I wake up in the morning, fear and panic gripping my heart so tightly I am afraid that it will shatter. I am breathing hard. A wave of disappointment crashes over my fragile mind. I can't believe what I have done! How am I going to tell Chels and Kelly that I failed? I am just like the girl I was talking about yesterday! Why do I always screw everything up?
"Kerry..." A soft voice whispers near my still closed eyes, "It was just a dream."
I sigh a breath of relief, and thoughts of remorse and guilt for a binge that never actually happened drain from my mind like sand in a funnel. My pounding heart slows to normal, and I stop freaking out.
"It was just so REAL, Ana!" I shake my head disbelievingly. "I dreamed about the most terrible, horrid binge! Does that ever happen to other people?
"Darling, for a moment there, I thought you were going to ask if NORMAL people dream of binges. I was going to say, 'Probably not, since they don't restrict like you do, and aren't scared of eating too much and getting fat like you are.'" She chuckles and smiles. "Don't worry about it. It was just a dream."
At that moment, I hear foot steps coming towards my door. The sound of the door handle turning sends Ana diving under my bed. My father walks in and starts to try to wake me up.
"Kerry! Get up! Its almost 7:00! You're going to make your sister late for her safety patrol duty!" He pauses for breath and then continues shouting. "I know you were up late because of Driver's Ed last night but you can't sleep in anymore!"
"Dad!" I interrupt his obnoxiously loud ramblings, "I AM awake already!"
"Then get up." He tries to reason with me. Unfortunately I don't like to be reasoned with in the mornings.
"Its too cold." I whimper, "I can't get up if I'm freezing to death!"
"Well you know you're mom won't turn up the thermostat." He says.
"Yeah!" My little sister pops her head into my room. "Suck it up, Kerry!"
"FINE!" I shout, standing up and immediately burying my icy hands in my sweatshirt's front pocket. "Happy? I'm awake. I'm up. What more do you want?"
My sister ducks out of the room, perhaps to save herself from being witness to an explosion... And my dad sighs. "What do you want me to fix you for breakfast?"
My mind races to the little green and blue notebook in my backpack. I can't reach into it and grab the book to tell him what I've scheduled. I look around frantically trying to remember what I wrote for today while he rambles about poptarts, bagels, scrambled eggs, and if I'd like a cupcake for breakfast since I didn't have any yesterday. What day is it today? I think to myself, 500 Calories yesterday... Is it Wednesday? Yeah. I think its Wednesday. Wednesday means its the 3rd day of ABC... which means 300 Calories, which means I think I scheduled a Fiber One Yogurt? Yep. That's it. Way to go me!
After what must have been forever, and probably making my dad think I had fallen asleep standing up, I reply that I hate orange cupcakes, and would he please stop offering them to me? "Besides... The little girls might not care about getting balanced nutrition, but I certainly do, and the fast thing I want is straight sugar for breakfast."
"Cupcakes aren't straight sugar, Kerry..." My dad starts to object, but I cut him off.
"You're right," For once, I add in my head, "They also have carbs." I roll my eyes and shrug. "I think I'll just get a yogurt for myself."
He is finally convinced that I really am awake, and leaves my doorway as I start to trudge in a zombie-like fashion towards my mom's bathroom where my scale is. I wonder where Ana has gone, and suddenly notice she is right behind me. When I see her, I almost trip down the stairs.
"Ana!" I hoarsely whisper, "Can they see you? What about hearing you? What are you doing?!?"
"Don't worry, sweetheart," She pats my shoulder, which I interpret as the signal to keep walking down the stairs. "They can't see or hear me. I'm only in your head, not theirs." With that she smiles and adds, "But it certainly wouldn't hurt your mom to listen to me too!"
I stifle a laugh, nearly chocking on myself and whisper, "oh god, tell me about it. Mom is huge! She probably weighs nearly 300 pounds!"
"Yeah." She nods. "Its gross."
"Oh, Ana," My eyes are wide and I stare earnestly into hers as I recount, "She is mostly why I'm so scared to gain weight. I NEVER want to end up like her!"
"Keep moving girly, the scale ain't coming to you." She gives me a gentle push and then adds, "Don't worry. I'll never let you end up like that, unbearably huge and disgusting. I have no idea why your father hasn't left her. I know I would!"
