days? Last time you felt strong the first few days, but only made it to day 10."
I look at the ground, instantly ashamed. "You're right." I breathe, "As usual."
"I know." She smiles and steps forward to hold me in her tiny cold arms. "I love you."
"I love you too, Ana!" Her words bring extra comfort to me as I begin to measure out 1 1/2 servings of pickles to bring me to exactly 300 Calories. "It just seems like so much."
"Lets see if you still think that by day 11." Her words are clearly a warning to be strong, but the fact that she thinks I can break my record is inspiring and fills me with extra resolve. "Now lets fix you some tea and go back upstairs. I have a surprise for you!"

Once upstairs, I sit down on my bed and Ana pushes my baby lappity-top at me. "I downloaded an e-book of Wasted from PrettyThin for you, and look at this!" She pulls a book out from behind her back. "I got this from the library for you last night."
I take the book from her and flip it over to examine the front cover. "Wintergirls!" I exclaim happily, "I've wanted to read this for a while!"
"I know, lovely," She says, grinning a childish smile at me, "I brought it so you can distract yourself by reading it any time you are afraid you'll binge."

I am immediately engrossed in the pages and read until I fall back asleep a few hours later.

ABCDiet Jour Deux

I wake up in the morning, fear and panic gripping my heart so tightly I am afraid that it will shatter. I am breathing hard. A wave of disappointment crashes over my fragile  mind. I can't believe what I have done! How am I going to tell Chels and Kelly that I failed? I am just like the girl I was talking about yesterday! Why do I always screw everything up?

"Kerry..." A soft voice whispers near my still closed eyes, "It was just a dream."

I sigh a breath of relief, and thoughts of remorse and guilt for a binge that never actually happened drain from my mind like sand in a funnel. My pounding heart slows to normal, and I stop freaking out.

"It was just so REAL, Ana!" I shake my head disbelievingly. "I dreamed about the most terrible, horrid binge! Does that ever happen to other people?
"Darling, for a moment there, I thought you were going to ask if NORMAL people dream of binges. I was going to say, 'Probably not, since they don't restrict like you do, and aren't scared of eating too much and getting fat like you are.'" She chuckles and smiles. "Don't worry about it. It was just a dream."

At that moment, I hear foot steps coming towards my door. The sound of the door handle turning sends Ana diving under my bed. My father walks in and starts to try to wake me up.
"Kerry! Get up! Its almost 7:00! You're going to make your sister late for her safety patrol duty!" He pauses for breath and then continues shouting. "I know you were up late because of Driver's Ed last night but you can't sleep in anymore!"
"Dad!" I interrupt his obnoxiously loud ramblings, "I AM awake already!"
"Then get up." He tries to reason with me. Unfortunately I don't like to be reasoned with in the mornings.
"Its too cold." I whimper, "I can't get up if I'm freezing to death!"
"Well you know you're mom won't turn up the thermostat." He says.
"Yeah!" My little sister pops her head into my room. "Suck it up, Kerry!"
"FINE!" I shout, standing up and immediately burying my icy hands in my sweatshirt's front pocket. "Happy? I'm awake. I'm up. What more do you want?"
My sister ducks out of the room, perhaps to save herself from being witness to an explosion... And my dad sighs. "What do you want me to fix you for breakfast?"

My mind races to the little green and blue notebook in my backpack. I can't reach into it and grab the book to tell him what I've scheduled. I look around frantically trying to remember what I wrote for today while he rambles about poptarts, bagels, scrambled eggs, and if I'd like a cupcake for breakfast since I didn't have any yesterday. What day is it today? I think to myself, 500 Calories yesterday... Is it Wednesday? Yeah. I think its Wednesday. Wednesday means its the 3rd day of ABC... which means 300 Calories, which means I think I scheduled a Fiber One Yogurt? Yep. That's it. Way to go me!

After what must have been forever, and probably making my dad think I had fallen asleep standing up, I reply that I hate orange cupcakes, and would he please stop offering them to me? "Besides... The little girls might not care about getting balanced nutrition, but I certainly do, and the fast thing I want is straight sugar for breakfast."
"Cupcakes aren't straight sugar, Kerry..." My dad starts to object, but I cut him off.
"You're right," For once, I add in my head, "They also have carbs." I roll my eyes and shrug. "I think I'll just get a yogurt for myself."

