At around 6:00-6:30 am I begin to shift in and out of partial consciousness. At 7:10 when the girls are finally gone off to school and my mom gone to work, I get another 30 minutes of sound sleep. Judging by my older sister's usual habits the sound of running up and down the stairs must mean she didn't get up until 7:40 and has to be at her first class in 20 minutes. Again I am barely awake enough to register sounds as I turn over and wait for her to be gone so I can rest. I am not so lucky. My dad comes up the stairs and lets himself in.
Poor guy really, he was a technical expert with computers working at the university my older sister is about to graduate from this semester for about 10 years. He got deployed with the military when I was in 5th grade and had to stay there for 18 months with only a 2 week break which we all spent in Germany that Christmas. He comes back home from Iraq, and they give him back his job. When he gets orders for a second deployment when I am in 9th grade, which is rare, by the way, for Army Reservists, the university lays him off, saying they can't hold his position for him. Pardon my language, but that's bullshit. They were laying people off, and they took advantage of a good, honest army man simply because he has 4 children, and therefore he costs them more for insurance, and they keep his office mate who played computer games, checked his personal email, and never turned in projects on time because he was cheaper to keep on staff. I hate that school. Anyways, he comes back for Iraq the for 2nd time right before Thanksgiving break this year (10th grade) after serving another full-term. He has been applying for jobs but can't find one because he is older than most applicants and winds up willingly applying for another army deployment. He will find out whether he has been accepted or not this coming February, but until then, he has to sit around the house, running errands, cleaning, making his best sorry attempts to cook, and feeling useless. So any time he has anything to do, he tries to make the most of it.
Now happens to be one of those times he has some sort of a mission, and like usual, he is trying a bit to hard. "Sit up, Kerry!" He says, "You need to take some medicine."
"In a minute." I mumble, fully aware that taking medicine means drinking something, and I never eat or drink anything in the morning until I weigh myself. I fully intend to get up to weigh myself right away and then take the Tylenol or whatever he has brought me, but he does not believe me.
"Now, Kerry." He says firmly, "I don't want you to fall back asleep until you've taken it."
"Kerry...." Ana whispers in my ear, "You know you'll weigh more if you drink anything before your scale and mirror session!"
"Ugh. I know." I say aloud to both of them. Then to my dad I say, "What did you bring me to take it with?"
"Some of that Arizona Green Tea that mom brought you." He sighs, becoming impatient. "The diet kind."
"Good." Ana purrs. "At least they didn't try to pump you full of the sugary kind."
I know, right? I think to her, I love being southern and all, but they put to much sugar and fat in everything! Even tea that's supposed to be good for you.
"Kerry," Ana says, starting to sound nervous, "I don't think he's going to leave until you take it."
Dammit. I think, Why does he have to be so annoying sometimes?
"Because he loves you." Ana whispers, "And he thinks he knows what's best for you, which clearly, is wrong, because I know what's best for you."
Should I just take it then... I ask her mentally, Even though it's before I've weighed myself?
"You're going to have to, sweetie." Ana strokes my forehead, pulling back a little from the heat of my fever, "But it doesn't look like he brought very much, so it shouldn't mess up your weight too much."
Finally, I roll over and sit up, accepting the medicine and tea. I try to take the smallest sips I can, but he insists I finish the whole cup of over-sweetened liquid. I sigh and obey, too sick too complain, really. I still can't help but think that its going to screw up my weigh-in. He finally leaves and takes the little pink cup with him, and I fall asleep for another few hours.
When I finally get up around lunch time, I go to the bathroom before I weigh myself to try and get rid of the tea, which probably was still mostly there. The scale reads that I have lost 1.4 lbs. That's better, but still not good enough. I was just laying around all day yesterday, and even though I drank plenty, trust me, plenty of green tea yesterday, I only drank about 1/3 of it with Fiber Splenda. Most of what I drank was the Diet Arizona green tea, like this morning.
"Ana," I whine to the skinny girl standing next to me, "Why is it that I don't lose as much as I used to?"
"Because you don't work as hard as you used to." She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Duh!"
"Well," I begin, "What I did ABC this time last year I lost at least 2 pounds every day."
"Not on the 500 days, you didn't." She chides, "You only lost 1 on those days too."
"Oh." I glare at the insubordinate scale. "You had better start telling me better numbers."
"Don't worry sweetheart," Ana smiles, resting her chin on my shoulder and reaching around me to give me a gentle hug, "It will. I promise. It will."
