ABCDiet Jour Vingt-Huit

I tossed and turned all night. I woke up about every 2 hours, finally glancing at my new text messages and getting up at 7:50 am.
"Good morning, dear." Ana's melodic voice drifts from the foot of my bed to my tired ears. "You know, I'm not the one causing your insomnia."
"I know." I never thought she had been. "Its the Hypercalcimia."
"That's also why you're sore and sluggish." Ana says innocently. "None of that is my fault."
"Its also a good excuse for not eating." I look at her with a wicked grin on my face. "Hypercalcimia causes a decreased appetite, so my parents won't suspect an eating disorder."
"But that's not the only reason you're able to get this far in your diet sweetie." She swings her feet over the side of my bed and sits next to me. "You are strong." She pokes my thigh and both of us stare disgustedly at how much the fat on it gives. "That's nothing your will power won't fix."

I stand and walk toward the kitchen. I had prepared this morning's breakfast last night. The deformed, buttery, half cooked biscuits from yesterday had turned into a crust in a square glass dish. I had used up the last of the partially empty box of eggs and mixed it with the last of the open bag of shredded cheddar cheese, then poured it into the bottom of the biscuit-crust. Next I had cooked a forever-ancient, mostly empty bag of fatty Jimmy Dean sausages just enough to melt away the remaining ice that I had been unable to get off, and so I could chop them into tiny little pieces. I had spread them in a layer thick enough that no more egg underneath it was visible. Lastly I had taken a few eggs from the full box and mixed them with the remainder of a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese from the spaghetti pie from the night before. I poured the egg mixture over the sausages. Most of the egg, but some of the cheese, sank in between the sausage bits. Most of the cheese, but some of the egg stayed on top of the greasy meat.

When I pull the breakfast casserole out of the refrigerator, I put it in the oven for a few minutes, and then move it to cook the rest in the microwave. When it is finished, I cut a slice of the banana bread I made yesterday for everyone, butter them, heat them long enough to melt the fat into the sugary carbs, and put each slice on a plate. On each of the 4 plates, I proceed to place a slice of the breakfast casserole. I take a plate to everyone, and then reopen the freezer to figure out what I will use today's 200 calories on.

"You should eat some of your Morning Star veggie sausages." Ana whisperes, taking the box off the top shelf of the freezer, "Your mom knows you hate regular sausages, but you'll still be eating basically the same thing as them."
"1 serving of those sausages is two links, which is 80 calories..." I trail off a bit, "an egg is 70..." I pull out my calculator and punch in the numbers. "That would give me 50 calories left."
"Perfect!" She giggles, "You can have the last of your Fiber One key lime pie flavored yogurts!"
"I love it when things work out so evenly like that!" I say to her, "It just makes me so happy!"
"You are one crazy little girl!" Ana laughs as she wraps her thin, beautiful arms around my shoulders. "But that's why I love you so much."

I cook the veggie sausages and egg, grab the yogurt out of the freezer, get a baby spoon to eat the yogurt, and a fork to eat the rest, and walk to the living room where my mom is checking her email on her Mac Book Pro. She looks at me as I sit down, and asks: "Why aren't you eating the breakfast casserole?"
"I don't like regular sausages. They make me feel extra nauseated." I look at her with an innocently blank face. "But I'm still eating basically the same thing as the rest of you, just the way I like them. I really made the casserole with Dad in mind."
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. That's right." My mother looks at me with sympathetic eyes only a mother can have. "I forgot the greace in meat sausages made you feel sicker."
"Yeah..." I pretend to look disappointed. "But I'm eating two veggie sausages, and an egg, but I don't like my yolk and whites to mix, and I like more pepper on my eggs. I'm eating the yogurt instead of banana bread because the butter on the bread makes me feel bad too." The last part was a total lie.
"And your not eating any of the crust made from deformed, store brand, butter-already-in-the-dough biscuits, or either kind of the fatty cheese!" Ana says, but only I can hear her from where she stands behind my chair. "I'm sure you are eating less than a third of the calories they are."