He is finally convinced that I really am awake, and leaves my doorway as I start to trudge in a zombie-like fashion towards my mom's bathroom where my scale is. I wonder where Ana has gone, and suddenly notice she is right behind me. When I see her, I almost trip down the stairs.

"Ana!" I hoarsely whisper, "Can they see you? What about hearing you? What are you doing?!?"
"Don't worry, sweetheart," She pats my shoulder, which I interpret as the signal to keep walking down the stairs. "They can't see or hear me. I'm only in your head, not theirs." With that she smiles and adds, "But it certainly wouldn't hurt your mom to listen to me too!"
I stifle a laugh, nearly chocking on myself and whisper, "oh god, tell me about it. Mom is huge! She probably weighs nearly 300 pounds!"
"Yeah." She nods. "Its gross."
"Oh, Ana," My eyes are wide and I stare earnestly into hers as I recount, "She is mostly why I'm so scared to gain weight. I NEVER want to end up like her!"
"Keep moving girly, the scale ain't coming to you." She gives me a gentle push and then adds, "Don't worry. I'll never let you end up like that, unbearably huge and disgusting. I have no idea why your father hasn't left her. I know I would!"


A few minutes later I am staring at my on-and-off friend: the scale. I am extremely disappointed when I look at the stupid little red screen. "Ana," I whine at her, "I only lost one pound! Exactly one! Un! Ein! Uno!" I don't even wait for her response, but text my ana text buddy and my BFF Chels, both of whom are doing the ABCDiet with me. Chels replies first and I am slightly less discouraged when I read her message.



"Aw Im srry girly! At least UR losing weight. 1 is bettr then 0."

"true. I just wish it was more! I mean I followed ABC perfect!"

She says some more encouraging words to me, but I'm not really paying attention to them. I am so wrapped up in the horror of the possibility that the ABC won't work this time, I can barely focus on that I'm reading. My phone buzzes again, so I flip it open and see that Kelly has replied!

"Did you eat too much?"
"No! I followed the ABC perfectly! I worked out yesterday too!"
"Did you drink green tea?"
"Ugh. Must be it. I only had about a cup. The rest was water."

"Well then," Ana looks at me carefully, "We know what the problem is. Drink extra green tea today."
"Yeah. I guess you're right" I grumble. "What do you do when life hands you lemons? Make green tea!" I roll my eyes in false hilarity. 
"But that's so true!" Ana laughs as we walk into the kitchen to grab my breakfast.

 When I get to school I see Chels and I immediately start grumbling to her. "I hate Wednesdays."
"Um, Kerry?" She offers hesitantly, "Today isn't Wednesday."
I gasp in shock and my heart starts racing frantically for the second time this morning. Instantly I see a fellow cheerleader walk by in her uniform. We have a game Tuesday, and my mental calendar is off. Just my luck. Okay! Time to wake up now! I scream in my head.
"Sorry, babe," Ana puts her thin graceful hand on my shoulder. "This time you're not dreaming."
Chels looks at her questioningly, and Ana gives her the 'not now' look. "Kerry," Ana says, "You need to rearrange your food schedule for today... I think you ate the wrong breakfast."
"Oh god Kerry, did you eat to much?" Chels instantly asks me, "Are you okay?"
"She's fine." Ana whispers to her. "It was only a 50 Calorie yogurt."
"Yeah," I mutter under my breath, "But now I have to recalculate. I was young to eat oatmeal."

I leave the two of them to talk at my locker for a moment while I try to reach my mom on the phone in the 10 minutes before 1st period starts. After I have tried calling her cell 3 times, and her office once, I finally get a hold of her. "Mom?" I ask frantically into the reciever, "Can you bring me my cheer uniform and leave it in the office?"
"No, sweetie, I can't," She sighs, "I have to leave early from work and I can't leave to get something for you. Call your father."
"Mum, you know I can't do that!" I am nearly in tears. "He won't be able to find all the pieces and accessories!"
"How about I pick you up right after lunch and you go home and change?" She suggests, unknowing that I didn't do my homework for my afternoon classes and desperately need my lunch time to do the assignments.
"Okay." I say, and hang up the phone. I step back in the building and rejoin Chels and Ana to go to class.

