A New Excuse

"Well, Ana," I say looking up from the paper I have been studying, "It's official. I'm lactose intolerant."
"That's lovely!" She says, glee filling her eyes as she flings her skinny little wrists behind me. "Now you have a new excuse."
"You are so right!" I practically shriek, and then I look her straight in the eyes; "Though I highly doubt that people are usually this happy about finding out they have a restrictive dietary health condition."
She giggles. "True. Which means you must act disappointed, or even irritated when it comes up."
Her suggestion makes me laugh under my breath. "Good thing I am an actress!"
"That you are, love!" She smiles as she pats my shoulder. "Be a good girl and take these." She hands me a bottle of appetite suppressants. "Its really too bad your period came back."
"I know." I lower my head in complete and utter shame. "I'm getting so fat again!"
"You grew an inch." She shrugs.
"I grew an in inch." I mutter antagonistically, "Lovely. But its no excuse for munchies."
"Very good." She smiles again, and kisses the top of my forehead. "That's my girl!"

Her words echo in my ears. That's my girl. That's my girl. My girl. My... When a thought hits me. What if I'm changing? What if...? I have been using laxatives more recently; trying to make up for eating too much. I gained weight again. What if...? This idea which has squeezed its way into my head reverberates from all the corners of my mind in a resounding failure. Suddenly I can't take it anymore.

"Ana!" I cry out in fear, straightening up, and rising to my feet, "Ana, what if I'm becoming bulimic?!?"
"Don't worry, my love," She whispers tucking loose hair behind my ear, "I've been listening to you struggle with this subconsciously for some time now. Remember, I'm in your head, so I know what you are thinking."
"Why didn't you say something?" I am on the brink of tears. "Why didn't you tell me what you suspected was happening?"
"Because it isn't." I don't quite grasp what she is saying. "It isn't happening. Darling, You aren't turning into a bulimic. You are mine, and I will never let you go. Just because you have used a few laxatives doesn't mean you are weakening."
"So I'll still be ok?" I ask, "I'll still be ... like I am?"
"Yes." She says lifting a burden that I had barely just realized was there. "You still belong to me."
"Ana?" I begin to propose a new question. "Is it bad that I don't like saying the word... you know... 'anorexic' out loud?"
"NO!" She says, "That's quite alright. You don't want anyone to know. And they can't know! That is OUR secret. That word makes you uncomfortable. It always has."
"Yeah, It has." I admit, "Its so demeaning. It makes it seem as if we are some sort of filthy lepers."
"Society is so cruel." Ana sighs, looking like she too is on the verge of crying. "Everyone wants to be thin and beautiful, so when someone finds a way to get that way, and they know that they aren't strong enough to do the same, they hurdle cruel names at them. They tell everyone that the beautiful ones are sick." She is spitting her words now, anger forming from the sadness of a few moments ago. "Jealousy makes people do such horrid things. You of all people would know, my love."

My thoughts flit to the past school year when I was down to my lowest weight and people started ridiculing me. I lost everything. I even lost love. Not my boyfriend's fault. No, I broke up with him. I literally lost my capacity to love because of all the pain they caused me. Then something else redirects my thoughts.

"There is a girl." I start, "A girl at my school, who used to be really fat. Then one school year she comes back from break, and she is thin and beautiful, and likes to run and play sports. She NEVER liked running before that summer. And no one thought anything of it! I was the only one who saw right through her charade, because I am like her. I saw her never eating. I watched as she shrunk even more to be a size zero. No one else saw... because it happened while everyone was gone." I take a breath. "Ana, that's it! Tomorrow, I fast. Damn beach trip screwed my diet. Everyone noticed that I wasn't eating enough. The other girls thought it was because I didn't have enough money. But now that THAT is all over, I can try again! Tomorrow, I will get all that stupidity out of my system. and then, I start the ABC Diet all over again."
"Care to come up for air?" Ana stops my tirade. "Good girl. I'm proud of you. I know you did what you had to do. And now, You are fixing things. You need a buddy. You have a day of fasting to find one. Hopefully, you can. If not, You are going to have to try going this alone. But this time, no feast day of celebration for finishing. No, this time, you start over as soon as you finish. That, or you start the 2468 diet until you can get a  solid system set up. Rules. Limits. That sort of thing."
"Ana," I smile at her, "I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart!" Ana kisses my cheek, "That's why I want to help you."