Decisions... Decisions

"Ana!" I moan, "I feel like I am going to vomit."
"What's wrong sweetie?" She rushes to me quickly, "Are you okay?"
"I have no idea." I mutter, "drinking my coffee made me feel nauseated, "Eating this wrap is making me feel nauseated..."
"You didn't put real milk in your coffee did you?" She asks, "And no lactose in the wrap?"
"No, and No." I say. "Its all clean."
"Maybe you're gluten intolerant too." She suggests, "The doctor did say that was a possibility."
"Yeah." I admit, "The wrap bread does have gluten in it I think."
"Or maybe," She eyes me closely, "You're eating too much?"
"Only if part of a wrap with a scrambled egg and veggie chicken strips, containing less than 250 Calories, most of which I fed to my cats is too much." I look around to make sure there is a trash can near me just in case. "Though I do feel disgustingly full."
"The fullness is probably because your wrap had so much protein and fiber in it." She offers, "Veggie pseudomeats, eggs, those diet wraps you use..."
"...All are either high in protein, fiber, or both." I finish for her. "You know what?"
Ana looks at me expectantly, "What?"
"I think that this time through ABC, I am not always going to eat exactly the amount of calories allowed." I say, "No, I am going to try not to eat anything if I can help it, and when I do eat... the limit will be the maximum, not the exact number."
"Yay!" Ana looks happier than I have made her for a long time. "But are you sure you can do it?"
"Of course!" I shrug, "I have gone through the WHOLE ABC Diet before following the numbers EXACTLY. What's to say I can't cut back a bit? There is nothing wrong with eating less on a diet huh?"
"You're right, love!" Ana flings her arms around me and hugs me tightly. "And I have been waiting for you to say those words for a while."
I hug her back, enjoying the moment. "Ana," I say when she finally lets go, "You'll never believe what happened when I checked Pretty Thin! Actually... you probably will."
"Oh?" she says, "Will I now?"
"I got a reply back," I grin, "And there is a girl who wants to do the ABC Diet with me!"
"Good!" She is practically dancing with glee. "It's about time you gt a new buddy. After all, I am already perfect, no offense, so its not quite the same as if I was someone trying to lose weight like you."
"Oh, none taken!" I know she isn't trying to be offensive. "I just wish I was already as beautiful as you."
"You will be, baby," She whispers, "You will be. Just keep trying. Oh, and remember to bring water and a bowl for your sister's puppy when you take her running today."
"Oh trust me," I laugh, "I will. I don't want to have to carry the poor thing because she gets too tired."
"Speaking of tired," she says, "You should take a nap dear, you look exhausted."
"I am." I say, "I woke up early to go to the gym, but my mom wasn't going today."
"Aw." She says, "that's disappointing."
"Yeah." I sigh, "But her hip is bothering her again."
"That's too bad." She says, and I have to agree.
"I don't want to grow up." I whisper, "Not when all that comes with age is more work, and more pain."
"Well, darling," Ana looks at me seriously, "You have to get older. That's a fact of life. And you have to mature, but physically, you don't have to age."
"You're right." I smile. "I want to freeze my body in time as a child, and never get 'womanly curves'. That's just a term meaning FAT."
"That's my girl!" Ana claps proudly, "That's my girl."

The Close Call

My eyes open, and I look at the clock. 6:15 AM. Far to early for anyone to be getting up on summer break. Far to early. I groan and flip my blankets off of myself. I know it is too late now, and I won't be able to fall back asleep, no matter how hard I try. I had fallen asleep in my little sister's room the night before, so I try not to wake her up as I tiptoe into the bathroom. I step on the scale, and I am immediately disappointed when the scale reads no different from yesterday, or the day before. I sigh a little. I thought I had done so well yesterday! I meander down to the kitchen and begin getting out medicines and vitamins. And then...

"Period cramps!" I whisper as I drop what I am doing and crouch, trying to rid myself of the pain in my abdomen. "Damn! I remember why I hate this."
"Because its a sign of your weakness, and a clue that you haven't lost enough weight yet?" A familiar voice sounds in my ear as Ana materializes from around a corner.
"Well, that too." I sigh, ashamed, and stand up. "But also... it just hurts."
"Hmm." She agrees, leaning against the kitchen wall as she holds out a warm cup of green tea to me.
I accept it, and look up. "Sweetened with fiber enhanced Splenda?"
"Always." She nods. "Anyways, you may be relieved to know that your current pain is not, in fact, period cramps."
"No?" I turn my head and look at her sideways.
"No." The corners of her lips turn up in a knowing grin. "That's the last of your laxative working before-"
I practically drop the tea on the counter and sprint to the nearest bathroom.
"- before... well... that happens."

A little while later I am standing on the scale again. Only this time, I'm not so disappointed. I am nearly two whole pounds lighter. I know that's not permanent weight loss, but I can't help but be proud.