By 2nd hour, I am feeling terrible. I have a headache, I am feeling light-headed and dizzy, and the sinking feeling in my stomach is driving me crazy. On the way to P.E. I give my mom another call and let her know I am feeling sick. I have decided to pull my poor health card and skip afternoon classes AND the game to catch up on the homework. Once I am finally home about 2 hours later, I eat my frozen Weight Watchers Alfredo Florentine and am about to go upstairs to my room when Ana taps me on the shoulder and smiles.
"How about you eat your dinner now to? That way you'll feel too full and sick and you won't want anything for the rest of the day?"
This plan is surprisingly brilliant, so I oblige. I put the Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal in the microwave and find our container of ground cinnamon. I have 5 Calories left, and though I was thinking about just not using them, 1/4 tsp. cinnamon is 5 Calories. "Perfect!" I say to Ana, "You are a genius!"
"Ha!" She punches my arm teasingly. "Tell me something I DON'T know."

I finish my food and walk upstairs content to do my homework and sleep for the rest of the day.

ABCDiet Jour Un

Ana stands in front of me holding my food journal. She glances up with an approving smile on her face. "Day 1: 500 Calories..." She directs her eyes back down to the page. "Breakfast - Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal - 160 Calories. Lunch - Healthy Choice Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo - 270 Calories. So far so good, love!" She smiles at me warmly and with a beautiful approving look on her face. "Dinner - Fiber One Yogurt - 50 Calories. Snacks - 4 pieces of gum - 20 Calories. Drinks - Water and Green Tea - 0 Calories."
I absorb her praise very gratefully. "And the exercise? Did you see it?"
"Exercise - Elliptical - 291 Calories, various weight machines, inclined sit ups, and lots of stretching! Good job, sweetie!" She smiles and hands me back the notebook. "I am so proud of you for resisting coffee too. You didn't build it into your plan but you stuck with it anyways!"
"Well," I begin, "It was super easy to get out of eating a big dinner because I stayed at school until 8:30 pm because of my Driver's Ed class. I just told my mom I ate dinner at school, but was hungry again when I ate the yogurt."
"Brilliant!" She wraps her thin, cold arms around my shoulders and gives me a little squeeze. "I couldn't have done better myself!"
"Um, Ana?" I look at her with a skeptical, but teasing eye. "Yes, yes you could have."
She throws back her head in a laugh and says "You're right! I always do." She smiles and wipes her bangs from her face. "But we're talking about you now. Not me."
"Ana, I was reading a blog about a girl with EDNOS for thinspiration, and I noticed something..." I pause, slightly unsure as to weather or not I want to change the topic. I love Ana's praise, but she seems abnormally happy. "This girl starts out well, loses a bunch of weight, but then binges her heart out, cries about it, binges some more, cries, tries to fast, fails, cuts, tries again, fails, binges, tries to purge, fails, goes missing in action, binges, cries, fails, etc. Its always the same. I haven't caught up on it all, but if she doesn't start making progress soon, all its going to be is reverse thinspo! Its super annoying. I just wish I could find people to look up to and inspire me!"
"Well darling, Some people just don't have resolve." She shrugs. Its very evident from her expression that she doesn't care about this other girl. "EDNOS is very different from me, so its not really something you can compare yourself to."
"That's true." I sigh. "I don't get it, but reading about her constant failure it making me depressed. I mean, sure, it keeps me distracted, and sure its something I can try NOT to do, but if it doesn't start getting better soon maybe I'll just quit reading it? I don't know."
"Maybe you should tell her that." She rolls her eyes at the obvious lack of self-control evident written on the screen. "It might knock some sense into her."
"I started reading her blog at the earliest entries and I'm working my way up. I'm still a year in her blog's past, but it isn't getting better." I lean back against my pillows and shrug. "I think I'll at least read up to the present before I stop following her blog."
"Okay then." She smiles and kisses my forehead, embracing me in her tiny, little arms. "I just don't want this to make you stumble like watching 'Supersize vs. Superskinny' did. You mean well giving yourself negative thinspo, but after a while you start to wonder why you bother. If I tell you to stop following her. I expect you to stop right away."