I eat my food where my mo can see me eating every last bit of it. I want to be sure she thinks I'm eating relatively normally. When I finish, I stand and take my dishes back to the kitchen along with the dishes of everyone else who has finished their breakfast. I return to the living room, and pause before going up the stairs to my room. "Mom?" I get her attention. "I am feeling really sore and terrible." This is true. I really am. "I'm going to go back upstairs and take a nap. If I'm not awake by lunch time, my plan for lunch is for us to eat the leftover spaghetti pie, a can of green beans, and buttered cheese-bread toast."
"Okay." She smiles, "I can handle that for you. You try to get some rest."
"And by 'take a nap' we mean update all the ED websites you are a member of, and message all the Pro-Ana Text buddies in your contact list." Ana smirks, "You are really a great actress."
Tell me something I don't know. I think sarcastically to her so no one else will hear, I want to be a famous professional actress.
"The best actresses are skinny." She looks at me very seriously. "So are the best female singers."
"I know." I sigh. "And since I want to be both of those, I am working on being skinny. I want to be discovered as soon as possible... Like that'll ever happen though."
"Aw." She rubs my back a little, "Be more optimistic! Next time you go to a discovery convention, they'll be tons more likely to pick you since you've lost weight. Really, there aren't a lot of roles that call for a fat teenage girl."
"You have a point." I say, "Maybe next time, I'll have better luck."
"I'm sure you will sweetheart," She kisses my forehead. "You were born to be famous."

A few hours later, I am planning my food for the next day. I have 1 veggie sausage left, which is 40 calories. I am out of Kashi GoLean Oatmeal which would be 150 Calories, but I do have cinnamon Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal which is 160 Calories. That would equal 200 exactly! I just wouldn't be able to add any cinnamon. Too bad. I like adding cinnamon because it boosts one's metabolism. Oh well.

"I bet by tomorrow you'll have dropped under 130 lbs." Ana's voice draws me out of my planning. "I mean, you have been really close the past few days, and your last measurement was 130.2 lbs! I am sure you have!"
"I hope so." I sigh. "I am really, really tired of seeing 13_._ lbs on the scale. I wanna see the 2nd digit drop."
"You deserve to see it drop." Ana looks at me earnestly, "You've been good! I mean, granted you haven't been able to work out as much as either of us would have liked because you've been sick and had make up work and trash like that, but you've followed my plan exactly!"
"Ugh." I groan, rubbing my sore neck, "I wouldn't want otherwise. I have barely had any cravings or desires to go over the limit. I'm quite satisfied."
"That is music to my ears, darling." She touches her cold hand to my equally cold one. "Its just beautiful."
I smile. Her praise is so important to me. I want to bask in the sunlight of that proud smile. "Actually I'm afraid to have a binge at the end. I was going to allow myself to eat a few things that I had to cut out because I don't know their exact value, but I'm so scared I'll gain weight!"
"Aw, sweetheart..." A look of concern crosses her face. "You'll know what to do."
"Honestly, Ana," I look into her eyes searching for answers. "I'm even scared of the 800 Calorie day coming up this week. That's 3x the amount of food I had today. It's WAY more than I've been eating recently. TONS more!"
"That's okay." She says, "Its to trick your body into thinking you've stopped starving yourself."
"But what if it makes the scale go up?" I shudder at the thought. "What if it makes me gain like, 10 lbs back?!?"
"No need to get hysterical." She tries to calm me down. "It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. There's a fast after that, remember?"
"Right." I close my eyes trying to block the image of a huge number on the scale from my mind. "But what if it isn't enough? What if I turn into a whale again?"
"Listen." Ana says to me, grasping my shoulders and looking intently into my eyes, "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No."
"Would I ever lie to you?"
"NO."
"Do you think I am lying to you?"
"NEVER!"
"Well then you just need to trust me." She smiles again, relaxing her iron grip on my shoulders. "You're going to be eating healthy food, with lots of protein and fiber and not much fat."
"Well what else would I eat?" I laugh, jokingly, "Do you think I would go crazy when I'm this nervous about it?"
"No, babe." She laughs too. "I;m just trying to reassure you that you'll be fine!"
"Maybe you should plan ahead. Start making your plan today." She suggests, "Its Sunday, so you have time to look at your freezer, and figure out which of your lunches is the highest in Calories."

We walked to the outside freezer and peered inside. one by one Ana and I looked at all of my healthy Microwave meals before deciding on a Kashi Chicken Florentine - 290 Calories for lunch, and for dinner, a veggie burger - 140 Calories, with a whole grain sandwich thin - 100 Calories, and an egg.
"That leaves me 170 Calories for breakfast and snacks." I said looking up at her as we close the freezer door and walk back to he kitchen, I could have a Weight Control oatmeal with 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon, or I could have a golden corn vitamuffin with an egg, or a dark chocolate diet jello mouse and a jello cup later..."
"Well, definately don't go with the Jello. That's for when you have no other options." She looks at me reproachfully. "As to whether you should have the muffin and egg or oatmeal... You'll have a day to decide... But I'd go with the muffin and egg. We're trying to cram as much fiber and protein in you as possible. i think that's your best bet honestly."
"Sounds good to me." I admit, "2 eggs in one day though..."
"Those suckers are FULL of protein darling." She rolls her eyes. "It does seem like a lot though... right?"
"A TON!" I laugh... "That's why-"
"You're nervous?" She finishes for me, "Trust me. Remember?"

