Ana stands in front of me holding my food journal. She glances up with an approving smile on her face. "Day 1: 500 Calories..." She directs her eyes back down to the page. "Breakfast - Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal - 160 Calories. Lunch - Healthy Choice Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo - 270 Calories. So far so good, love!" She smiles at me warmly and with a beautiful approving look on her face. "Dinner - Fiber One Yogurt - 50 Calories. Snacks - 4 pieces of gum - 20 Calories. Drinks - Water and Green Tea - 0 Calories."
I absorb her praise very gratefully. "And the exercise? Did you see it?"
"Exercise - Elliptical - 291 Calories, various weight machines, inclined sit ups, and lots of stretching! Good job, sweetie!" She smiles and hands me back the notebook. "I am so proud of you for resisting coffee too. You didn't build it into your plan but you stuck with it anyways!"
"Well," I begin, "It was super easy to get out of eating a big dinner because I stayed at school until 8:30 pm because of my Driver's Ed class. I just told my mom I ate dinner at school, but was hungry again when I ate the yogurt."
"Brilliant!" She wraps her thin, cold arms around my shoulders and gives me a little squeeze. "I couldn't have done better myself!"
"Um, Ana?" I look at her with a skeptical, but teasing eye. "Yes, yes you could have."
She throws back her head in a laugh and says "You're right! I always do." She smiles and wipes her bangs from her face. "But we're talking about you now. Not me."
"Ana, I was reading a blog about a girl with EDNOS for thinspiration, and I noticed something..." I pause, slightly unsure as to weather or not I want to change the topic. I love Ana's praise, but she seems abnormally happy. "This girl starts out well, loses a bunch of weight, but then binges her heart out, cries about it, binges some more, cries, tries to fast, fails, cuts, tries again, fails, binges, tries to purge, fails, goes missing in action, binges, cries, fails, etc. Its always the same. I haven't caught up on it all, but if she doesn't start making progress soon, all its going to be is reverse thinspo! Its super annoying. I just wish I could find people to look up to and inspire me!"
"Well darling, Some people just don't have resolve." She shrugs. Its very evident from her expression that she doesn't care about this other girl. "EDNOS is very different from me, so its not really something you can compare yourself to."
"That's true." I sigh. "I don't get it, but reading about her constant failure it making me depressed. I mean, sure, it keeps me distracted, and sure its something I can try NOT to do, but if it doesn't start getting better soon maybe I'll just quit reading it? I don't know."
"Maybe you should tell her that." She rolls her eyes at the obvious lack of self-control evident written on the screen. "It might knock some sense into her."
"I started reading her blog at the earliest entries and I'm working my way up. I'm still a year in her blog's past, but it isn't getting better." I lean back against my pillows and shrug. "I think I'll at least read up to the present before I stop following her blog."
"Okay then." She smiles and kisses my forehead, embracing me in her tiny, little arms. "I just don't want this to make you stumble like watching 'Supersize vs. Superskinny' did. You mean well giving yourself negative thinspo, but after a while you start to wonder why you bother. If I tell you to stop following her. I expect you to stop right away."
I smile and hug her back. She is so beautiful. The only thing I crave is to be like her.
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