I tossed and turned all night. I woke up about every 2 hours, finally glancing at my new text messages and getting up at 7:50 am.
"Good morning, dear." Ana's melodic voice drifts from the foot of my bed to my tired ears. "You know, I'm not the one causing your insomnia."
"I know." I never thought she had been. "Its the Hypercalcimia."
"That's also why you're sore and sluggish." Ana says innocently. "None of that is my fault."
"Its also a good excuse for not eating." I look at her with a wicked grin on my face. "Hypercalcimia causes a decreased appetite, so my parents won't suspect an eating disorder."
"But that's not the only reason you're able to get this far in your diet sweetie." She swings her feet over the side of my bed and sits next to me. "You are strong." She pokes my thigh and both of us stare disgustedly at how much the fat on it gives. "That's nothing your will power won't fix."
I stand and walk toward the kitchen. I had prepared this morning's breakfast last night. The deformed, buttery, half cooked biscuits from yesterday had turned into a crust in a square glass dish. I had used up the last of the partially empty box of eggs and mixed it with the last of the open bag of shredded cheddar cheese, then poured it into the bottom of the biscuit-crust. Next I had cooked a forever-ancient, mostly empty bag of fatty Jimmy Dean sausages just enough to melt away the remaining ice that I had been unable to get off, and so I could chop them into tiny little pieces. I had spread them in a layer thick enough that no more egg underneath it was visible. Lastly I had taken a few eggs from the full box and mixed them with the remainder of a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese from the spaghetti pie from the night before. I poured the egg mixture over the sausages. Most of the egg, but some of the cheese, sank in between the sausage bits. Most of the cheese, but some of the egg stayed on top of the greasy meat.
When I pull the breakfast casserole out of the refrigerator, I put it in the oven for a few minutes, and then move it to cook the rest in the microwave. When it is finished, I cut a slice of the banana bread I made yesterday for everyone, butter them, heat them long enough to melt the fat into the sugary carbs, and put each slice on a plate. On each of the 4 plates, I proceed to place a slice of the breakfast casserole. I take a plate to everyone, and then reopen the freezer to figure out what I will use today's 200 calories on.
"You should eat some of your Morning Star veggie sausages." Ana whisperes, taking the box off the top shelf of the freezer, "Your mom knows you hate regular sausages, but you'll still be eating basically the same thing as them."
"1 serving of those sausages is two links, which is 80 calories..." I trail off a bit, "an egg is 70..." I pull out my calculator and punch in the numbers. "That would give me 50 calories left."
"Perfect!" She giggles, "You can have the last of your Fiber One key lime pie flavored yogurts!"
"I love it when things work out so evenly like that!" I say to her, "It just makes me so happy!"
"You are one crazy little girl!" Ana laughs as she wraps her thin, beautiful arms around my shoulders. "But that's why I love you so much."
I cook the veggie sausages and egg, grab the yogurt out of the freezer, get a baby spoon to eat the yogurt, and a fork to eat the rest, and walk to the living room where my mom is checking her email on her Mac Book Pro. She looks at me as I sit down, and asks: "Why aren't you eating the breakfast casserole?"
"I don't like regular sausages. They make me feel extra nauseated." I look at her with an innocently blank face. "But I'm still eating basically the same thing as the rest of you, just the way I like them. I really made the casserole with Dad in mind."
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. That's right." My mother looks at me with sympathetic eyes only a mother can have. "I forgot the greace in meat sausages made you feel sicker."
"Yeah..." I pretend to look disappointed. "But I'm eating two veggie sausages, and an egg, but I don't like my yolk and whites to mix, and I like more pepper on my eggs. I'm eating the yogurt instead of banana bread because the butter on the bread makes me feel bad too." The last part was a total lie.
"And your not eating any of the crust made from deformed, store brand, butter-already-in-the-dough biscuits, or either kind of the fatty cheese!" Ana says, but only I can hear her from where she stands behind my chair. "I'm sure you are eating less than a third of the calories they are."
I eat my food where my mo can see me eating every last bit of it. I want to be sure she thinks I'm eating relatively normally. When I finish, I stand and take my dishes back to the kitchen along with the dishes of everyone else who has finished their breakfast. I return to the living room, and pause before going up the stairs to my room. "Mom?" I get her attention. "I am feeling really sore and terrible." This is true. I really am. "I'm going to go back upstairs and take a nap. If I'm not awake by lunch time, my plan for lunch is for us to eat the leftover spaghetti pie, a can of green beans, and buttered cheese-bread toast."
"Okay." She smiles, "I can handle that for you. You try to get some rest."
"And by 'take a nap' we mean update all the ED websites you are a member of, and message all the Pro-Ana Text buddies in your contact list." Ana smirks, "You are really a great actress."