I smile and hug her back. She is so beautiful. The only thing I crave is to be like her.

Post Pig Day

"Ana!" I scream, "Look at this!" I am standing on a large white square that looks a bit like a plastic tile. A maroon scream with bright red numbers reads an abormally huge number at the top.
"Darling, I warned you didn't I?" Ana sits on the edge of the tub kicking her feet back and forth. "Look at things positively... at least you didn't gain back all the weight that you lost yesterday!"
"Yeah," I glare at her cheerfulness, "By two ounces..." I look at the number one last time as I step off the scale and it resets to 0. What a beautiful number - "0"... Double it and that's the pants size I want to wear.
"That would be beautiful," Ana says, reading my mind, "Wouldn't it?" She giggles and jumps up from her makeshift seat. Her face drops again and she whines, "But you have a long time to go from here."
"Yeah." I halfheartedly agree. I send my terrible news to my pro-ana text buddies and my best friend Chels, and look back at the waif-like girl next to me. "Ana, I don't think I'm going to eat today."
"Wow, What a resolution!" She shrugs sarcastically, then freezes. "Wait, you mean, like, your going to fast?"
"Yeah!" I smile at her, "Its the least I can do in return for you letting me have a day off yesterday night."
Immediately she wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her. "I am so proud of you!"
Her words inspire me, ans a happy chill runs down my spine. "I would try to fast for 4 days straight, but I am starting the ABC diet tomorrow."
"Oh, but you could fast anyways." She looks at me with her big beautiful eyes. "The numbers for the ABC diet are the limit. you CAN stay under if you want."
"No offense, but I'm going to try to stay exactly at the numbers, Ana." I am afraid of hurting her, but I am also afraid of failing again. "I want to get in as much as I can within the limits so I can stick with it this time and not burn out because of weakness. I'm sure you remember what happened last time..." I look down at my fat feet and trail off.
"You got to day ten. You were lying on the couch unable to stand from exhaustion, texting a boy."
"Josh" I fill in for her. "Not a person of interest. Just a friend"
"But he wishes he was more than that!" She winks at me.
"Meh..." I shrug, "He just wants inside my pants."
She throws her head back and laughs. This is the most entertained I've ever seen her. "That's true. That's true." She is still smiling as she continues with her story. "So your texting Josh, bragging, however foolishly, about how you aren't hungry and aren't going to eat. He tells you that you should. You tell him that, NO, you really shouldn't. You are too fat. He says of course your not you are the hottest girl in 2nd hour speech class."
With that line, I grin sheepishly at the floor examining my toenails. A thought occurs to me and I interrupt her for a second time. "Ana, should I do anything about my nails? They're turning blue."
She looks at me with a neutral face. "What do you think?" She replies simply.
"Well its extremely inspiring to see the blue tint." I start, "But I don't want anyone to get suspicious or anything."
"No one ever has before..." She rolls her eyes. "No one has ever associated the tinted nails with me. Besides... no one pays that close attention to your nails unless you call attention to them."
"Okay!" I smile at her, thankful for her assistance in my reasoning. "I'll leave them as weirdly random thinspo."
"You are so strange!" She laughs and then continues the story again. "You realize you can't go to school in the morning if you can't even stand, and you abandon me and beautiful diet all because you let a compliment from a skirt-chaser go to your head. Now you tell me what happened next."
"I go M.I.A. (missing in action) from my text buddy at the time and next thing I know, she too is abandoning you because she likes how food makes her feel happy again."
"Then you have no one to keep you accountable and after your old websites all get frozen, you are plunged into Compulsive Over Eating, and it takes you an extremely long time to come back to me for good."