ABCDiet Jour Vingt-Sept

Days passed and I continued to follow the ABC Diet religiously. Since the beginning of the diet, I had, to date, lost over 20 lbs. My best friend had to stop the diet due to health issues, but continued to support me. My Pro-Ana text buddy had to quit the diet because her family caught on, but she too continued to support me and started the 2468 Diet so she would be able to trick her family into believing she was eating more food.

My own family was beginning to get suspicious that I wasn't eating enough, but I always had a good excuse. "I ate at school." "We went through a drive through during Driver's Ed." "I ate before you got home from work." "I'll eat in just a minute. Let me take a plate of food to Dad." "I hate _________! (doughnuts, burgers, milkshakes, french fries, etc." "___________ makes me feel sick." "I feel nauseated. (You would be surprised how much this one works! I have a disease that causes constant nausea though... So it is perfect!)" I tried to eat as much as possible in front of my mom. Especially on lower calorie days when there aren't enough calories to take a Weight Watchers/ Lean Cuisine/ Healthy Choice/ Kashi/ Morning Star/ Lean Pockets Microwave item to school. I bought sugar free Jello, Propel Zero, and Diet Mountain Dew. My addiction to coffee turned into an addiction to Diet Mountain Dew because it has 0 Calories but still plenty of caffeine.

Valentine's Day came and passed. I told my boyfriend not to get me anything edible. He obeyed like a good little dog. <3 He bought me a beautiful red rose, and a stuffed Skelanimals Cat. I got him 1 of each of the flavors of Bi-Lo brand Poptarts. He loves Poptarts whether or not they're name brand, and he told me not to spend any money on him. I got them on a really good sale though. He forgave me. I made a million cake truffles to give to my friends and teachers. I know I'm a kiss-ass. Tell me something I don't know. I still have tons of them sitting in my freezer. I think I'm going to try and sell them. A little extra money never hurt anyone... I think....

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am. I really don't want to be awake this early. So I go back to sleep and wake up at 7-ish. I get up and I have a plan for making breakfast for my family. Cooking has become my chore, so I have actual use for my obsession with cooking things and giving them to other people to eat. I am making chicken biscuits for my family when I realize that I didn't put the biscuits on a plate! I just put them in the toaster oven! Oh god! I'm such an idiot! I think, and then say allowed, "This is a huge mess!"
"Don't worry about it sweetheart!" the familiar voice of Ana whispers in my ear, "You will think of some way to feed that mangled mess to your family anyway. You always do."
I laugh aloud, "That's true. I hate wasting food, and I love getting rid of food from the pantry and freezer that's been there for a while and forgotten."
"And its a good thing you are on ABC and don't actually EAT the food you make for your family!" She looked questioningly at the deformed chunks of partially cooked, buttery dough, and lumps of cripsy bread from where the dough had fallnen through the wires of the toaster oven. "I don't trust HALF the food you make for them."
"Well," I begin, shrugging my shoulders, "They don't have to know all the things I put in their food. I just want to use things up so I have more room for my diet foods!"
"You are so smart!" Ana giggles, kissing my forehead, "I'm proud of you. You are so strong."
"Thank you!" I smile at her, "Besides... they don't care what they're eating. They just keep buying more, and more, and more more more more!"
"Ugh." She sighs. "I know. I cannot believe how many different packages of full-fat sausages you've found and cooked for your family!"
"Gross, huh?" I wrinkle my nose in disgust. "They always get these things on sale. Buy one get one free! Buy the name brand get the store brand 50% off! Free custom coupons at the check out!"
"Hey, Hey, Hey!" She puts a hand up to stop me. "You like it when you get free diet foods."
"True." I admit. "I like it when I get things I'll be able to eat."

We laugh together as a prepare a new batch of biscuits and put the ugly ones in a bowl to use later. I prepare the rest of breakfast, and go up to my room to eat a 90 Calorie Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter snack bar in peace. I walk down stairs and grab a drink. I mean to get a Propel Zero, but accidentally drink a regular one with 10 Calories before Ana or I notice.

"Ah!" I shriek as I look more closely at the bottle, "Damn it! This is regular! it has 10 Calories I didn't plan for! Screw it. Now I can't eat a cup of sugar free Jello for dinner when my mom comes home!"
"Its okay darling." Ana says, trying to calm me down, "The limit for today is 100 Calories You didn't go over or anything."
"Yeah. I know." I sigh in regret. "I just hate wasting my Calories on drinks."
"Aw." She rubs my aching back, gently and soothingly. "I know. It'll be okay though. Its okay."
"From now on," I resolve, "I'm gonna be extra careful about drinks. Only 0 Calorie drinks until I finish ABC at least. Maybe then I'll let myself have coffee again."