"I am proud of you too!" Ana squeals with delight, "Now you just need to keep that off."
"Yeah." I agree, "The only way to keep off that weight is to fast as planned, and then start ABC."
"Good girl!" Ana's eyes light up. "Keep this up, and You'll be skinny before school starts!"
I smile, a happy warmth filling my heart.
"It feels better than food," Ana smiles at me knowingly. "Doesn't it?"
"It does." I say. "Thank you."

My resolve is tested, however, within a few minutes. My parents wake up, and my dad starts making biscuits. The smell of the fresh bread fills my nose and I immediately want to eat one. As he relocates them to a bowl with the spatula, I reach out and grab one. I split it in half, and pull out my fat free butter.
"Lactose." Ana whispers in my ear.
I don't care. I tell her mentally, I'll take a lactase pill. And I open the lid. Clearly, this butter substitute has passed its prime, because the second the lid of the tub is gone, a horrible stench fills my nose. Ana gags. I wrinkle my nose and replace the lid. I feel I am going to gag as well. I cough and drop the tub into the trash. Normally I would have recycled the plastic tub, but that REALLY smells. One good thing comes of the rancid I can't believe it's not butter however, the incident gives me enough time to snap out of my blind food frenzy before I ruin my fast. I clutch my stomach and hand both pieces of the biscuit to my mother.
"I don't feel good right now." I say to her catching her eye and mouth "PERIOD." because my dad is in the room. She doesn't question me, and for this, I am grateful.

Ana and I walk back to my room so I can find a hoodie to put on over my tee because I am absolutely freezing. I can't really say its because of my incredible weight loss, however. My mom just keeps our house really cold. Terrible for the environment really, but I can't get her to change her mind.
"That was close." Ana looks at me solemnly.
"Yeah." I drop my head, thoroughly ashamed again. "Thank you for letting me stop myself though."
"No problem!" She smiles, "I knew you could do it! You just got a little closer than I would have liked. Much further, and I would have stopped you."
"I need to re-inspire myself." I lift an eyebrow. "I think I know what we're going to do today."

A New Excuse

"Well, Ana," I say looking up from the paper I have been studying, "It's official. I'm lactose intolerant."
"That's lovely!" She says, glee filling her eyes as she flings her skinny little wrists behind me. "Now you have a new excuse."
"You are so right!" I practically shriek, and then I look her straight in the eyes; "Though I highly doubt that people are usually this happy about finding out they have a restrictive dietary health condition."
She giggles. "True. Which means you must act disappointed, or even irritated when it comes up."
Her suggestion makes me laugh under my breath. "Good thing I am an actress!"
"That you are, love!" She smiles as she pats my shoulder. "Be a good girl and take these." She hands me a bottle of appetite suppressants. "Its really too bad your period came back."
"I know." I lower my head in complete and utter shame. "I'm getting so fat again!"
"You grew an inch." She shrugs.
"I grew an in inch." I mutter antagonistically, "Lovely. But its no excuse for munchies."
"Very good." She smiles again, and kisses the top of my forehead. "That's my girl!"

Her words echo in my ears. That's my girl. That's my girl. My girl. My... When a thought hits me. What if I'm changing? What if...? I have been using laxatives more recently; trying to make up for eating too much. I gained weight again. What if...? This idea which has squeezed its way into my head reverberates from all the corners of my mind in a resounding failure. Suddenly I can't take it anymore.

"Ana!" I cry out in fear, straightening up, and rising to my feet, "Ana, what if I'm becoming bulimic?!?"
"Don't worry, my love," She whispers tucking loose hair behind my ear, "I've been listening to you struggle with this subconsciously for some time now. Remember, I'm in your head, so I know what you are thinking."
"Why didn't you say something?" I am on the brink of tears. "Why didn't you tell me what you suspected was happening?"
"Because it isn't." I don't quite grasp what she is saying. "It isn't happening. Darling, You aren't turning into a bulimic. You are mine, and I will never let you go. Just because you have used a few laxatives doesn't mean you are weakening."
"So I'll still be ok?" I ask, "I'll still be ... like I am?"
"Yes." She says lifting a burden that I had barely just realized was there. "You still belong to me."
"Ana?" I begin to propose a new question. "Is it bad that I don't like saying the word... you know... 'anorexic' out loud?"
"NO!" She says, "That's quite alright. You don't want anyone to know. And they can't know! That is OUR secret. That word makes you uncomfortable. It always has."
"Yeah, It has." I admit, "Its so demeaning. It makes it seem as if we are some sort of filthy lepers."
"Society is so cruel." Ana sighs, looking like she too is on the verge of crying. "Everyone wants to be thin and beautiful, so when someone finds a way to get that way, and they know that they aren't strong enough to do the same, they hurdle cruel names at them. They tell everyone that the beautiful ones are sick." She is spitting her words now, anger forming from the sadness of a few moments ago. "Jealousy makes people do such horrid things. You of all people would know, my love."

