Its been a few days since Ana and I renewed our friendship, and today, I find myself on my knees. My left forearm rests on the side of the tub and my hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail. In my right hand I hold a tooth brush and I take a deep breath and put it in my mouth. backwards. My hand rests on the bristles and I begin to shove the the handle to the back on my throat, instantly gagging. I am disappointed when after 5 attempts the only thing in the bowl besides toilet water is a vile-tasting, bitter, yet sour liquid I can only assume is water mixed with stomach acid and the tiny bit of soup I had for lunch. A tear rolls down my cheek as I stare blankly into the bowl, nearly dropping my toothbrush into the polluted water. I rock back only my heels as a sound disturbs my gloomy meditation - the sound of the shower curtain rustling.
I glance up and notice Ana sitting on the far edge of the tub. She looks at me with a curious expression. "Darling," she starts, "May I ask what on earth you are doing?"
"What does it look like?" I mutter exasperatedly, "I am trying to purge my lunch."
"But why, Kerry?" A smile is playing at the corners of her lips. "You didn't go over the calorie limit for today. Why are you trying to undo the food you ate?"
"Well, Ana, I keep spitting up food anyway, not nausea like I'm sick, but just... spitting it up."
She interrupts me, the festering smile finally breaking full across her thin, angelic face. "Your stomach has shrunken some more! There just isn't room for the food with all that glorious water and green tea you've been drinking." A cloud passes over her eyes as she realizes I hadn't finished talking. "I'm sorry dear, continue."
"Well, I just wanted to get rid of the food so I can lose more weight, that's all." I shrug, "That, and my mum is taking me out to dinner as a belated birthday present, and there's no way I can get out of eating at my own birthday party when everyone is watching me so closely."
"I see your problem." She immediately looks sad and I cringe at the thought that I will be disappointing her. "I will let it slide as a belated birthday, late Christmas, delayed new year's, and early Valentine's Day present combined."
I am instantly relieved as I stand up to rinse off the brush and try to flush out the vomit which as inadvertently started to burn the inside of my nose. Ana stands and walks over to the mirror where I am standing and gazes at our reflections. I too am entranced by the image before me. I see on the right, a girl with chocolate-brown hair, blue eyes, a round face, fat arms, and only the faintest trace of collarbones visable. On the left, I see a beautifully thin girl with wispy, light hair, a thin face, arms without the slightest ounce of fat on them, perfect collarbones and two ribs showing above the top of her shirt, as if carved from unblemished ivory.
"Ana," I whisper wistfully, "I want to look just like you."
"I know, darling, I know." She reaches over to stroke my silky hair. My hair is my only good quality. My hair is thick and full and dark. Exactly the opposite of what I want my body to be - thin, empty, and light. Ana wraps her skinny wrists around my shoulders and whispers into my ear so softly I can barely hear. "You will soon. You will be the most beautiful girl on earth. But for today, I will allow you an uberbinge. Do you know why I would let you do that?"
"So I can remember it when I want to binge?" I am pretty sure I am right.
"Yes!" she squeezes my shoulders one last time before releasing her arms, but immediately I wish they were back. "It will be a very ling time before you can even justify a binge. You will trick your body into metabolizing more of that fat," she pauses for what I assume is dramatic effect and pokes my left thigh, then continues, "And it will think you've stopped starving yourself. Maybe even this way you will be so full you can fast for more than 4 days straight."
"But Ana, I thought I was going to start the ABC Diet with Kelly and Chels on Monday?"
"Oh, right!" She does a mock face-palm and smiles. "You couldn't let down your text buddy or your best friend. They're counting on you. Maybe this way you can get past day 10 on ABC unlike every other time when you miserably fail 1/5 the way through the diet."
My head drops in shame, and when I look back up, Ana has gone. I walk into my room to change into clothes to go to the restaurant and she is sitting on the edge of my bed, and her smile has returned. Next to her is a pile of clothes I assume she has picked out for me. She hands me a pair of gray skinny jeans with fleur-de-lis on the back pockets. I send her a questioning look, and she just smiles.
"Try them on dearest," She places the heap of denim into my outstretched arms and pats the top of them reassuringly. "I think you will be pleasantly surprised!"
I am ready for the guilt trip I feel is coming on. She knows I bought them over the holidays and I had to wriggle and do the skinny-pants dance to fit my huge thighs into the cute fabric. I hold them out and step one leg in. I am about to reach down to squeeze them higher up my leg, when I realize its all the way on... without struggling! Excitedly, I step into the other leg.
"They actually fit me right!"I squeal and jump up and down... comfortably. I gasp as I realize what I have just done. "I can move around in them too!"
"See?" Ana brushes my bangs away from my face and kisses the top of my head. She rests her hands on the sides of my arms and looks straight, deeply into my eyes. "You are making lots of progress. 3 lbs yesterday? I'm impressed!"
I know I am about to eat a very huge amount of calories at dinner, but her praise rings in my ears and I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I meditate on this compliment as Ana walks out the door with a quick promise to return tomorrow. I return my gaze to the mirror where The result of restriction smiles at me and shows off her slightly slimmer thighs.
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