The shame fills my mind, screaming for me to be punished for my unfaithfulness. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I burst out with a wailing "Ana, I'm so sorry! I was wrong! I shouldn't have left! I should have trusted you! Why don't I ever listen? All you do is only for my own good. Why did I ever leave? I could be itsy-bitsy by now if I'd only stayed!"
"Ssshhhh..." Ana pulls me close and rests her chin on top of my head. She wipes at the tears which have been torrenting out of my eyes like a salty waterfall. "Crying won't help you sweetheart! Just remember that failure when your tempted to quit this time. Everything will be okay baby-doll. You'll do just fine. Just think: 7 weeks from today you'll be standing on this scale and in front of this mirror and you'll have a great reason to be proud, love!"

A Day of Grace

Its been a few days since Ana and I renewed our friendship, and today, I find myself on my knees. My left forearm rests on the side of the tub and my hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail. In my right hand I hold a tooth brush and I take a deep breath and put it in my mouth. backwards. My hand rests on the bristles and I begin to shove the the handle to the back on my throat, instantly gagging. I am disappointed when after 5 attempts the only thing in the bowl besides toilet water is a vile-tasting, bitter, yet sour liquid I can only assume is water mixed with stomach acid and the tiny bit of soup I had for lunch. A tear rolls down my cheek as I stare blankly into the bowl, nearly dropping my toothbrush into the polluted water. I rock back only my heels as a sound disturbs my gloomy meditation - the sound of the shower curtain rustling.

I glance up and notice Ana sitting on the far edge of the tub. She looks at me with a curious expression. "Darling," she starts, "May I ask what on earth you are doing?"
"What does it look like?" I mutter exasperatedly, "I am trying to purge my lunch."
"But why, Kerry?" A smile is playing at the corners of her lips. "You didn't go over the calorie limit for today. Why are you trying to undo the food you ate?"
"Well, Ana, I keep spitting up food anyway, not nausea like I'm sick, but just... spitting it up."
She interrupts me, the festering smile finally breaking full across her thin, angelic face. "Your stomach has shrunken some more! There just isn't room for the food with all that glorious water and green tea you've been drinking." A cloud passes over her eyes as she realizes I hadn't finished talking. "I'm sorry dear, continue."
"Well, I just wanted to get rid of the food so I can lose more weight, that's all." I shrug, "That, and my mum is taking me out to dinner as a belated birthday present, and there's no way I can get out of eating at my own birthday party when everyone is watching me so closely."
"I see your problem." She immediately looks sad and I cringe at the thought that I will be disappointing her. "I will let it slide as a belated birthday, late Christmas, delayed new year's, and early Valentine's Day present combined."

I am instantly relieved as I stand up to rinse off the brush and try to flush out the vomit which as inadvertently started to burn the inside of my nose. Ana stands and walks over to the mirror where I am standing and gazes at our reflections. I too am entranced by the image before me. I see on the right, a girl with chocolate-brown hair, blue eyes, a round face, fat arms, and only the faintest trace of collarbones visable. On the left, I see a beautifully thin girl with wispy, light hair, a thin face, arms without the slightest ounce of fat on them, perfect collarbones and two ribs showing above the top of her shirt, as if carved from unblemished ivory.

"Ana," I whisper wistfully, "I want to look just like you."
"I know, darling, I know." She reaches over to stroke my silky hair. My hair is my only good quality. My hair is thick and full and dark. Exactly the opposite of what I want my body to be - thin, empty, and light. Ana wraps her skinny wrists around my shoulders and whispers into my ear so softly I can barely hear. "You will soon. You will be the most beautiful girl on earth. But for today, I will allow you an uberbinge. Do you know why I would let you do that?"
"So I can remember it when I want to binge?" I am pretty sure I am right.
"Yes!" she squeezes my shoulders one last time before releasing her arms, but immediately I wish they were back. "It will be a very ling time before you can even justify a binge. You will trick your body into metabolizing more of that fat," she pauses for what I assume is dramatic effect and pokes my left thigh, then continues, "And it will think you've stopped starving yourself. Maybe even this way you will be so full you can fast for more than 4 days straight."
"But Ana, I thought I was going to start the ABC Diet with Kelly and Chels on Monday?"
"Oh, right!" She does a mock face-palm and smiles. "You couldn't let down your text buddy or your best friend. They're counting on you. Maybe this way you can get past day 10 on ABC unlike every other time when you miserably fail 1/5 the way through the diet."