My thoughts flit to the past school year when I was down to my lowest weight and people started ridiculing me. I lost everything. I even lost love. Not my boyfriend's fault. No, I broke up with him. I literally lost my capacity to love because of all the pain they caused me. Then something else redirects my thoughts.

"There is a girl." I start, "A girl at my school, who used to be really fat. Then one school year she comes back from break, and she is thin and beautiful, and likes to run and play sports. She NEVER liked running before that summer. And no one thought anything of it! I was the only one who saw right through her charade, because I am like her. I saw her never eating. I watched as she shrunk even more to be a size zero. No one else saw... because it happened while everyone was gone." I take a breath. "Ana, that's it! Tomorrow, I fast. Damn beach trip screwed my diet. Everyone noticed that I wasn't eating enough. The other girls thought it was because I didn't have enough money. But now that THAT is all over, I can try again! Tomorrow, I will get all that stupidity out of my system. and then, I start the ABC Diet all over again."
"Care to come up for air?" Ana stops my tirade. "Good girl. I'm proud of you. I know you did what you had to do. And now, You are fixing things. You need a buddy. You have a day of fasting to find one. Hopefully, you can. If not, You are going to have to try going this alone. But this time, no feast day of celebration for finishing. No, this time, you start over as soon as you finish. That, or you start the 2468 diet until you can get a  solid system set up. Rules. Limits. That sort of thing."
"Ana," I smile at her, "I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart!" Ana kisses my cheek, "That's why I want to help you."

Premonition

"Every time I eat, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yet, for some reason, I keep eating today. I'm not hungry, and its causing me pain. But I'm eating anyway. Yesterday I felt the need to use a laxative. Just because." I look expectantly at Ana, waiting for her to give me an answer. But there are none. She just shakes her head.
"You were doing so well love," Her eyes lift to meet mine. "You were looking so thin!"

Her words leave her lips and sparkle their way across the air to meet my ears. I was looking so thin! Then I remember that she is using past tense. I was looking so thin. . . And after today, I have ballooned up again.

"Ana," I say, "I really feel bad. I have failed you. More than that, I have failed myself!"
"You're right." She says, pity filling her eyes. "You have failed. I love you so much, though, and you are strong. You can make up for it."
"And that is where you are right, Ana." I say grinning, "I am going to start the ABC diet tomorrow."
"Oh?" She says, "You don't have a buddy this time."
"True." I sigh, "But I last time, my buddy had to quit. I did most of the diet on my own."
"Tragic..." Ana sighs, "... Tragic when parents get involved like that."

I am floating on the proverbial cloud nine. I am going to start the ABC Diet again, and I will be thin and beautiful once more. Last time, I lost just over 30 lbs. in a simple 50 days.

"Ana," I say after a few minutes pass, "Do you think if I start the ABC Diet tomorrow, I will look good enough in time for school pictures?"
"That's my darling," She giggles and embraces me in her whimsical arms. "Always thinking of the future. I think," She says after a bit of a pause, "That you will look lovely in time for your year book picture."
"The real trouble is going to be my trip to the beach." I look down as that reality sinks in. "How am I going o do my own thing there? I will be with my mom and two sisters, and one of my best friends for a whole week!"
"I am  sure, love," She holds my shoulders and looks deeply into my eyes. "That you, of all people, will manage."

Immediately though, my thoughts turn to how I will get out of eating much all week, and how I will bring my own pre-calorie-calculated rations. "Veggie burgers." I grin, "That's a start! And eggs."
"Veggie burgers are a great start." Ana smiles. "Eggs too. You could go with eggs in the morning. There are ways to prepare it that make it look like more food than it really is. No one will question."
"And they're 70 calories and 7g of protein. Shouldn't take a huge chunk out of my diet." I am grinning now. "Veggie sausage patties are 70 calories as well, and veggie sausage links are 40 calories each. They would be easy to eat when people start getting suspicious."
"Very good, dear!" Ana claps her hands in a beautiful, child like fashion that I envy so much. "My main concern is when you all go out for dinner."
"Damn." I feel like crying when I remember that. "What am I going to do?"
"Play sick?" She shrugs. "I really don't know. You could pretend to be to sick to eat. Or you could day that you don't think you can eat the food that they select at the restaurant."
"Except, the problem is if they decide to be courteous of me." I am afraid that I really might cry now. "Damn nice friends."

I turn into Ana's bony little shoulder and just let the tears flow. She cradles my trembling frame in her beautiful, tiny hands and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. "You'll get through this, sweetie. I promise."
I gasp and sob some more. "I could stay at the beach and try to skip meals." I take a deep breath between sobs. "Or draw something and pretend to be to busy to eat, but that still won't get me out of meals in the city!" The tears start right back up again.
"I guess we can solve that problem when we come to it." Ana whispers and kisses the top of my head, gently. "Just try to do your best, and remember: I love you."