Tell me something I don't know. I think sarcastically to her so no one else will hear, I want to be a famous professional actress.
"The best actresses are skinny." She looks at me very seriously. "So are the best female singers."
"I know." I sigh. "And since I want to be both of those, I am working on being skinny. I want to be discovered as soon as possible... Like that'll ever happen though."
"Aw." She rubs my back a little, "Be more optimistic! Next time you go to a discovery convention, they'll be tons more likely to pick you since you've lost weight. Really, there aren't a lot of roles that call for a fat teenage girl."
"You have a point." I say, "Maybe next time, I'll have better luck."
"I'm sure you will sweetheart," She kisses my forehead. "You were born to be famous."
A few hours later, I am planning my food for the next day. I have 1 veggie sausage left, which is 40 calories. I am out of Kashi GoLean Oatmeal which would be 150 Calories, but I do have cinnamon Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal which is 160 Calories. That would equal 200 exactly! I just wouldn't be able to add any cinnamon. Too bad. I like adding cinnamon because it boosts one's metabolism. Oh well.
"I bet by tomorrow you'll have dropped under 130 lbs." Ana's voice draws me out of my planning. "I mean, you have been really close the past few days, and your last measurement was 130.2 lbs! I am sure you have!"
"I hope so." I sigh. "I am really, really tired of seeing 13_._ lbs on the scale. I wanna see the 2nd digit drop."
"You deserve to see it drop." Ana looks at me earnestly, "You've been good! I mean, granted you haven't been able to work out as much as either of us would have liked because you've been sick and had make up work and trash like that, but you've followed my plan exactly!"
"Ugh." I groan, rubbing my sore neck, "I wouldn't want otherwise. I have barely had any cravings or desires to go over the limit. I'm quite satisfied."
"That is music to my ears, darling." She touches her cold hand to my equally cold one. "Its just beautiful."
I smile. Her praise is so important to me. I want to bask in the sunlight of that proud smile. "Actually I'm afraid to have a binge at the end. I was going to allow myself to eat a few things that I had to cut out because I don't know their exact value, but I'm so scared I'll gain weight!"
"Aw, sweetheart..." A look of concern crosses her face. "You'll know what to do."
"Honestly, Ana," I look into her eyes searching for answers. "I'm even scared of the 800 Calorie day coming up this week. That's 3x the amount of food I had today. It's WAY more than I've been eating recently. TONS more!"
"That's okay." She says, "Its to trick your body into thinking you've stopped starving yourself."
"But what if it makes the scale go up?" I shudder at the thought. "What if it makes me gain like, 10 lbs back?!?"
"No need to get hysterical." She tries to calm me down. "It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. There's a fast after that, remember?"
"Right." I close my eyes trying to block the image of a huge number on the scale from my mind. "But what if it isn't enough? What if I turn into a whale again?"
"Listen." Ana says to me, grasping my shoulders and looking intently into my eyes, "Have I ever lied to you?"
"No."
"Would I ever lie to you?"
"NO."
"Do you think I am lying to you?"
"NEVER!"
"Well then you just need to trust me." She smiles again, relaxing her iron grip on my shoulders. "You're going to be eating healthy food, with lots of protein and fiber and not much fat."
"Well what else would I eat?" I laugh, jokingly, "Do you think I would go crazy when I'm this nervous about it?"
"No, babe." She laughs too. "I;m just trying to reassure you that you'll be fine!"
"Maybe you should plan ahead. Start making your plan today." She suggests, "Its Sunday, so you have time to look at your freezer, and figure out which of your lunches is the highest in Calories."
We walked to the outside freezer and peered inside. one by one Ana and I looked at all of my healthy Microwave meals before deciding on a Kashi Chicken Florentine - 290 Calories for lunch, and for dinner, a veggie burger - 140 Calories, with a whole grain sandwich thin - 100 Calories, and an egg.
"That leaves me 170 Calories for breakfast and snacks." I said looking up at her as we close the freezer door and walk back to he kitchen, I could have a Weight Control oatmeal with 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon, or I could have a golden corn vitamuffin with an egg, or a dark chocolate diet jello mouse and a jello cup later..."
"Well, definately don't go with the Jello. That's for when you have no other options." She looks at me reproachfully. "As to whether you should have the muffin and egg or oatmeal... You'll have a day to decide... But I'd go with the muffin and egg. We're trying to cram as much fiber and protein in you as possible. i think that's your best bet honestly."
"Sounds good to me." I admit, "2 eggs in one day though..."
"Those suckers are FULL of protein darling." She rolls her eyes. "It does seem like a lot though... right?"
"A TON!" I laugh... "That's why-"
"You're nervous?" She finishes for me, "Trust me. Remember?"
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