I shuffle to the kitchen, unsure of what to eat. I had formed a plan for today on Monday, but unaware that i would be getting sick, I had not planned to eat any of my Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup. Clearly I would need to reorganize my meal plan for today, which I always hate doing.
"Okay Ana," I look up from my calculator to where she stands, writing in my food journal, "My lunch will be 157.5 Calories since I'm going to eat the whole can of soup which has 1 3/4 servings of soup with 90 Calories per serving."
"Not too bad." She says, "You should eat a Vitamuffin for breakfast. Go for the triple chocolate so you won't crave chocolate later."
"Yeah." I agree, "Good thing those all have 100 Calories no matter which flavor I pick. I think tomorrow I'll have pumpkin."
Ana claps her hands happily. "Wonderful! Its good for you to be planning ahead."
"I like to anyways." I shrug, "It makes me feel so in control."
"Oh Kerry, " Her face lights up like a million tiny candles, "Isn't that just a delightful feeling?"
"Absolutely." I smile at her, so happy for myself. "But what can I eat for dinner that will finnish off my calories for the day without going over?"
"Well," She looks back down at the page, legs swinging from on top of my kitchen counter, eyes scrutinizing the numbers, "You have... lets see... 42.5 Calories left."
"What on earth has 42.5 Calories?" I look at her puzzled. "I mean, I'm fine if its a little less than that, but there is no way I'm gong over."
"Good girl." She squeals happily as she jumps down from the counter, "You have such great control."
"I am shocked by the compliment, but accept it. "Now to find something I can eat."
We wander around the kitchen, staring at things, and checking nutrition labels. I am mad at my soup for not letting me have 50 calories left over, because then I could have one of my key lime Fiber One yogurts. After we have tired of looking through the pantry, we head to the refrigerator.
'You know, Ana, I don't even think I'm hungry anymore." I search her face for a reaction. "I think I could just stay under for those Calories."
"I'm sorry dear, but no." Ana says, surprising me as she opens the refrigerator door. She pulls out a bag of baby carrots, and giggles, "35 calories per serving!"
"Well," I begin, and pull the kitchen scale off the counter, "How much is a serving?"
"3 oz." She says, looking at the little orange vegetables.
I set the scale down, placing a bowl on top of the pan, and then I make sure the scale is zeroed to exclude the weight of the bowl. I watch the little arrow carefully as it creeps around to finally reach 3 oz as Ana drops the 9th carrot into the bowl.
"Viola!" Ana exclaims, "35 Calories! Bon appetite!"
"Thank you, Ana." I laugh as a begin to crunch on the veggies. As I reach the last carrot, I notice that Ana is back in the fridge. "Ana, what are you doing?"
"Trying to find something with 7.5 Calories in it." She answers me as if it the most obvious thing in the world.
"But why?" I question, "Aren't I close enough?"
"That's what I said last time." She shuts the door to look me straight in the eyes. "I am not taking any chances with you this time. You're going to get as close as you can to the limit without going over. I don't want you to feel deprived and binge." She hands over a jar of pickles and I set them on the counter next to the scale. She continues to stare at me, and then adds, "I want you to love the hunger because you know you are doing a good job, not focus on calories you could have eaten."
Somehow, her words make me feel inferior, but I know she's right. "I feel stronger this time though."
"Maybe so," She sighs, "But are you strong enough to last the whole 50 days? Last time you felt strong the first few days, but only made it to day 10."
I look at the ground, instantly ashamed. "You're right." I breathe, "As usual."
"I know." She smiles and steps forward to hold me in her tiny cold arms. "I love you."
"I love you too, Ana!" Her words bring extra comfort to me as I begin to measure out 1 1/2 servings of pickles to bring me to exactly 300 Calories. "It just seems like so much."
"Lets see if you still think that by day 11." Her words are clearly a warning to be strong, but the fact that she thinks I can break my record is inspiring and fills me with extra resolve. "Now lets fix you some tea and go back upstairs. I have a surprise for you!"
Once upstairs, I sit down on my bed and Ana pushes my baby lappity-top at me. "I downloaded an e-book of Wasted from PrettyThin for you, and look at this!" She pulls a book out from behind her back. "I got this from the library for you last night."
I take the book from her and flip it over to examine the front cover. "Wintergirls!" I exclaim happily, "I've wanted to read this for a while!"
"I know, lovely," She says, grinning a childish smile at me, "I brought it so you can distract yourself by reading it any time you are afraid you'll binge."
I am immediately engrossed in the pages and read until I fall back asleep a few hours later.
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