A few minutes later I am staring at my on-and-off friend: the scale. I am extremely disappointed when I look at the stupid little red screen. "Ana," I whine at her, "I only lost one pound! Exactly one! Un! Ein! Uno!" I don't even wait for her response, but text my ana text buddy and my BFF Chels, both of whom are doing the ABCDiet with me. Chels replies first and I am slightly less discouraged when I read her message.
"Aw Im srry girly! At least UR losing weight. 1 is bettr then 0."
"true. I just wish it was more! I mean I followed ABC perfect!"
She says some more encouraging words to me, but I'm not really paying attention to them. I am so wrapped up in the horror of the possibility that the ABC won't work this time, I can barely focus on that I'm reading. My phone buzzes again, so I flip it open and see that Kelly has replied!
"Did you eat too much?"
"No! I followed the ABC perfectly! I worked out yesterday too!"
"Did you drink green tea?"
"Ugh. Must be it. I only had about a cup. The rest was water."
"Well then," Ana looks at me carefully, "We know what the problem is. Drink extra green tea today."
"Yeah. I guess you're right" I grumble. "What do you do when life hands you lemons? Make green tea!" I roll my eyes in false hilarity.
"But that's so true!" Ana laughs as we walk into the kitchen to grab my breakfast.
When I get to school I see Chels and I immediately start grumbling to her. "I hate Wednesdays."
"Um, Kerry?" She offers hesitantly, "Today isn't Wednesday."
I gasp in shock and my heart starts racing frantically for the second time this morning. Instantly I see a fellow cheerleader walk by in her uniform. We have a game Tuesday, and my mental calendar is off. Just my luck. Okay! Time to wake up now! I scream in my head.
"Sorry, babe," Ana puts her thin graceful hand on my shoulder. "This time you're not dreaming."
Chels looks at her questioningly, and Ana gives her the 'not now' look. "Kerry," Ana says, "You need to rearrange your food schedule for today... I think you ate the wrong breakfast."
"Oh god Kerry, did you eat to much?" Chels instantly asks me, "Are you okay?"
"She's fine." Ana whispers to her. "It was only a 50 Calorie yogurt."
"Yeah," I mutter under my breath, "But now I have to recalculate. I was young to eat oatmeal."
I leave the two of them to talk at my locker for a moment while I try to reach my mom on the phone in the 10 minutes before 1st period starts. After I have tried calling her cell 3 times, and her office once, I finally get a hold of her. "Mom?" I ask frantically into the reciever, "Can you bring me my cheer uniform and leave it in the office?"
"No, sweetie, I can't," She sighs, "I have to leave early from work and I can't leave to get something for you. Call your father."
"Mum, you know I can't do that!" I am nearly in tears. "He won't be able to find all the pieces and accessories!"
"How about I pick you up right after lunch and you go home and change?" She suggests, unknowing that I didn't do my homework for my afternoon classes and desperately need my lunch time to do the assignments.
"Okay." I say, and hang up the phone. I step back in the building and rejoin Chels and Ana to go to class.
By 2nd hour, I am feeling terrible. I have a headache, I am feeling light-headed and dizzy, and the sinking feeling in my stomach is driving me crazy. On the way to P.E. I give my mom another call and let her know I am feeling sick. I have decided to pull my poor health card and skip afternoon classes AND the game to catch up on the homework. Once I am finally home about 2 hours later, I eat my frozen Weight Watchers Alfredo Florentine and am about to go upstairs to my room when Ana taps me on the shoulder and smiles.
"How about you eat your dinner now to? That way you'll feel too full and sick and you won't want anything for the rest of the day?"
This plan is surprisingly brilliant, so I oblige. I put the Cinnamon Weight Control Oatmeal in the microwave and find our container of ground cinnamon. I have 5 Calories left, and though I was thinking about just not using them, 1/4 tsp. cinnamon is 5 Calories. "Perfect!" I say to Ana, "You are a genius!"
"Ha!" She punches my arm teasingly. "Tell me something I DON'T know."
I finish my food and walk upstairs content to do my homework and sleep for the rest of the day.
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