My head drops in shame, and when I look back up, Ana has gone. I walk into my room to change into clothes to go to the restaurant and she is sitting on the edge of my bed, and her smile has returned. Next to her is a pile of clothes I assume she has picked out for me. She hands me a pair of gray skinny jeans with fleur-de-lis on the back pockets. I send her a questioning look, and she just smiles.

"Try them on dearest," She places the heap of denim into my outstretched arms and pats the top of them reassuringly. "I think you will be pleasantly surprised!"
I am ready for the guilt trip I feel is coming on. She knows I bought them over the holidays and I had to wriggle and do the skinny-pants dance to fit my huge thighs into the cute fabric. I hold them out and step one leg in. I am about to reach down to squeeze them higher up my leg, when I realize its all the way on... without struggling! Excitedly, I step into the other leg.

"They actually fit me right!"I squeal and jump up and down... comfortably. I gasp as I realize what I have just done. "I can move around in them too!"
"See?" Ana brushes my bangs away from my face and kisses the top of my head. She rests her hands on the sides of my arms and looks straight, deeply into my eyes. "You are making lots of progress. 3 lbs yesterday? I'm impressed!"
I know I am about to eat a very huge amount of calories at dinner, but her praise rings in my ears and I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I meditate on this compliment as Ana walks out the door with a quick promise to return tomorrow. I return my gaze to the mirror where The result of restriction smiles at me and shows off her slightly slimmer thighs.

Coming Back

I opened the laptop that I had been given for Christmas. Christmas... Too many cookies, cakes, chocolates, treats, too much indulgent food. I not only gained weight, I was almost all the way up to my high weight.What a whale. Anyways, back to my computer. Pressing the power button was like a knock on the door into a little daydream. . .


*knock knock knock*
"Hello?" I hear a voice call out from behind the closed door. "Kerry, is that you?"
"Yes," I hesitate, "Its me. again. I'm sorry to bother you but-"

At that moment the door flies open and I am cut off by a glomming hug from a friend I have not seen in an extremely long time.

"Ana!" I try to start again, "I'm really sorry to bother you..."
"Never mind that." She says holding up her hand gesturing me into silence. "I have been waiting a very long time for you to come back - Longer than usual."
"Ana, I have finally decided to stop trying to be normal. I know Its never going to happen. I am just too different. When I tried to eat 'normally' I just swung into compulsive over eating! It was just so hard! It was too much-"

She cuts me off again. I am glad. I really hate trying to make up excuses for her.

"Darling, I know. I have been watching you. I know how you have failed. I know about all those cookies. I know about the cheesecake. I know about the popcorn, and the ice cream, and the soda, and the EVERYTHING! I also know you're ready to return. It'll be harder this time though, I am warning you."
"I know. I'm ready for a challenge. I just want to be thin." I hang my head in shame. "I just wish I hadn't let myself go. I am such a fat cow! I-"

"Shhhh." She interrupts. "Save those words for when you need them most or they will cease to mean anything to you."
"I know, Ana." I look into her eyes. "I'm sorry."
She pulls me into her arms. "I am just happy you're here. I am just happy that you are safe."

 I can feels her thin arms around my shoulders, and I desperately wish I was thin like her.

"I want to be beautiful, Ana!" By now I am almost in tears. "I want to be the envy of my school! The best flier on my cheer squad! But as it is..."
"...You get overlooked and never get to participate?" She looks at me, her eyes filling with pity. "Let me help you, dear. Let me help you reach your dreams."
"Yes, please, Ana, that is why I came back. I was wrong to leave. I just want to be beautiful and thin. I just want people to stop thinking of me as one of the fat ones. I just want to be beautiful!" I choke on the last word and as I try to wipe the tears out of the corners of my eyes a gasping sob escapes my lips and I stop trying not to cry.
"Its okay." She pulls my head close to her and rests her cheek against my forehead. Immediately I feel better and my sobs start to subside. She runs her hands through my hair and strokes the wisps away from my face. "You're safe with me."